Another Special Day

Mothers' Day. Today I got two special messages from the children who are now living on their own; some from friends and family.  I never got even a peck on the cheek from my beloved husband.  He went off to a meeting and not one word uttered on my special day.  This is the routine nowadays.  He goes off, saying a casual goodbye, gone for a week, month, and only messages me when he is coming home so I can prepare a meal for him.  I should have gotten used to it by now.  Sadly though, I am still hurt and gets terribly depressed for consecutive days, in between bouts of anger, insecurities and yes, physical pain- headaches and heart aches.  I suffer this cycle for every special occasion that comes.  I even dread them, fearing the intense loneliness they would bring.  Will it ever be possible to get immune to all these pain?  When will I stop hurting?  Can I even find happiness on my own without betraying my own feelings?  And the answer comes to me plain and simple: yes, it will stop, when my heart stops beating.  As to happiness, I try to be gentle with myself, finding simple pleasures in the beauty of life, but it is never complete.  As long as we're together, happiness is as elusive as a flitting thought and I have lost all hopes of ever capturing it again.  But again, all these will pass, until the next occasion brings on the cycle once more.....
bloomdale bloomdale
56-60, F
3 Responses May 14, 2012

Dare you think about what your issue is or issues are? Are you suggesting that you have wronged him in some way in the past that now means that you deserve to pay penance? Have you committed some crime in the past that you feel you now must atone for? If that were the case all you can do is to say you are sorry and mean it and ask, " Can we move on? Do you want to move on?" Do you think he would have left you before now if it were not for practical considerations over money and resources? Your children are now adults and living on their own. At what point do your obligations as far as being their day-to-day parents end? Are you and your husband still financing them in some way that would be impacted if you were to split and divide your shared resources? If your husband takes off for days, weeks or months at a time he sure does not miss your company. It sounds all about providing him with hotel services.<br />
<br />
I think you might want to think about the possibility that he will divorce you when the time and circumstances are right for him. What will you do then, especially if you are wilfully unprepared? Figuratively or actually lie down and die? Are you such a bad or worthless person that the situation warrants such an extreme conclusion?<br />
<br />
Perhaps it is time to consider that irrespective of how flawed you might feel you are that in most respects that you are no worse than the majority of us and that all you are obliged to do is your best. At least consider whether from your children's perspective the way you are contemplating responding would be as wrongful as either separating or divorcing and starting afresh.

I have not wronged him in any way, and I can't make excuses for him the way it turned out. I thought we had a good relationship until it started to go sour. As I said, if he leaves now, I won't stop him. I have money of my own and earning from my business so I will not be dependent on him. It's just that I don't want to be the one to break it up, be seen as the culprit in destroying our family. As to responding by having an affair, I doubt I will ever have the courage to do so willfully.

I wouldn't propose you have an affair but neither would I criticise you for doing so unless you complained about it not working in some way for you. We all have to live our lives as best we can no matter how poorly it might actually turn out to be. Try to not be harmful towards yourself in your thinking. Your family has already broken up. Your children have left the family home. There is just you and him and there is nothing to that by all accounts. Who has a right to judge you in respect of breaking up a family home that to all intents and purposes no longer exists? Do you think your children will? Do you think they are entitled? What if they get married and run into difficulties and consider divorce? Are you going to suggest to them that they shouldn't because you didn't and that they don't want to be seen as the 'home-breaker' above all else? I have a challenge for you. Start to challenge your own thinking. Challenge the orthodoxy with which you rest on the principle that 'just because' is actually not good enough. Come up with a better, more pragmatic, more logical reason for NOT separating or divorcing other than "I don't want to be the bad boy". After a while nobody will care and a lot won't even remember. They might be more likely to, "Remember bloomdale, the martyr? Wasn't that something?"

It's such a big decision to make, but I will think about your challenge. I know it will be tough and I really have to be brave and decisive about it. It will take time...

13 years is a long time. Like me you stay quiet so as to not rock the boat. Yet the boat is killing you. So take some courage and rock the boat. Sign up with Ashley Madison and have an affair. Send some anger at him instead of just receiving it. Take his money and get some therapy, find out why you put up with this. Go visit the kids without him. Next time he comes home hand him a can of soup and a can opener.

thank you for the sympathy. I am a candidate for martyrdom. I don't know when I can muster the courage to do these things, admittedly, I have gone over these for quite some time, but I haven't put any into motion. For what it's worth, you have made me smile. Thank you.

me too. for the past 5 months i have been in a sexless marriage. <br />
for mother's day as any other day, no hug or kiss or any sign of affection<br />
or for christmas or valentine's day.<br />
after he eats dinner he sleeps and gets up when we go to bed<br />
he avoids me and has very little conversation with me but is very jovial when speaking to others.<br />
it is very depressing. i feel so humiliated and unwanted.

I know. But do you recover after the episode, at least until the next season starts? Hopefully, you do, to save your energies for the next round of pain. I know it's what saves me from consistent depression, the "rest period" so I can prepare myself again. I am like a tortured victim, given a respite in between bouts of severe pain infliction. At least it hasn't pushed me to the ends of my limits as I haven't thought of putting an end to my suffering by my own hand. Let's give support to each other while we can?

i eventually give in maybe out of desperation or need to feel wanted. it's terrible, i know but what can i do? would get myself in hot water if i would succumb to advances from others. i recover yes but not 100%. with each episode less and less recovery takes place. you are right, it is a cycle where you are not sure what triggered the indifference or what cause it to stop and life is normal again. used to think it was due to "moon madness" lol. i get so fed up and frustrated. it is no use asking family members or church leader to help. no one cares because he has such a charismatic personality with those on the outside, they don't believe me or the kids.some people don't care about what you have to go through at all. i am so happy i found this group. i was so frustrated with my life and just typed in sexless marriage and could not believe there are so many people with the same problem. maybe he is bipolar or maybe it is because he has erectile dysfunction from being a diabetic or maybe he is seeing someone else. i just find it hard for someone to sleep on the same bed every night and be so cold and devoid of affection!