Post

The Cycle

Aw hell… I really wasn’t planning on joining this group this time. For some reason, some people here interpret it as an invitation to sext me. I really want to focus on the positive things in my life and be happy with how they are, rather than feeling so empty for the *one thing* I am missing. Unless you experience this, you just cannot understand the aching emptiness that comes with a lack of intimacy. I can’t simply accept the fact that I know my husband loves me – and he does, I know this in my head – but without the affection, I never *feel* loved, or wanted, or accepted.

I tried for so long to change, mostly unconsciously, to deaden myself to that need and my very passionate heart. Once I realized it, I was in a very bad place and I cannot go back there. I don’t want to just give up, especially since it’s not his fault. He has a health problem that has killed his sex drive – of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t show me love in other ways… but he really just doesn’t think about it. It’s not how he grew up and it’s not something he needs. The argument we have more than any other is his utter lack of empathy – he won’t even buy a gift for someone that he can’t see personally see value in, regardless of their interests or wishes.

I feel so selfish, still wanting more, when I have someone who does the best he can to care for me and our son. The cycle just never ends – or changes – except that I feel more dejected each time. I don’t know what to do yet, and no one can tell me either – I am, in all other respects, a very strong person. But, I am also deeply flawed – it is real possibility I might not find another who will accept me, even as much as my husband has. You just have to trust me on that one… But, even now, the wheels are in motion. I think that is why I feel so sad – I already know.
Aurinne Aurinne 36-40, F 10 Responses May 14, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I can relate from the opposite side; as my marriage is honest and pure, I deeply love my wife of going on 7 years. I am the husband who no longer has a sex drive due to medical complications. I feel terribly that I am depriving my wife of a basic human need - though it's been so long since we've even tried that it has become awkward for the both of us. It doesn't help that I am bisexual, as she always wonders if things would be any different if she, were a he. This will pass and largely we both feel there are environmental factors that need to be addressed as a part of the solution. Best of luck with your situation, it sounds to me as though you have true love, maybe it can change if other facets of your relationship evolve over time. It's what gives me hope - and knowing my wife is at my side for better and fir worse makes a huge difference in my outlook.

Time moves inexorably on and perspectives continuously evolve... Right now, I just want to wait and see what happens next. :)

Are there any treatment options available for your husband's condition that may bring back the spark or ability for the physical intimacy in your relationship? Personally, I've considered talking to my doctor regarding the matter if things do not change after addressing the environmental issues that feed into the inability to have an intimate setting. It's such a mutli-faceted issue to tackle, and no doubt there are likely more differences in your experience that similarities in mine. None the less, the end result is similar, and hopefully we both will find resolutions as time goes on. Does your husband recognize it as something that needs to be addressed? I do so hope that he too wants to bring back the passion to your relationship, as you said he loves you. There are sexual people, and those less so, I am less so - my wife, more so. You mentioned it doesn't come naturally to him, intimacy, but hopefully it can become something new or renewed in your love life that brings you closer. I think it's great that we live in a day and age where there are support groups for all matters of life, I wish you the best!

Unfortunately, in this case, there's really nothing to be done. The only option isn't effective. It's a genetic problem that has caused permanent damage. All we can really do is try and prevent more damage from occurring. Things... are complicated, but not in a bad way.

I am sorry to hear that the options are limited at best and hope for the foces of nature will turn tides in you and your husbands favor. Knowing the problem and your options as well as which doors are not open to a resolution speaks volumes to the efforts put forth to seek a solution as opposed to giving up. I wish that there were more options available, and hope for a better outlook further down the road. For a complicated matter, it's nice to know that the complications are not anything you're struggling with any more than needed. As always, best wishes and hope for the future!

1 More Response

I love my wife like no other on the planet. She loves my and is affectionate towards me but the frequency we have sex is about once a month. So I cant say I live in a sexless marriage, but it might as well be from my perspective. But she supports me even in that so ok she is still awesome.

We just had sex, or the first time since either of us could recall - many months. I love him, more than I think I could anyone else... For now, I am happy to bask in that.

I am so sorry; your story brought tears to my eyes; I can see that you do love him and I am sure that he DOES love you.<br />
<br />
'Unless you experience this, you just cannot understand the aching emptiness that comes with a lack of intimacy. I can’t simply accept the fact that I know my husband loves me – and he does, I know this in my head – but without the affection, I never *feel* loved, or wanted, or accepted."<br />
<br />
I completely understand, sympathize and send healing thoughts your way. <br />
<br />
On the lighter side: have you ever told your husband that you are originally from Missouri (the SHOW ME state???) lol...hugs

haha - that is so funny, because I am from Missouri... how did you know? ;) Thank you for your thoughts... it helps to feel understood.

LOL, that IS funny. I think of Audrey Hepburn as Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady...where she sings "if you're in love. SHOW ME!!!"...wishing you the best...

oh my gosh - forgot all about that - that is fantastic! :) thank you.

This is what you can say to your husband: " I feel like I am just the unpaid housekeeper and nursemaid here. I am cooking, cleaning, laundering, nursemaiding, all for my food and board. I am not getting any affection, emotional connection, intimacy or show of appreciation. It makes me very sad and lonely and leads me to despair of my life".<br />
<br />
Then you can see how he reacts. If he does CARE FOR YOU then he will try his best to make you feel more appreciated and give you affection. I did give this talk (gender inverted) to my wife and she did her best to make me feel better. Because she DOES CARE. <br />
I am not even talking about 'love' here, because if your husband loved you, he would as a sane, grown-up human male, long since have seen that you are unhappy and he would have tried, of his own initiative, to do something for you. <br />
If your husband does not come to the party and pay more attention to you after you tell him, then that is evidence that your husband is not able to properly love and care for you, and it's down to what LaoTzu said - red pill, or blue pill. Stay and be miserable, or take your chance at life and freedom. Those are your options.

Clever and amusing. :) And also accurate. *sigh* This is the choice I am loathe to face.

I've been there. My marriage is 12 years old, although we've been together for 14. About 9 years ago my wife started to neglect me. 3 years ago I was so sad and despondent and craving affection that I told her. I spent a lot of time working it out. My wife is very defensive, she's got a/p behaviour deeply ingrained, so I had to find a way of being non confrontational, otherwise she would've become defensive and just shut me out. So I told her how I feel, sad, dispirited, unloved and left the ball in her court. Had I said anything like "You didn't" "you don't" "You never" it would have had the opposite effect to what I desired. I was lucky, my wife took action and began to learn how to get closer to me again - many, way too many stories in the iliasm forum end up differently, in that the "refuser" keeps doing just that, refusing to make an effort to care for their spouse. Very sad.

thank you for providing that positive slant on this - it is hard not to get depressed sometimes.

I see you have to face it if you can as there are lots of people suffer and they can't even think of facing it for many reasons.

1 More Response

Keep reading here. Pretty soon, you will have to make a choice - red pill or blue pill. To hold fast to the idea of what your marriage is or really see it for what it is. The perception that everything falls within quantifiable debits and credits columns will alsp be challenged. Then you choose your pain. The main reaIization is that you are not a victim. Your choices may be poor ones, but they are there nonetheless. Take care.

I've never been a very good victim - I always have a need to do something when faced with an unhappy situation. Time will tell, which I decide is the lesser pain.

You say you are flawed, we all are. I do not know you and know your flaws, but there are others out there who will love you unconditionally and show it physically, even though you are human (i.e. flawed). You write of "The Cycle" which I know all too much about. I live in a cycle to where every 6 months or so I get so uptight about the lack of intimacy with my wife that I have to just let it out and tell her. In the end she always shows me sympathy and how she wants things to change and what she's gonna do to make it better. I've been married 12 years and the talk is every 6 months or so with the same outcome every time. She understands, tells me how things are going to change and I trust her. Every time. Now 20 or so cycles have come and gone and in many cases I'm worse off then ever. I hate to think nothing will ever change (unless I leave and find someone new) but the reality is it's the truth.

yea... you just described my marriage perfectly - down to how many years we've been married. i think you expressed it far better than i did - thank you for the cold dose of truth. it kinda stings, but i did need it.

Well, if you are still in denial of the truth, all I can say is that you are too young to settle for this bullshit. Feel free and entitled to dump your husband and you should if only to eliminate the chance of you two resuming sex, getting pregnant and passing on refuser genes. <br />
<br />
" I can’t simply accept the fact that I know my husband loves me – and he does, I know this in my head – but without the affection, I never *feel* loved, or wanted, or accepted. " <br />
You believe he loves you? <br />
Your faith must be able to move mountains!

Not everyone expresses love the same way. I know he loves me. Oh, I also do believe thoughts can move mountains. *hugs*

Better to engineer a solution instead of trying to enginner the passion out of the human.<br />
<br />
You do have choices and they all involve a price.

I AGREE!!!

That is so poetic and so very true.

My story is the same as yours. My wife loves me, but has no sex drive whatsoever. She cannot deal with passion or intimacy, even though she thinks she does. And we crave that sexuality and intimacy or we wouldn't have found EP. The intentions of our spouses are all fine and well, and we do love them and appreciate it, but let's face it, there is no substitute for true passionate sex.

*sigh* that is so true... honestly, if i could change, i wouldn't want to - i wouldn't even begin to know how to behaving having such a large part of myself cut out

Exactly. I'm dealing with that right now especially after my wife informed me that initiating sex wasn't in her personality. I have to decide what to do, adapt to a virtually sexless marriage or leave it. She cannot and will not change and I also don't know how to lose such an integral part of myself.

*tear* I am sorry lightpainter...I long for my husband to "initiate" too...it IS in his personality though I think I am the one with the stronger drive but not by much; until lately.

It really is being torn in two... I am sorry for what you are going through. I wonder if we are all mismatched from the beginning, or only as we change... I don't mean that to sound unfeeling - I just honestly can't explain why there are so many who feel the same way.

Could it be that very opposites attract? Sexual people attract non-sexual people? And then, why do we put up with it? Are we so afraid no one else will want us? Do we feel so damaged?

2 More Responses

The more I think of it the more I find myself agreeing with VB, even though he is a detestable individual, that there are sex people and there are non-sex people. However, I don't think it is quite as straight-forward as that in reality. It seems some people do need validation of their acceptance to others through tactile interaction of which sexual intercourse is the ultimate ex<x>pression in terms of acceptance and being vulnerable and giving and receiving, while others arrive at more or less the same point through a logical, intellectual and psychological fr<x>ame of reference.<br />
<br />
The fact that your husband THINKS he loves you as opposed to physically demonstrating it, is perhaps as valid, instinctively, in his mind. The psychological submission is justification in his mind alone, but for others it is not enough, it is not real until it has a tangible manifestation.<br />
<br />
I suspect for a lot of people it is in practice a mix of both the psychological and the physical and that perhaps they can to some extent substitute one for the other. For others, who are at the outer ends of the spectrum it is much more one or the other.<br />
<br />
Of course, for you, there is little consolation in that, even if you recognise it, because psychologically it leaves you feeling 'hungry', unsatisfied. It would be ideal, PERHAPS, if your husband could focus on giving, rather than receiving, given his personal and practical predicament. However, that is very hard to achieve and sustain if there is not a natural instinct for it. It might also leave you feeling that all he was doing was doing you a favour, a charitable act, which would be perhaps less satisfying in any event.

This is pretty much how I feel about the whole thing.

I really appreciate this comment.

"The fact that your husband THINKS he loves you as opposed to physically demonstrating it, is perhaps as valid, instinctively, in his mind. The psychological submission is justification in his mind alone, but for others it is not enough, it is not real until it has a tangible manifestation"

This statement encapsulates my situation with my ex exactly. You have put into words what I have known but been unable to express so succinctly. Thank you.