Hoping To Learn The Way BackHusband has his first session with the therapist tomorrow night. He has surprised me by following through with something that requires decision making. That's a hopeful sign.
We've had a couple of LONG heart-to-heart talks since I last wrote here. He is so open and willing to admit his failings, and the places where he is stuck. He is ashamed of some of his behaviors from our past. Even when I point out that I have had my own glaring imperfections in our life together, he says that everyone has flaws-- but that his reactions were wrong and destructive. And thinking over all this, I know he's right.
He wants to change his behavior patterns so we can have a healthier marriage. He says his goal is to be 100% brutally honest with the therapist, and try to avoid defensive bullshitting as much as possible, right from the start. He knows he can't be perfect, but that's his goal. Neither of us knows how to overcome this difficulty and build trust and intimacy again. We both want to repair our connection, but we are clueless about how to get from point A to point B. We are hoping the therapist can help us find our way.
We have talked about the possibility of divorce, but it's like this terribly painful specter, lurking as a threat in the distance. Neither of us wants to divorce. The idea of losing each other, hurting each other, wounding our son, and damaging our families... it is just too much to take. Our whole future, our dreams of living out the life we've planned together... we don't want to throw those away.
However, he points out that millions of women, over all the long generations of humanity, have stifled themselves and put aside their own happiness, to stay in unfulfilling marriages and raise their children.... and he doesn't want me to be another one of those. He does not want me to endure another 10 years of feeling tortured, if we can't manage to fix our problems after all. He promises that he will never be vindictive or difficult, if we are forced to go through divorce. He says he will make sure I don't have to struggle for money, and he'll do all he can to make the transition as smooth as possible. (He also adds that he does NOT want to divorce; but he thinks it's important to be clear that we will be forced to split if we can't both be happy in our marriage.)
We've also talked about the many positives in our marriage. And there are SO many. All the things we would miss about our life together.
It just CAN'T be impossible to fix this. Not when we love each other so much... not while we both feel determined to build a healthier dynamic between us... no matter how much uncomfortable change we may each have to make.
Please wish us luck or any other beneficial force of the universe you can think of!!!!!
LovelyAlone 36-40, F 8 Responses 0 May 15, 2012