Hoping To Learn The Way Back

Husband has his first session with the therapist tomorrow night. He has surprised me by following through with something that requires decision making. That's a hopeful sign.

We've had a couple of LONG heart-to-heart talks since I last wrote here. He is so open and willing to admit his failings, and the places where he is stuck. He is ashamed of some of his behaviors from our past. Even when I point out that I have had my own glaring imperfections in our life together, he says that everyone has flaws-- but that his reactions were wrong and destructive. And thinking over all this, I know he's right.

He wants to change his behavior patterns so we can have a healthier marriage. He says his goal is to be 100% brutally honest with the therapist, and try to avoid defensive bullshitting as much as possible, right from the start. He knows he can't be perfect, but that's his goal. Neither of us knows how to overcome this difficulty and build trust and intimacy again. We both want to repair our connection, but we are clueless about how to get from point A to point B. We are hoping the therapist can help us find our way.

We have talked about the possibility of divorce, but it's like this terribly painful specter, lurking as a threat in the distance. Neither of us wants to divorce. The idea of losing each other, hurting each other, wounding our son, and damaging our families... it is just too much to take. Our whole future, our dreams of living out the life we've planned together... we don't want to throw those away.

However, he points out that millions of women, over all the long generations of humanity, have stifled themselves and put aside their own happiness, to stay in unfulfilling marriages and raise their children.... and he doesn't want me to be another one of those. He does not want me to endure another 10 years of feeling tortured, if we can't manage to fix our problems after all. He promises that he will never be vindictive or difficult, if we are forced to go through divorce. He says he will make sure I don't have to struggle for money, and he'll do all he can to make the transition as smooth as possible. (He also adds that he does NOT want to divorce; but he thinks it's important to be clear that we will be forced to split if we can't both be happy in our marriage.)

We've also talked about the many positives in our marriage. And there are SO many. All the things we would miss about our life together.

It just CAN'T be impossible to fix this. Not when we love each other so much... not while we both feel determined to build a healthier dynamic between us... no matter how much uncomfortable change we may each have to make.

Please wish us luck or any other beneficial force of the universe you can think of!!!!!
LovelyAlone LovelyAlone
36-40, F
8 Responses May 15, 2012

If this dude id as classy as you have been saying, he WILL<br />
(a) embrace any and all means to engage you on a meaningful basis<br />
(b) let you go if his best efforts simply cannot produce the desired outcome<br />
<br />
So, you are going to see if he IS a classy guy, or not.<br />
<br />
That's good, because the truth will out. For both of you.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

This sounds hopeful, because you BOTH acknowledge problems and seem BOTH willing to work on change. <br />
Bless you, I wish you the best.

Certainly wishing you the best and hoping your counselor is good and you can both relate to her.

All you both can do is to give it a full and honest try, nothing more, nothing less. Beyond that it may be that fate is just determined to play it's hand.

Perhaps you could put aside the outcome of all of this, and what would constitute success. You don't have to make that call right now, if both are willing to be honest - as he seems to be, then it will fall out of the process.<br />
<br />
If you have similar experiences to me, the biggest issue for you will be trust and being as open and vulnerable as you will need to be. That takes generosity and a great heart - not that I'm saying I did - I was desperate!

Hello<br />
<br />
You are in a similar kind of place to me at the moment. I've managed to hurt my hsuband by having a quite short but intense extra-marital relationship which from my side was really just about sex, as I don't think I'd realised quite how frustrated I'd become and it all really exploded. But I have been honest and so has he and I am hoping that we can find a way forward - like you, I do love my husband and we have built up so much together over the years. We have talkend about divorce but neither of us wants it, there are so many good things in our life together. He has admitted that he has neglected my feelings and forgotten how to be in touch with me. He works away during the week but is now making so much more effort - managing to get back mid-week and an email saying how when away he woke up in the morning and I wasn't lying next to him and how much he missed me. I also don't feel that it is hopeless if both of us are ready to work at it and there aren't simply excuses being presented as a substitute for action. Our last two weekends have been difficult and full of soul-searching, anxiety and some anger, but we have been getting some of the intimacy back. I am hoping and keeping my fingers crossed that you can both make it work.

I don't think it is hopeless as long as both partners are willing to work together, love each other and care for each others' needs.

It is hopeless in my case.

Please read intimacy and desire by David schnarch (awakening the passion in your relationship). Very few therapists are trained in dealing skillfully with this issue. Sex therapy and couples therapy as adjunct therapy also might help. This is an incredibly challenging issue to address, you need support

Thank you, rosedl, I'll have to check out that book. Luckily, the therapist is also a certified sex therapist and she often works with couples. I'm hoping her expertise can help.

Good luck. My ex and I tried and couldn't make it work, but it wasn't just the sex piece. Big betrayal, addiction issues, and a bunch of other stuff factored in. Stay honest