Might As Well Be "sexless"

I will begin by saying that my marriage isn't technically "sexless", however our sex drives are apparently somewhat mismatched (I want more frequent sex) so that is one problem...the other (even more frustrating) problem is that my husband suffers from premature *********** (from now on I will simply refer to it as PE). Generally, upon penetration he lasts under 1 minute. We have (always at my suggestion and persistence) tried various creams and sprays, none which have showed any significant improvement. Intercourse is very important to me, oral/manual stimulation or toys aren't an adequate substitute, although it's rare that any of those options are utilized anyway.

The whole PE thing really embarrasses him--after sex he will say "I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate myself" blah blah blah. For a long time I've tried to be understanding and supportive, because in my experience making a big deal about it just makes it worse. Now I am becoming very annoyed--angry even--that this problem is persisting. From my research both in reading and talking to other males about this issue, it seems as though it's a learned skill that requires time and practice to become good at. My husband is generally willing to take a pill or apply some cream, but anything more in depth than that I doubt he would stick with. He rarely even masturbates. I feel that it's incredibly selfish and akin to the 500lb psychological gorilla in the room. I wonder if I've been too nice about this? Should I just tell him to get his **** together and quit being a loser? It's difficult for me to even have sex with him anymore, continually getting worked up just to be let down all the time. I'm also offended that he hasn't put any more effort into fixing the problem, its always me trying to figure it out, when it's not technically my problem. I'm more than willing to act in a supportive role and do anything he needs me to do, but I can't fix it for him.

I'll just add--since I'm sure the topic of having an affair will come up--I don't know a single person right now who I want to sleep with. I'm a stay at home mom and rarely go out and meet people, so an appealing opportunity hasn't really presented itself. Truthfully, if such an opportunity did I would probably do it in a heartbeat. I have so much pent up sexual frustration I need to release. Sorry if that offends anyone. But at this point I am operating under the assumption that won't happen, since it hasn't thus far. What should I do? Thoughts?
C4283 C4283
26-30, F
6 Responses May 14, 2012

Thank you for your response Ring2Ring3...as far as the multiple ******* go, I would just like to have 1 and see how that goes..kind of a crawl before you walk thing with him lol. Manual and oral stimulation alone are not satisfying to me at all, I'm not a big fan of foreplay.. One minute of intercourse will never be enough to satisfy me...I can't imagine it being enough to satisfy anyone (man or woman). It's actually kind of sad to me that anyone would set the bar so low when there is so much out there to be done and discovered sexually. One would never be able to experiment with new techniques, positions, have any sort of fun in under a minute. That would make it almost pointless to even involve a partner, why not just get yourself off and make it simple? <br />
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I've done extensive research and the general consensus is that a man can teach himself to hold off on ******. Not necessarily for hours on end or anything, but certainly for an acceptable length of time. Repetitive, poor patterns are supposedly a big cause of PE. Obviously I don't have a penis so I can't personally speak to the validity of this, but I find it hard to believe that some men are just doomed to be miserable lovers and have no ability to improve themselves.<br />
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To be more specific, my question is really geared more towards how I should handle this...obviously it needs to be addressed, and as I said I've been relatively kind and reassuring about it in the past, i.e "It's not that big of a deal. It happens. I'll pick up some cream/spray/pills from the store tomorrow". Maybe it's time to step it up a bit and be a bit more firm? Not mean or degrading, but just say "Ok this is a problem and we need to figure this out. I'm not satisfied with the way things are right now". I would particularly like to hear from men on their opinions as to this approach, as I constantly read that the male ego is sensitive and this topic makes them embarrassed and uncomfortable. At the same time, a lot of things pertaining to sexuality are embarrassing and uncomfortable, so a part of me just thinks "You're an adult. Get over yourself and deal with it".

Why don't you just google 'Female ****** ipod'. Take a look at the links to downloadable books. OK, now you just need to plant the seed of an idea. Tell your H that your friends have been talking to you about how it's possible for you to have a couple dozen ******* in a row. Pump up the story to make it sound unbelievable.<br />
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Now let your H 'discover' the reality of how to give you multiple *******. Of course, you'll have to try it out. Now if he can satisfy you manually or orally multiple times, a one minute PE will leave you both satisfied.<br />
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BTW: I think you can forget trying to train your guy to hold off on ***********. This isn't like urinating, where some muscle control can start and stop things for you. Once the sexual flood gates start to open, there is really no turning back. The bigger issue is what happens after. Does he stay hard, and can be come again? If not, he may not be the one for you.

Thank you all for your responses...I will try to address them all individually as best as I can.<br />
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TheFullMoon-my hubby is 29 (I'm 28), we've been married for 2 years. We have tried getting him off some other way shortly before intercourse and it doesn't much change the length of time it takes him to finish the 2nd time around. I know it's supposed to but it doesn't for him. Idk why. I am able to have vaginal ******* and it doesn't take me hours or anything, 10-15 minutes of intercourse is fine. I have been with other men prior to him and I don't think that's unreasonable at all.<br />
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Frustrated1978-I have tried just about everything short of presc<x>ription meds. As far as the affair goes, yes he would be incredibly upset it's a big hang up of his. He has been cheated on many times in the past (I wonder why). If that ever happened I would have to be extremely careful, but like I said I don't see that being very likely in the near future, so right now I'm not focused much on the "what if's" of that situation.<br />
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Mvcmvc-I do love my husband. Unfortunately loving him doesn't do much to change the situation as it is. We have a young son together (14 months) and, among other reasons, that's a big part of why I don't want to divorce him. I wish that it could just be worked out somehow, I'm just at a loss of how to do that.<br />
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FOIA-I agree with you that good lovers are generally not born, they are made. At this point I have not criticized him about it or made him feel badly...from all I've read and seen, it says that this will make the problem worse. I've been incredibly nice, made suggestions, purchased items that were supposed to help and introduced them in a non threatening way. My hope was that he would feel loved and supported and genuinely want to make this better in order to have a better sex life, but so far it hasn't done a damn bit of good. My tone in the post was angry simply b/c the subject is making me really angry. Although it may not be his intent, it feels like direct disrespect and a slap in the face when your *husband* pretty much tells you that your own sexual experience and enjoyment isn't particularly important to him, not even important enough to do some research on his own or pick himself up some products or SOMETHING. Even if his efforts weren't successful, I would have hope at least knowing that he was trying.<br />
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He gets very defensive if I even bring it up, I don't think he would take kindly to me showing him links and stuff. That's the kind of stuff I would like to do. I've read that ************ can help a man learn better control when done correctly. Bringing himself nearly to climax then stopping, repeatedly. Also Kegel exercises can help from what I've read. I'm sure it just takes practice like anything else. I'm not expecting him to go for hours on end or anything crazy like that. I don't think I'm being unrealistic in what I want.<br />
As far as circumsion, he is circ'd. I don't believe it's "tight" or "high" as you said, although I can't say for sure. Thanks for your lengthy response--I very much appreciate the advice and thoughts!

Wow, two return the goods as not being of fit merchantable quality, one pre-toss it off as an aperitif to the main course. I am not sure I should suggest or say anything. Maybe take him to a vet and have him examined as suitable studding and if he fails to make the grade just have him put down?<br />
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Yep, I won't make any suggestions, just post some thoughts. Are studs born to it or made? If he was bull or a stallion I would say 'made' if for no other reason that it would be hell to get them to pay attention in the classroom. For men, I think it is all learnt response, that there is no instinct for it, unless some brave or foolish idiot wants to come along and brag about how he is a natural in the sack. Yeah! That's what YOU think.<br />
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The problem about learning a physical skill is that you need to do it in an environment which allows you to fail without critical or disastrous consequences. People who learn to fly commercial airliners don't get to do so with a plane full of paying customers. The potential consequences are just too much to contemplate. So, he goes into a session of sexual intercourse with you knowing that he can't afford to fail, not knowing how not to fail and subsequently does fail. Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophesy to me. He not only fails, he pre-ordains the failure.<br />
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Maybe if you don't want to cast him off as a lost cause you are going to have to put off expecting him to bring you to ****** by penetration until he has addressed the issue? Maybe you are both going to have to find interim solutions until he can properly address the issue? A lot of sex therapists and others involved in the field now consider it a complete waste of time and an exercise in masochism for men to try to get you women off by conventional vaginal penetration in any event. Ladies, they reckon your clitorises are just in the wrong place for that. Now, if that is God's work that is just a cruel tease. Or maybe it is just his way of making sure the guy hangs around for a bit longer? Who knows?<br />
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As a stay at home mum, you obviously have spent quite a lot of time reading up about it. What about him? Is he expecting that if he does it often enough he will magically hit on the solution by trial-and-error? It's about time you maybe posted him to links and sources of information about the subject, set him some homework to do, literally, and be prepared to set tests with marks out of ten, maybe not so literally. Videoing and playing it back like a sports coach is definitely out, I think. It is, broadly-speaking, an entirely practical approach to the issue. There is one "Oops, your pardon" to this. Is he GENUINELY concerned about firing off prematurely or is only PRETENDING to? Now, if he was up to that sort of caper that would have to be one of the naughtiest tricks to be playing at.<br />
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One last thing. You say he scarcely masturbates. Well, frequent ************, over YEARS, can lead to a degree of desensitisation, particularly if you are circumcised. A lot of circumcised men complain of desensitisation because their glans are subject to constant friction, not just during sex. Some even talk about callousing. However, all boys, teenagers, will remark about how their first ventures into ************ as being almost too sensitive, especially if they have NOT been circumcised. I sometimes wonder if that is why circumcision is popular in some cultures because there seems to be no substantial medical reason for it otherwise. I digress. (Cue the protests).<br />
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How familiar are you with his tackle? Is he circumcised? If he is, does he have what is sometimes referred to as a tight or high circumcision? That is a circumcision that has scarring that is so far down the penile shaft that there is relatively little movement in the skin of the penile shaft when it is pulled back on, at the root of the penis. There will also probably be exaggerated movement in the glans underwards towards the root of the penis with clearly far too much stretch in the frenulum if it has not been removed during circumcision. There may also be distortion of the corona and the meatus. Any of this could promote PE.<br />
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Apologies to those who may find this TMI.

Wow, a Boeing service manual.

LOL. Nah, I've seen photos of publications like Boeing service manuals. They seriously need to be turned into audio books. Maybe this should have been a picture book?
"And you think you have problems?"
http://www.circumstitions.com/Restric/Botched1sb.html

Have you tried giving him a hand job before intercourse. After that give him 10 minutes rest than go for it. I'm not sure of his age but if he is in a similiar age bracket to yourself he should have the stamina to go again.<br />
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If not you have some serious choices to make. <br />
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PS: Regarding the affair option i acknowledge your comment about not being in a position to meet someone at the moment but would probably jump at it. I would suggest if you ever did want to go down that road that you have an exit strategy and legal advice on how a divorce would pan out for you because in the long run hubby might find out and his reaction would be volcanic.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Hope my comment will be useful... You did not mention your husband's age and I assume it is similar to yours.... Also you did not say how long you have been married... From tone of your massage I would think not very long... At first I would not rush to label problems, at least yet... Being angry would not help either... Very often young and healthy males ********* very quickly simply because they are too aroused... Obvious solution in this situation to have another intercourse a bit later, next time he certainly will last longer... Condoms usually help to prolong time as well... Oral and manual stimulation usually not a substitute, but addition to love making.... IMHO if you just expect to get your ******* from only long penetration you will get a lot of dissapoinment in your life and from other men as well...

Yeah, I was past midlife crisis before I realized women don't ****** from vaginal coitus. Shoes, handbags, a smoothie, or a sinful icecream has a better chance any day/night!