I Dont Know Whats Wrong With Him

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVENT HAD SEX IN OVER 2 MONTHS.  THIS IS VERY VERY RARE.  IM STARTING TO THINK MAYBE HES NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ANYMORE.  HE SAYS HE IS BUT HE CANT TELL ME WHY HES NEVER IN THE MOOD, BUT I DONT BELIEVE HIM.  HES ALWAYS BEEN BIG ON CUDDLING ALL NIGHT.  LATELY HE BARELY COMES TO BED AND SAYS HE FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.  I THINK HES ONLY BEEN GIVING ME A KISS HELLO AND GOODBYE BECAUSE I INITIATE IT, THERES NO KIND OF PASSION OR FEELING BEHIND IT ANYMORE.  HE STILL TELLS ME IM THE ONLY ONE FOR HIM AND HE DOESNT WANT ANYONE ELSE BUT HE WONT TALK TO ME. EVERYTIME I BRING IT UP WE END UP ARGUING OR FIGHTING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.  DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW I CAN GET HIM TO TALK TO ME.
JESSPOWELL762010 JESSPOWELL762010
26-30
10 Responses May 15, 2012

You need to tell him that, whilst you know he does not want to talk about it, YOU do need to talk about it. All he needs to do is to listen. If he refuses, tell him it is OK not to do it now, but you WILL be talking to him about it - and it might be wise to set a specific time to do so.<br />
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When you talk to him, you need to be respectful, kind, calm and not critical. Hard to do? Yes! But absolutely essential if you are hoping to achieve an outcome. Expressing your frustration is one way to be SURE he won't cooperate!<br />
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Tell him first all the things you love and respect about him. Tell him that you are concerned that his lack of desire may be rooted in some medical problem or in depression. Tell him you "have been reading about depression" and it is very common to have this outcome. And that unemployment may well be the issue.<br />
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Ask him to please see a doctor and to be honest with the doctor about the issue - if it is linked to depression he may be reluctant to "admit" that, but encourage him to get the help he needs.<br />
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Expect him to be resentful, angry, refuse to answer questions, etc. DO NOT let that affect how you behave. Remember, you are doing this to try and save your marriage - NOT to blow off steam. <br />
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Keep the talk to about ten minutes - fifteen at the most. There is always the temptation to keep going and going and going - but resist this! It will only make him more resentful and more likely to shut you out.<br />
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It is unlikely he will say something like:<br />
"Gee, honey, I'm so glad you brought this up! I'll phone the doctor for an appointment right away!"<br />
So give him some time and space (say, a week) after the talk to see if he has done anything. If he has not done anything in that time, remind him. Avoid nagging. And don't say accusingly:<br />
"Why haven't you phoned the doctor?"<br />
Say something like:<br />
"Have you made an appointment?" (Answer: "No")<br />
"When will you phone to make it?"<br />
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It is important that YOU don't do the phoning - this is his issue and he needs to deal with it. If he won't (or can't) that tells you a lot about your chances for a recovery.<br />
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These are just the first steps. It will take time to "fix" this - and you need to have the courage, the grace and the compassion to take that time.<br />
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You also need to really LISTEN to him. Listen to the "sub text" of what he is saying - and recognise if your behaviour is contributing to the problem.<br />
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Every best wish in a positive outcome.

Let me say this. It is different for every man but having no job and you being the main bread winner can really affect a man's masculinity both mentally and physically. You would know better than i but it could be one of the two IMHO. He is either cheating or getting relief another way. Or #2 is he is depressed/stressed, and his masculinity is crushed. Alot of men can really go down hill when unemployed, they feel worthless. Hope you get the help you need!!

Your story reads of affair all over. I used to be all over my wife but when i got sick of her constantly refusing me i had an affair. <br />
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I displayed the same habbits your husband is now. Dig into this deeper. You don't have to stalk him but opening your eyes to the truth wont hurt. Be more mindful and aware of things he does.<br />
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I would suggest that you come home early from work one day. Dont tell him just do it. Maybe go to work for half the day or the first 2-3 hours than pull a sickie and come home. Dont leave this towards the end of the day as if he is doing anything he would of most likely cleared off any evidence a couple of hours before your due home.<br />
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If pulling a sickie is not possible than falsely tell him you are required to work on your day off. Than go have a coffee and supposedly come home early telling him your sick. <br />
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Either way his lack of sexual appetite towards your has a deeper cause.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck.

I have to agree with the others. Being suddenly unemployed can be a real shock to your confidence. A mild depression might set in as well. Until your H restores his confidence, I'd expect a sharp reduction in libido.<br />
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Be supportive. It's good that your shouldering the load, but he may view this situation as something to further erode his confidence. It's hard to be a "take charge" man of the house when your wife is both paying the bills and taking care of the kids.

just give him room. pull away from him and see if he doesnt move towards you. if not, maybe therapy?

The actual question you asked was: "How to get him talk about it" not whether anyone thought he was having an affair or for that matter that he was depressed about being unemployed. As far as the latter is concerned it is more than a distinct possibility. He could not only be depressed about it, he could be very anxious about it. You can also throw in possible loss of self-esteem, confidence, shame, guilt, oh, and the kitchen sink.<br />
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Imagine being unemployed yourself and experiencing these symptoms, reactions. How do you think it might affect your libido? How might it affect your ability to enjoy something that suddenly doesn't seem as important as before? How might it affect your ability to be happy when maybe you feel that you aren't entitled to be happy right now?<br />
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What is he like personality-wise? Is he a natural worrier? Is he a thinker? Does he over-analyse? Is he introspective? Is he avoiding getting into discussion with you about the joblessness and the sexlessness because the more he is brought to consciousness about it the more disturbing he finds thinking about it, never mind talking about it? Is he a "I don't want to talk about it!" sort of guy?<br />
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How do you get him to talk about it? That is a really, really difficult question to answer because the bottom line is that he may not be prepared to talk about it ever, even as you walk out the door. Some personality types can be that obstinate.<br />
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However, I would tentatively suggest the following on the basis that it MIGHT help. Firstly, if every time you try to bring it up for discussion he baits you into an argument about it or something else, you MUST resist the impulse to react as he wants you to. Try to find the resolve to remain calm, level-headed, determined and persistent. If you can do that he will have to realise that he simply can't put you off as easily as that. By doing that you also make it clear by inference that it is about him that you can't be dragged down to his level to join him in the mire. Concentrate on making it a joint problem-solving task rather than his fault or your complaint. Try to find a way of persuading him that it is an understandable but addressable issue and not something that is a personal failure. If you suspect that the unemployment is a key issue can you tell him that anyone can find themselves unemployed due to circumstances? Or is the state of unemployment his own doing? Can you help him raise his self-esteem about looking for another job, or seeking retraining or further education? What about voluntary work? You need to approach the issue as calmly and constructively as possible if you are to have ANY hope of successfully addressing the issue. "<u><i>Bring me not problems but solutions</i></u>" - apocryphal saying.

Your caps lock key is stuck. Welcome to the internet.

LOL..ITS NOT STUCK IM AT WORK AND ALL MY WORK HAS TO BE IN CAPS

You know... this is the kind of typing which should be done from home.... just sayin'.

Yep, I'm guessing that he's depressed about his unemployment. It really takes a toll. He may feel less 'manly' at least with you. Sort this out now..if you're only on a two month drought a heart-to-heart and some shared understanding may be what you need.

It starts from sleeping on the couch and having an affair with TV !<br />
It does not have to be another lady ...TV ,PC , GAMES ...!

Is he depressed, stressed? I look forward to reading the replies,someone usually has a bit of wisdom.

HE COULD BE BUT I DONT SEE IT AFFECTING HIS SEX DRIVE LIKE THAT. IF ANYTHING I SHOULD BE STRESSED OUT. I WORK, I PAY THE BILLS, I TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. ALL HE REALLY HAS TO DO IS MAKE SURE THE HOUSE IS CLEAN. OTHER THAN THAT HE DOES AND GETS WHATEVER HE WANTS

Maybe he's picking up on the fact that you think he's worthless and does nothing contributory to the relationship. It's funny how most people jump to the conclusion that your guy is cheating. None of them offered you up as a possible reason for his sudden change in demeanor. Seriously, he may be having an affair, but why is that the automatic go-to answer? It's only been two months. Something else may be going on. By the way, people on the internet have all the answers to all the world's problems. It's a nice display of intelligence and reason to ask citizens of the ether for advice on your relationship. Good luck, Jess.