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The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

The good part is after several weeks my wife decided it was time.  The bad part is she rushed me through everything so it just be over.  The ugly part is that I made an overture toward her this morning and she literally yelled at me for doing so.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she feels so much resentment toward me it's beginning to spiral out of control.  This won't be pretty but we'll have to sit and talk about this. Somehow we'll have to work this out or our marriage is doomed. I don't ever want it to end so I'll just have to uncover the rocks and get her to let it all out. I just hope I'm strong enough to deflect what needs deflecting and come to terms with what can truly make a difference.
PC2629 PC2629 56-60, M 8 Responses May 13, 2012

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I like the concept of a third party.

If this is a pattern with her, and her resentment is ongoing and building in intensity, you really do need to find out what's going on. In addition to being refusers and non-intimate, another common trait seems to be that these people are uncommunicative, which makes it that much harder to understand what their problem is.



Here are the choices you have, in my opinion: 1. Do nothing, and let it pass without comment. I'm sure she loves the avoidance, that is her preference. 2. Ask her to sit down and discuss with you face to face what she is resentful about. You would be wise to start by stating what you are feeling, and that you want to remedy the problem, if she is also willing to work on fixing it. 3. Tell her that the current status of your martiage is not acceptable. Give her at least three VERY specific examples of things that have taken place and tell her what your expectations are. She will either be surprised to hear you state exactly what you need and choose to be more mindful of that, OR, she doesn't care what you want/need, in which case, you would at least know it. 4. Pack a suitcase and find somewhere else to be for a bit. Let her know, nicely, that when she is ready to be real about the issues, you will be more than ready to talk, but that this can't continue as is.



There are probably other choices, too. In any case, it sounds as though the time is coming that serving needs to be done.



On a side note....I need to follow my own advice!!



I hope you find a way to work through it.

Nice advice

i spent 13 years with a man who had no interest in me sexually. it made no diffrence what i did, nothing helped to make it better. when he did do it, it was so mechanical, that i usually ended up in tears, and that did not help. i gave up after a year in therapy. i hope you can get her to talk about it. i never could get him to talk. all i got was anger.

In my experience talking does little good. She will most probably lie, refuse to divulge any real info, turn the talk into a guilt trip for you, and then when it all gets too hard she will pick a fight rather than finish the talk.



Its time you laid your cards on the table about what you expect how she makes you feel etc. You talk she listens. Than if she has anything to contribute she can. If not and she wont listen you have some seriously thinking to do regarding your next step etc.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

Kind of hard to tell where you are in the process not enough information. But know this talking seldom does any good most of us talked for years with no results. The only thing that really matters is actions but if you aren't prepared to take action you'd best not start talking because it can mushroom on you and you can end up on the other side of the door very quickly. So you need a what if plan to cover that contingency. People will say all kinds of things to preserve their little comfortable world but their actions don't lie so pay attention to results and look at what the meaning behind those actions reveal. Many of us here have found that what it boils down to is that our spouse doesn't love us the way that we need to be loved and never will and once you know that crucial fact then it's up to you to take action. Good Luck.

Warrior - you are my idol. You are so wise. It is obvious that you have taken a long stroll down Reality Lane and have come to grips with "what is".

It is difficult to comment as it is not clear what happened in your marriage: was it just several weeks dry unfortunate period or was your marriage sexless for 30 years... If it is the latter probably to sit and talk is just absolutely useless....

Sometimes, it's better to have a third party mediate such intense conversations. You might want to do this with some form of counselor.

What do you mean by "deflect"? Do you mean listen and learn or do you mean water off a duck's back and survive? "Deflect" so often has negative connotations these days. You will be very lucky if she ever lets it all out. Many contributors here spend years and tears trying to get their partner to spill the beans but just end up divorcing still not any wiser as to what the true issues ever were.