Turning Of The Tables 2: The Revenge...

Ok so today Wife wants to have another talk. So we go for a walk. Hey that rhymes...Oh yes, back to the story. So anyway during the walk, she says we should work on forgetting who did who wrong and move ahead with regaining our sex life. Nice words, but I have heard them before. She says them every time she seems to be losing control of me. I am supposed to be a good lttle husband who begs for sex. Well, since I have not been asking, begging AND I turn her down when she initiates, she is scared I will go off with another woman.

I can hear her gears turning in her head. She says she has not lost passion for me and wants to know why I do not initiate. I told her it is because she turns me down every time. She denied it. I told her she has too many stipulations. She denied it. I told her it is not worth having sex if she tells me silly things like I can never touch her breasts because I seem fixated on them.

Now the piece de resistance. She told me that sex is like a chore since marrying me because she feels like she has no say iin when she can or cannot do it. She said that often when we would have sex, she would zone out because she felt like I was not making love to her, but to her body. Now in my defense, I love my wife and think her body is smoking hot. even though she has put on a few pounds....okay a LOT of pounds. I still love having sex with her. But to find out that she thinks I view her as just a sex object and that sex is a chore...well it is a turn off. So when she initiated tonight, I turned her down again. I do not wish to be intimate with someone who does not really want me.

I do not zone out when I make love to her. I do not view her as a sex object either. I am a married man who desires his wife. I think every married person desires their spouse. I do not think I am crazy for wanting what is normal for all married people.

Even as she was caressing me through my clothes and trying to kiss me, I knew what it was about. Control. So I was thinking I need to just go. But there are factors I have to consider. So I am going to give more serious thought to why I have stayed as long as I have. And I will also renew my plan B which I have never given up on. This is all so disappointing. I was disappointed when I joined ILIASM and saw I was not alone. It is disappointing that we are not desired and made to feel like freaks for wanting normalcy.


I came from a 17 year marriage that was sexless. I am now in another one. Is it my fault? I have done self examination and though I have my faults, I am a responsible loving husband who takes care of his family and does so even if it means I don't get my needs met. So many say any woman would love to have me, but there are at least two who do not. Not sincerely. And that hurts worse than anything I can imagine on this earth.
NMBtruth1 NMBtruth1
41-45, M
12 Responses May 14, 2012

Actually I have decided that should I get divorced, I will NOT be looking for a new relationship. I think I have had quite enough

Well I can only second what others have said:<br />
Get counseling!<br />
This is your 2nd SM. You need to look into how you create these in your life.<br />
She offered sex, you turned her down. Yet you complain about SM.<br />
Control does seem to be an issue. Perhaps get a sex game or sex dice to break yourselves out of the control loop.<br />
(Oops! I don't think anybody else said that last one)<br />
Get counseling!!

"I can never touch her breasts because I seem fixated on them."<br />
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That is the BEST reason she should want you to touch her breasts... goodness - I have been in a SM, have left a SM, have been around here a while and still this kind of stuff gets my panties in a bunch. So she wants you to touch her breasts but only if you find them saggy and unappealing? Try that one - tell her that her breasts are saggy and don't do it for you anymore. Let's see how well that goes over.

Good on you for recognizing the classic Judo Flip maneuver, #154 in the Refuser's Handbook.<br />
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She "has no say" in when she can and cannot do it?!?!?! Um. Honey. You have all the say, right now<br />
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Sheesh.<br />
<br />
-MR

There is so much I could say and I could ask, but I won't. Roll on relationship/marriage number three. Good luck.

It sounds to me that she is completely insecure and clings to the only thing she can control in her life - you. So when she stops being able to control you as well, it becomes a huge issue for her. If you do stay together, she has a lot of therapy ahead of her - I expect there's a huge self revulsion thing happening, or that she learned long ago that survival and honesty can't go together-- that it takes manipulation instead.<br />
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If she doesn't get some help and start the hard work of overcoming her own limitations, your relationship is toast. So an exit strategy seems key for you to maintain any kind of equilibrium, no matter how things eventually go. <br />
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How would you feel if she began to feel stronger about herself? If she started feeling independent of you? Would you welcome that or is there something in you that tries to resist it? I ask because this is the kind of behavior that encourages codependency, and I literally lived it for many years before I started to understand enough to change myself. I was inadvertently encouraging my wife to maintain her victim identity and, of course, there she stayed.

" I can never touch her breasts because I seem fixated on them." that is just insane.<br />
If she thinks you are fixated on them than she knows what turns you on and what you enjoy, to deny that specific thing to you when is just mean and controlling.<br />
That is sad,

Congratulations on turning the tables. That is to be commended. You sound like you have it figured out.<br />
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You are right sex to thhem is all power games and control. My wife is exactly the same. Constantly refusing but when i stop asking for it or she fears her meal ticket is about to walk suddenly the bar tab is back in credit. This only lasts a while until they feel safe again and you are back on your dry spell.<br />
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Stay Strong & dont give in. She is playing emotional mind games. Just for peace of mind i would suggest you visit a divorce lawyer and find out your rights on that issue.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I would suggest to get counselling, to avoid the same situation in the future.. It seems there is a pattern here to be involved in the second sexless marriage... Good luck to you!

There seems to be a pattern try to work on why that is the case. This wife is playing games.

It's maddening when you've been neglected for so long and you finally decide you've had enough and begin your journey out, only to have your neglectful spouse try to reel you back in. <br />
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I'm sure you will do what is right for you. Stay strong.

You are absolutely right, she wants control. Kudos to you for changing the sc<x>ript and sticking to the reality-ba<x>sed version, hard as it is. <br />
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I'm so sorry this happened to you twice; you sound like a winner to me.