Making The Decision To Change

I have a really unique story. I live overseas, am the sole provider, and I've been married for 7 years. He's in his early 40s, I'm in my early 30s and am the one with the education and stellar career. Our sex life really started to dwindle around three years ago, but we still made passionate love at least once every three weeks. Now we have hit my nightmare point---2 months without intimacy! The more time goes on without sex, the more tension there is between us and the more we fight. In fact, I dread the weekends.I know if I even offered him to leave with the kids (we have two small children) he wouldn't because he' wouldn't have anywhere to go. He did tell me he wanted to leave at one point when he was in contact with his ex-girlfriend, but I didn't know it at the time. I certainly offered to let him go when he asked to leave, but not with my children. Now I know he was in the midst of a serious emotional online affair, but I am certain it is over because he is not begging to leave; he's just not interested in me (and frankly if he's doing shady things online I know there is really nothing I can do to change it; anyone can do that now, and I'm not going to waste all my time trying to prove it). I am trying to get a good job on U.S. soil so I have more options. My goal is to be as positive as possible throughout this difficult time. The more negative he is, the more positive I'd like to become. I do not want to let this age me prematurely or make me into a negative person. I have strategies for when he rejects me so that it doesn't turn into me crying, which is not productive at all. I am trying my best, but is it ever challenging! My goal in this group is to find outlets so that I can maintain a positive, healthy, and stable outlook on life during these months of sexual deprivation and rejection. I am in the acceptance stage. I was in the denial stage for a very long time, but now I see this for what it is; it doesn't look like it's going to get any better and I need to find healthy ways to still live my life while in this marriage.
roommatemother roommatemother
31-35
6 Responses May 13, 2012

He's repeatedly cheated on you. He's using you. <br />
Get out.

It sounds like your wheels are already in motion. Acceptance was the hardest part of the journey for me. My mind kept fighting what my heart had long been telling me. But you are right - what is, is. I doesn't matter who did what to whom; if you are incompatibile (sexually or otherwise) you just are.<br />
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You said two things that are really important..the first is:<br />
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"and frankly if he's doing shady things online I know there is really nothing I can do to change it; anyone can do that now, and I'm not going to waste all my time trying to prove it." <br />
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I could not agree with this more. You don't need become a spy to know that something is wrong with your marriage - the reasons really don't matter unless HE is willing to come to the party.<br />
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The second one is:<br />
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"The more time goes on without sex, the more tension there is between us and the more we fight."<br />
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When people come on this board, they often separate sex from everything else in the marriage...I know I did because that is the refusers litany..."Everything else is great. Why do you have to focus on the one thing that's wrong?" But, without physical intimacy, the foundation of a marriage relationship is weakened. That is the truth and it's always been the truth so sex DOES matter and it is not separate.<br />
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I wish you great things. Keep telling your truth and putting one foot in front of the other. Also, your kids need you - they need to see your strength.

You are not his mother. He already cheated on you, what are you waiting for? Your diagnosis is correct: he is not interested in you. Find someone who is.<br />
Good luck!

I commend you for realizing much sooner than I did that you need to find healthy ways to survive a sexless marriage. By not wallowing in anger, sadness, and depression, you are miles ahead on your journey OUT of your sexless marriage. :)

Being positive won't solve the problem for you but it sure will help you deal with it as effectively as possible. I trust you tell him about how things are changing for you, even just the once. I am not suggesting that he is entitled to know but he sure is obliged to hear it.<br />
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What is his problem, apart from being something of a ****? Is it just that he can be a ****, that the opportunity or opportunities are there? Or is there something unspoken driving him there?<br />
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On the one hand, it is only two months since the grand switch off, but on the other hand there has been a change afoot for about 36. Do you think that it is all part of the same issue or that something else has been added in the last two months? Something that has happened between you over those two months that relates back to those previous 36?<br />
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It almost sounds that if a relationship gets difficult for him that he effectively withdraws and then casually seeks something that is easier and safer to him, even if it is not likely to come to much in the longer term. Maybe he just can't do real relationships, crap and all? I could understand that in a way, but if you can't then it is best not to put another person through it knowing that you are going to opt out at the first sign of discord.

Your story is unique (to you) but far from "unique".<br />
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Like just about everyone else here, you are in a dysfunctional situation, and looking for a coping mechanism to stay, or a way out as a last resort.<br />
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Keep reading, but unless you are one of a ridiculously small minority, the exit is the most likely way ahead.<br />
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Tread your own path.

It's good to know my situation is not unique, actually. It makes me feel more normal! Hopefully the obstacle of not being on U.S. territory will be out of the way soon. Baby steps..the more he rejects me the more motivated I am to keep proceeding with my life-changing steps. Maybe it's what he wants subconsciously too?