Turning Of The Tables

It has been awhile since I have written, because I have been focused on my music career. But I have to say this. My refuser is grasping at straws because I no longer ask for sex. We have been married for three years and in that time darn near every request for sex by me has been rewarded with a firm no. So I stopped asking. I can take a hint.

So now she is scared because I have turned her down for sex three times in the past month. Let me be clear. This woman rarely asks for sex or initiates. She has gone for up to two months without even bringing it up. And in that time, I have never refused her advances. But I realized that the sex was a control device on her part and what she failed to realize was that I was desirable. It came to a head last week when a woman flirted with me right in front of her. She got mad at me, but I had nothing to do with what the woman saw in me. Since then, the wife has been seeking me out, but I think it is less about wanting me, and more about keeping me from realizing her control BS.

So tonight she comes to talk to me (don't we love those?). She tells me that I need to be more affectionate and listen more. This is funny, because this is all we do. I seek her out many times a day for long hugs and she is always free to cuddle up on my lap or lay on my chest until she goes to sleep. But strangely, she wants more. So anyway, during the conversation, she tells me I need to stay away from her boobs because she feels I am fixated on them. This is funny because she told me this a year ago and I have not touched them since. So I don't know what the hell she is talking about. I pointed out that her body is mine and mine is hers according to the Bible she claims to follow. And she told me that that was so much crap. She decides who gets her and when. So at that point I stopped listening.

Apparently I am not welcome and it pains her to have to have a marriage where sex is actually expected. I was upstairs minding my own business when she came to have this talk and I have not even done anything sexually to have drawn her attention. To be honest, at this point, I could not care less if I ever have sex again. Surely not with someone who does not really want me to have it with them.

My wife is beautiful and sexy as all get out. I sleep next to her every night and it is only as a room mate. Sex to her is a big chore that she supposedly got suckered into. I get the impression that she is cheating on me, but I cannot prove it. At least it would give a reason for why she shut me off. We have to go to Church tomorrow and she will put on her all is well game face. I won't wear mine anymore. We no longer really sit together. She is the lead singer of my band, but that is more business than anything, and she really does not get that it is a job and not a hobby.

I would think that a woman with a successful husband who is attractive, loving and supportive would feel like she was in heaven, but oh well. I am too much of an optimist sometimes.

The title of this piece is turning of the tables, but it was not my intent to do so. Anyone who lives in our situation will eventually realize two things. One, we don't have to stay and be abused or neglected. And two. You can only be rejected so many times before we get the picture that we are not wanted. I do not reject her because I am being mean. I reject her because I am not attracted to her anymore. And not physically. I am not attracted because she does not really want me and I can see this...I have to see this every single day of my life. So those good feelings are gone. Can I get them back? Maybe. I am a man of faith, but maybe this is God's way of telling me what is not good for me so I can recognize the good when I see it.

Like all ILIASMers my thoughts are all over the place. It really is hard to function when your intimate married life is crap. The Wife wants me to read something she found online about bad marriages, but for two years she has refused to read anything I brought up about sexless marriages and she won't even read the chapters in the book I wrote on the subject. Apparently it is her way or no way. I do not wish to play that game anymore. Marriage is supposed to be a compromising enterprise and union. Who told her she could make all the rules? Beats me, but who ever it is is an idiot. I'm done. I wish and pray that many of you would find peace in your marriages and I hope that is not asking for too much.
NMBtruth1 NMBtruth1
41-45, M
7 Responses May 13, 2012

shes selfish. she likes the benefits of marriage w/o actually being married. totally understand. good luck

Wow. sad stuff. Involved with a married woman myself and this sounds eerily familiar to what shes doing to her current husband...not cool and not right. So by some odd chance this made me think... Thank you and good luck

You and I have spent hours talking about our marriages and what we want and aren't getting from our spouses. <br />
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You know how I feel and what I wish for you, but I do have to agree with the others. It's time you find the happiness and joy you deserve, and unfortunately I don't see it happening in your current situation.

I'm not one to give automatic "leave her" advice. But this story sounds like you're over the thrashing around searching for the "why" of it all, and coming to a place of acceptance that the marriage is broken. You're young still, and have a long life of music and passion and fun ahead of you. I'd just urge you to be sure you've made all the efforts you can to connect with her, so that if you leave you can do so with a clear conscience. And when you're sure of that - then it's kinder to both of you to go now, at three years, rather than waiting decades like I have. Best wishes to you!

Stay strong.

Your situation sounds fairly grim. It sounds as about as alienating as it is possible to be, really exploitative. I mean does she have no insight into how her behaviour would look to ANYONE who could actually observe it? Does it not bring her any sense of shame? Or does she actually know full well but think she can justify it? It appears predatory and that is just not acceptable.<br />
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Does she think that the matter is just too difficult to deal with and is only prepared to respond now that it is clearly regarded by you as being beyond the pale? You surely must have been tempted to just bluntly point out to her how incongruous her behaviour appears to be? What was her reaction? Just defensive? No concession that it isn't helping?<br />
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The old saying about when you are in a hole you should stop digging could never be truer.

Ah yes. Fear. Fear is always the Great Motivator for refusers.

And the Great Unmotivator for the refused...

Yes. So, so true.