I Really Hate It.

Right now, due to my dear husband's emotional dysregulation with BPD, he is "not interested" in having "anything physical" with me.

It hurts. I really LONG for his passionate kisses, I miss his arms around me or heck, grabbing my tush in playfulness.

I miss him. I love him and feel that I am WAY TOO YOUNG not to have loving, passionate and meaningful physical affection.

I have tried talking about it. Hinting that I "want to be with him". I have gone back to bed and "made myself available".

The other morning after deciding that I was "going to try" to engage him, he brings up that IF we are "intimate", it would really mean that we "have a relationship" and he could divorce me less easily since he thinks that a legal representative "put me up to it" to "help my case". F*** him.

Last night, I straddle his leg on the couch and snuggled up to him, hugged him; just hugged him. He lifelessly "touched" my arm; oh boy. I told him I really want a GOOD kiss. I tried a few kiss, Nothing.

This morning at the breakfast table I told him "I really miss your HOT passionate kisses". I told him I would like to be "looked at by him" and have him think a POSITIVE thought. ALL damn day I have "worked" for him around the house; we had to go out and come back for lunch and now, he says that "you weren't THAT much of a help to me today". F*** him. Now he wants me to help him in the yard which will mean NOTHING to him to add to my "credit" list. 

It is just TOO DAMN BAD that I am not the kind of woman to GO OUT AND FIND what my husband is withholding from me. I love him and I have NEVER been the cheating kind and do NOT want another man (or woman for that matter). I WANT HIM.

He is a damn LUCKY FOOL. I hope he wakes up soon. I am planning on taking the matter "in my own hands" and I don't care what he thinks of it.

Trying to stay focused, positive and "take care of myself". I hate loving a man who is mentally ill and can't see how much I love and WANT him.

I hated to join this group, but I imagine, that my story is like so many of yours. I am sorry. Sending love and hugs and hope to you all.

Missalaineyeus Missalaineyeus
46-50, F
4 Responses May 14, 2012

So sorry that you have to go through this, I hope he gets better .For years and years I lived without sex and I finally broke down and bought a vibrator, that really helped with some of the frustration.

Just get a divorce. <br />
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Your marriage is very crazy.

I hear you; but I really love him and want him to be "well". He is worth it.

I commend you. I wish my wife loved her crazy husband half as much as you love yours.

People with personality disorders never get "well". It's part of who they are. They can be taught to mind their behaviors, but it's not something that can be "cured".

I guess that is the point. Love goes beyond illness..."in sickness AND in health"...I just am going through the sickness part.

Technically, no one can BE CURED of anything but we can learn to adapt our thinking and behavior. Great strides have been made in BPD research and clinical treatment; HIGH percentage of those with bpd who enter treatment see GREAT improvement in one year and can be nearly free of symptoms in two years. Not like some personality disorders; OCPD will NEVER admit that 'they have a problem'...you can't "cure" what is not diseased.

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What's this about your "case?" Seems to be a lot more going on there than just his refusing to have sex with you.

He loves me, I love him but it is a strange push me pull you fear of intimacy and abandonment that persons with bpd (borderline personality disorder) constantly live with. I can do EVERYTHNG perfect and say ONE LITTLE THING that negates all else that I have done; it is called black and white thinking. He admitted that he has issues with this and is willing to go to counseling. There is hope. Thanks.

It's going to take more than counseling. He might need medication. Traditional counseling usually doesn't work for BPD. Of course it also depends on the severity.

Very possible but maybe not; he will be open to that; we have already discussed it. CBT, DBT and MBT has come a LONG way in the treatment (successful) of BPD. I am hopeful.

There aren't any drugs that lessen any personality disorders. Occasionally, they'll give them mood stabilizers or antipsychotics, and the mood stabilizers work for a short time, and the antipsychotics leave them drugged and asleep much of the time.

Yes, that is why we are not interested in drugs for him; he is brilliant and needs HELP not drugs. He was thinking about something that would make him mellow and I am not against that but told him it would only be an escape not a help.

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I think we all hate having to be here. Not because of the people here, they're great, it's the damned circumstance that drives us together that is hateful. <br />
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Best of luck to you. <br />
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Thanks...if we were older it just wouldn't matter THAT much to me but because of his "illness", I feel that I am being punished and I am a bit angry. I love him and can understand his illness; I hope this will pass quickly. We have always been very affectionate and passionate with one another. I am feeling quite "jilted".

Exactly right. I only came here out of desperation. One night I was so lonely and miserable I just typed into the computer "I live in a sexless marriage" and here I am. The support is great, wonderful, but it still doesn't solve the problem. My wife is and will always be asexual. I guess the shocker is that I didn't know such people existed. Now I know better albeit too late.

My wife isn't technically "sick" but I feel cheated also. I don't ask for much but some passion would be nice and she won't even grant that, or, if she can't provide any to at least acknowledge the fact that I'm a healthy human being with some needs which she won't acknowledge either. To her, I'm just a piece of furniture or a Ken doll that she likes to dress up and admire but not touch.

Lightpainter- Man do I understand. It is so challenging to be in a position where the thing you want the most in life, and thought you would have based on a normal understanding of what marriage is supposed to be, cannot be had. And when she is just an arm's reach away, it makes it even harder.
I'm not the Ken doll or the furniture, just a cook, childcare provider, handyman, whatever...just not a lover.

I wish there was an answer to this...


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