Sex? --- What's Sex?

Rabbits. That is what we were like in college. It is a wonder we both graduated with as much time as we spent in bed (and other places). Then we got married. Sex was still good, but had slowed way down, to a normal level I guess (2-3 times a week). Then our first child came along and sex dropped to maybe once a month. Then our second child came. My wife complained that it would be too expensive and painfull to have her tubes tied, because she had given birth to him naturally, so I agreed to have a vasectomy. I was promised more sex without the annoyance of precautions. Now please don't misunderstand me. I love my wife very much. She is a wonderful mother to our boys. She and I have been through some rough times, and we still find time to hold hands, take occasional walks, and I even rub her feet after a long day. We have been together for 17 years. We still make each other laugh. There is just one part of our marriage that seems to be dead - our sexlife. I have tried talking to her, tried to get her medical help, counseling, and even have a nurse friend of ours talk to her, but it has made absolutely no difference to her. She just doesn't feel the need for sex anymore, and she doesn't want to do anything about it. Now I am 40, and I am getting older (and yes rounder), but I still think of myself as a guy that can give a woman lots of pleasure. She gives me reasons (I call excuses) as to her always being: a) too tired b) not in the mood c) too busy d) (the traditional) I have a headache e) she doesn't feel sexy, or f) the kids may hear us. Last year we had sex no more than 6 times. This year we haven't had sex yet (this is April). This has been going on since my vasectomy in 1995. I love her, but I am sick and tired of being ignored. I am not saying that I would leave her, or even cheat on her. I am just saying that I am ___ frustrated (you fill in the blank). I can't make her get help, and I have no other alternatives. As someone else said on here, I am caught between the rock and the hard place.
handyman handyman
36-40, M
11 Responses Apr 9, 2007

I wanted to update those of you who have read or may come across my life experience. I posted that first entry 4 years ago, I am saying that absolutely nothing has changed. I am currently trying the 40 day Love Dare, but truthfully I don't hold out much hope, as I think I have reached my limit. My youngest son is a senior in high school this year. Once he has graduated, I don't see a reason for me to continue this co-parenting, sexless relationship. I am sure there are other women out there that will treat me right. -Handyman

When I was 19 I had a boyfriend who got into cocaine. When I found him doing it at a party, I said "I'll do it to, unless you tell me not to.". He let me do it. I left for San Diego the next month...to take a chance on something better, even though I knew only one person.If I'd stayed, I knew I'd be waiting around, hoping for him to grow back to the person he once was. I know now we don't grow backwards, but forwards...good or bad as it may be. So I spent a year in San Diego, and I was tired after it. Every night partying, smoking pot and meeting people who didn't want good for me. Then I moved to Colorado where I had a bed...I waitressed until I could afford my own crappy 1 bedroom apartment....it was crappy, and it took three fumigator bombs to get rid of the roaches...but It was MINE! I walked around naked and danced whenever I wanted! Then I met my husband. He swept me off my feet...he was already practically a celebrity in the comedy circle...it was pretty cool for my 23 years of age. I am now 37, I have acheieved my own goals and I can support myself and my kids if I have too. Not<br />
in the way I'm used to, but I could. He has never told me I'm beautiful, or sexy. He doesn't even want me sexually. I have been told by more than a few men, better than him, that I am the whole package. I can't tell you how many weeks go by where I'm not touched. Unless I leave...then he goes full force to get me back. I'm only softened by the fact that there are children involved and I feel guilty. ...I learned to cook his favorite foods, I wear what he likes, I am even more adventurous in bed. I even tolerate all the women who text him and say that thay're SO excited to see him.......ok, maybe I do complain. He's never home, and when he is, he only has pics on facebook of him hugging other women. I never wanted to be that jealous *****. Tell me how to be the bigger person, the one with grace and class.

my heart aches for you !!

I hear and understand you completely on the thrashing of self esteem/image due to living in a SM oneslashtwo. I am in the same boat, and although my wife recently booted me out of her home, I have ZERO confidence when it comes to satisfying a woman sexually. Which means I fantasize about sex, **********, but in no way, shape or form am I ready to even think about dating a woman. Let alone doing something sexual with a woman, the thought alone makes me want to freak out and panic. Damn Sexless Marriages, they rot you from the inside out!!!

find a friend,, have some fun,, ittl come,, dont get discouraged..

Thank you montanatomkat, did find a friend, she lost all sexual desire shortly after we started having sex. Which was just like my STBX wife. I guess there is something seriously wrong with me. I love sex, but I shouldn't have it with anyone?

Unfortunately I can say nothing other than we are traveling steerage on the very same sad vessel. For me this year it will be 13 years of marriage, 16 years together, have the kids, the vacsectomy, the weight gain and the excuses. Don't believe leaving is an option because of the kids, don't believe I would even be competitive in the dating market anyhow - years of rejection have completely thrashed my self esteem/image. Don't like to consider it but can't escape the conclusion that this could be by design, consciously or not. More than anything I just feel stuck, like the line from the song "Ol' Man River 'Tired o' livin, but fear'd a' dyin'".

i agree with alwaysremember. what u have said is true and i felt that way about my ex. if only we could flick a switch n fall in love again.

I agree with thatweirdromanguy. You are definitely not alone. I've never enjoyed a healthy sexual relationship with my husband so maybe it's just normal for him but it certainly isn't for me and although sex isn't the be all and end all - it's what makes the difference between lovers and just friends. We don't have sex with all our friends, only our significant other (in a healthy relationship) My advice would be to sit down with her and find out what the real reason is. Her response may surprise you and could be very painful but at least then you would know and depending on what the real reason is, you might be able to help. If not, then armed with knowledge, you will be able to make an informed decision regarding the future of your relationship.

I am in your boat but I am the 40 year old wife with a husband who isn't interested and has the same attitude as yours. It is so frustrating to be openly rejected and so painful as well. I don't have the answer for you (I'm still trying to figure it out for me) but I am on the same journey. You are definitely in the right place now to not feel alone.

to AlwaysRemembers...I posted the story Suddenly he won't touch me Anymore. When you say that if you love someone, you will always find time for sex, do you think a person can be lying when they say "I love you and care for you but I am not in love with you"? and use that as the excuse for not having sex? Do you think some people just quit wanting to be married, quit wantng to be in a relationship? I think that is where my spouse is at. I find it incredibly wimpy on his part,and feel strung along when that person who said the words of the marriage ceremony to my face then reneges on their promises at the first sign of trouble and just opts out. It's not like there are kids, and years of marriage here. A year and a half?? What kind of committment is that?

I know that this seems to be apparently a problem more for men then it is for women, but for me ( a women) with 2 kids, i wanted sex at least once a night if possible but my ex lost total interest .... well in me that is. After thinking long and hard about this FRUSTRATING hurtful fact in many marriages, i now honestly believe that all the excuses are just a polite way to say that i do not love you anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I blamed myself for years trying to figure out why my ex lost total interest in sex, lord he even didn't have the decency to make up excuses. We were simply good friends co-parenting our children. I still love my ex VERY much but it is clear that although he likes me he does not love me anymore. Is that his fault? No. Sadly unless ppl work at it, ppl do simply fall out of love. Now being divorced and back in the dating scene (OMG how thats changed, lol) I know that men find me sexy and lovable. If 2 ppl are BOTH still in love, NOTHING will stop them from sharing the most important part of a marriage, true intimacy and no that does not always mean intercourse. I really hate to say it but if you love someone, you will ALWAYS find time for sex, but that is just my opinion.

I definitely feel your frustration and I really applaud that you are still with her; I am a very young woman recently married and I do not know if I would stand a long life of sexlessness. Kids are not an excuse I know people with 4 o 5 children doing it a lot. Me, myself Im a childless and I am also in a sexless marriage. Talk to her and give her a stern reminder. I understand that with kids and all your relationship history is hard. God Bless you and best of luck

You are definitely not alone. I, and many others, share your frustration.