Boyfriend Of Two Years Never Wants Sex....

I feel a bit strange sharing such personal information on the web, but honestly I don't know who else to turn to. I have been dating the same man for over two years, we are both college age, and we both love each other very much. Aside from sex, he is the same way he always was with me - very sweet and involved, we are always laughing and talking and both enjoy spending time together every day (we have shared an apartment for over a year). Most people who know us think we are the "perfect couple" and honestly I think we are an amazing match - we really are each other's best friends and even after two years we still happily choose to spend most of our free time doing things together. I trust this man with my life and am certain he is not cheating on me - I know some people might think I am just in denial, but I really am sure and, aside from lack of sex, there have been no warning signs - no unexplained absences, no weird calls, no nothing. He never even checks out other girls when we are together. He has actually started dropping hints about wanting to propose in the past month or so.
It seems like I struck the jackpot as far as significant others. However, something that I cannot understand and that truly hurts me, is that he seems very uninterested in sex. Of course in the beginning we did it all the time, and I know some cooling down is normal, particularly when you live together and loose a lot of the mystery, but in the past half year we had gotten to where we do it once every week and a half to two weeks. I thought that was bad, and so I tried to talk about it in a non confrontational way sometimes, to see why the interest seemed not to be there, and he said he felt too pressured by me for it; normally when we did do it it was because I instigated it but more and more often he would reject me and say he was tired, etc. I tried not to take all this personally, but it became a pattern so I asked about it directly and received this explanation about me "pressuring" him. So, I determined I would not instigate sex, not to be spiteful, but to see if he would actually instigate it himself if I wasn't there prompting him. I waited six weeks. Nothing. Finally I gave in and tried instigating it and, fortunately, he gave in (I felt bad enough by then without facing being rejected on top of it). Over the next few days things went on as normal (no sex) and later that week I tried again to talk about it, mentioning that I wasn't sure if he was aware, but we actually had just gone over a month without sex and I really didn't understand why. Again, he got defensive and said I need to stop pressuring him. I confess at this point I lost my temper a bit and said "What pressure? I left you alone for six weeks and in all that time you didn't touch me once!" but I am at my wit's end. I love him and I honestly believe he loves me. Out of bed, he is the perfect guy. And no, I don't believe he may be gay; he was very enthusiastic about our sex life for about the first year. We haven't been fighting more than we did in the past (we argue some but nothing too serious and we always make up) and I look the same as I did when we started dating. Nothing major has happened that I can attribute to this. I have tried to explain how much it is hurting me, but i guess it hurts his ego too much to admit there is a problem because he always just gets defensive and refuses to talk, telling me to let it happen naturally. The only thing is, I've tried that and it's not working.... I can't imagine leaving him over this; I love him and if he was sick or disabled or something and couldn't physically have sex I wouldn't consider for a second leaving him over it. But he is a healthy and active 23 year old man who says he loves me more than anything and is always saying how beautiful I am...... I feel hurt and alone and I have no idea what to do.... I want to marry him and be with him forever, but I don't want to end up having sex once a month for life.
difalco difalco
22-25, F
8 Responses May 12, 2012

The sexlessness started for me when I was 19 and he was 24. I couldn't understand it and thought that if I could just get him to /understand/ how much it was hurting me, he would change. After all, what 20-something year old guy didn't want sex? I offered oral, would get him off without asking anything in return, I tried buying games, lingerie... I refused to give up because he kept saying he loved me, so I did everything I could to find the magic cure. <br />
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I'm 28 and it's only gotten worse. We're not even at once a month anymore and haven't been for a long time. I've also gotten the 'stop pressuring me' line. I waited for 3 months and finally gave in and asked. <br />
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I've been where you are and as much as I love/d my husband, I really wish I had listened to that voice in the back of my head that said to leave. It's not worth getting your heart ripped out daily. Eventually those cuddles turn to torture and **** you off because you know nothing else is going to happen.

Red flag alert.

"Of course in the beginning we did it all the time, and I know some cooling down is normal, particularly when you live together and loose a lot of the mystery, but in the past half year we had gotten to where we do it once every week and a half to two weeks. " I guess your "all the time" was not all the time... Are you joking about "cooling down"? Sex for your age group- every day, several times every day and 3 days without sex is TOO long time... If you marry him you will have sex just precisely so many times so many kids he want to have...

-- He never even checks out other girls ---<br />
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There's polite - I don't like blatant checking out of other women by men I'm with, it's kinda rude - and then there's disinterested.

...and FOIA is correct in his P.S. This is a very real possibility.

You know what? Stop trying to figure it out. It doesn't matter if you never figure it out. Ask yourself the first obvious question. "Can I live with this long term?". Second question to ask yourself is, "Is the risk worth it? Do I want to gamble that much?" Then ask yourself the third question, "Do I want to get married in this situation?" (if your answers to the first two questions are "No!")?<br />
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Of course, he is such a lovely guy in every other way that if he proposes tomorrow you are going to say "Yes" without a second of further thought, aren't you? After that you can spend as much time as you like trying to figure it out because then you will have as much idle time left to you to think of not much else.<br />
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PS. You are going to make the 'fatal' mistake of telling him that you are going to have to go your own ways and he is going to promise to change and just to prove it he will knob you there and then and during the dying embers of that passion-play he will propose to you. That is when you will accept.

The posters above and I range in age from 40-62 (approximately). Between us, we have about 150 years of experience with sexlessness....literally...each of us has been in multi-decade long sexless relationships. They began much like yours. We know of what we speak. <br />
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I am 50, I've been with my husbAnd for 25 years and am in my 17th year of sexlessness with him. I was completely faithful faithful for the first 23, when I simply couln't take nearly two decades of sexlessness and began "outsourcing" my sex life so I could have one before I died. <br />
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I, like you, recognized that my partner had a lower libid but I never thought the sex would vanish until it did and my partner, like yours, would get defensive about it . We had "A great relatjonship in every other way", too, and still do. But without sex, the love I have for him is gone, starved by the lack of intimacy.<br />
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If you want to be me, stay with your BF.

"150 years of sexlessness" --- wow, if that means you get to live 150 healthy years, sure, bring it on!

ulae, either you are a troll, an ***, or completely senseless.

Hey Ulae: It ain't a healthy 150 years if there's no sex!

(thanks for having my back, Benched :-)

MR... I've been here it seems like forever... I just don't say much, but my pleasure.

1 More Response

I'm sorry you're experiencing this already. There is almost nothing more for me to add here since I agree with all other comments. Just consider yourself lucky that you are 25 and under, not married, don't have kids, and still have the time to walk away.<br />
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I know right now you don't think that would be right or the right reason to leave him, but trust us all when we say this will never improve. You must understand that a person can naturally (or unnaturally) have a low sex drive and that has nothing to do with you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Its like someone doesn't have a taste for mushroom so it doesn't matter if you offer them the best shitake you can find - if they're really indifferent to them, your insistence that they eat it will not make them like it more!<br />
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Please, stick around and read, read, read. You will understand more that you should ever need to but do you really want to go sexless, frustrated and worked up for the next 50 years?