Just One Symptom...

I live in a nearly sexless marriage, but this is clearly just one symptom of a much larger problem. I am not sure that my wife ever loved me to start with...well maybe that is too harsh. She would say that she loves me and I think that she probably does, but I don't think that she is truly able to discern how she feels.

She is very self-absorbed with her hobbies and she fills every minute of her day "working." I am not really sure what she is trying to accomplish because she doesn't make much money, and I don't really need the money. I tell her just to cut back and spend time with us, but she keeps focusing on things that take her away from the home.

I have a very successful career and get a lot of internal satisfaction with what I do at work, but she doesn't seem concerned at all with what goes on in my life. It would be nice every once in a while to be able to have an intellectual discussion about what is going on in my life, or at least to feel like she is interested. On the other hand, we spend hours talking about her day; to be honest, I love to hear all about it, but I just wish that she would show an interest in me.

This lack of interest has slowly worked its way into the bedroom. We haven't made love more than 4 times this year, and she often turns me down even though she accuses me of never asking. I get such mixed messages from her and sometimes I feel as if she is just having sex with me out of obligation. I don't want to use my wife as I have too much respect for her. I must admit that I would almost rather find a friend with benefits than to use the one I love for my most animalistic needs. What I really want is an intimate relationship with her, but I don't think that will ever come. We both are attractive and still in our mid-30s, and I know that this should be our prime. I really don't know where to turn or what to do. Sad and frustrated!
unutlee unutlee
36-40, M
6 Responses May 12, 2012

I hear you and completely sympathise. Your story is very common on here. I will begin by correcting you. You stated your wife doesn't realise. Oh yes she does. Refusers realise full well what they are doing. <br />
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They dont let on to us that they do. It is obvious that you love your wife very much. This will cause you a great deal of problem in making the decisions that need to be made.<br />
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If you have already talked to your wife several times, like most here will know surprise, surprise, it hasn't worked it is time you started to change the dynamic in your relationship.<br />
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Try and be more assertive and not roll over and let her walk over you. I'm not just talking sex, life in general. Have a think about your relationship and how things are usually played out. Then think if you are happy with the way things flow. <br />
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From there you will be better prepared to make a decision on just how much of this you are willing to take.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

"She is very self-absorbed with her hobbies and she fills every minute of her day "working." I am not really sure what she is trying to accomplish because she doesn't make much money, and I don't really need the money."<br />
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What she is trying to accomplish is lack of intimacy with you. <br />
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Also, the fact that she has zero interest in your day all adds up to "she does not love you"<br />
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Get all the cards on the table, demand a straight talk with her, and take it from there.

As you have got nowhere to date relating to your needs I can only suggest that you consider turning the table and ask her what her needs are, both sexual and non-sexual. There is a suggestion that she needs to find self-validation as a person independent of the relationship between you, good or bad. Some women might like their men-folk looking after them lock, stock and barrel, others will find it limiting, claustrophobic and even insulting.<br />
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Maybe she needs to have sufficient feeling of self-worth, to be your equal before she may feel comfortable with you. This is all highly speculative. Time to put her in the spotlight and ask her, as tactfully and as gently as possible what she wants. You may or may not get what you want in return, or you might get what you want in a different form. If you do get the latter, you will have to contemplate if that is what you can entertain.

I hear you loud and clear,nothing is worst than to live with basically a room mate.When you live with a spouse and there is no passion or affection,you feel lost.I chose to have an affair,which nearly ended my marriage.He chose to forgive me,we still live in a<br />
loveless marriage.He.doesn't get it and never<br />
will.So good luck

I understand where you are coming from. Your wife sounds like my husband. I am in my early 30's and have been going through the same for almost a year. It is frustrating and seems like no matter what I do, it is never good enough. I wish my husband would even give me the time of day, that hasn't happened. Our stories are very similar and from experience, the more you address the issue with her, the more she will ignore the problem. She has lost sight of the passion.

Unfortunately I think you are right Bella. I have addressed this with her several times over the past few years. She just tells me that I am being absurd. I don't think she realizes how lopsided our conversations are, and I don't think she can see past herself. That being said, I still love her, so that makes it all the more difficult. I am sorry that you are living the same reality! It is a lonely place to be.

It makes it harder when you have children. There is love there but what I have come to terms with is that I am important. My feelings matter and I am only human. I can love end

Love eternally,laugh deeply yet cry endlessly. That is what life has become. Do I love my husband, yes but I cannot forgive him for treating me as if I no longer matter. There comes a time where you will ask yourself... When is enough enough! We marry in hopes to be eachother's universe but never expect to be married to emptiness.

Tell her exactly what you told us and ask HER what she thinks should happen. If she loves you enough, she would either change or at least try to change ... or she would let you go. If nothing changes, you are the one who has to make some changes in your life.