The CycleAw hell… I really wasn’t planning on joining this group this time. For some reason, some people here interpret it as an invitation to sext me. I really want to focus on the positive things in my life and be happy with how they are, rather than feeling so empty for the *one thing* I am missing. Unless you experience this, you just cannot understand the aching emptiness that comes with a lack of intimacy. I can’t simply accept the fact that I know my husband loves me – and he does, I know this in my head – but without the affection, I never *feel* loved, or wanted, or accepted.
I tried for so long to change, mostly unconsciously, to deaden myself to that need and my very passionate heart. Once I realized it, I was in a very bad place and I cannot go back there. I don’t want to just give up, especially since it’s not his fault. He has a health problem that has killed his sex drive – of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t show me love in other ways… but he really just doesn’t think about it. It’s not how he grew up and it’s not something he needs. The argument we have more than any other is his utter lack of empathy – he won’t even buy a gift for someone that he can’t see personally see value in, regardless of their interests or wishes.
I feel so selfish, still wanting more, when I have someone who does the best he can to care for me and our son. The cycle just never ends – or changes – except that I feel more dejected each time. I don’t know what to do yet, and no one can tell me either – I am, in all other respects, a very strong person. But, I am also deeply flawed – it is real possibility I might not find another who will accept me, even as much as my husband has. You just have to trust me on that one… But, even now, the wheels are in motion. I think that is why I feel so sad – I already know.