Now What..... He Left Me.

Here is a update from my last story. After confronting my husband with our intimate problems.... remember he said that he loves me but not in that way! We went to a therapist and than we worked activly on every part of the relationship that irritated him ..... For 3 mos I did everything to make my marriage work. He told me that everything was working out fine now and that all his irritation is gone. He thinks that I have done a great job but he cannot bring himself to be intimate with me..... and that he has learned a great deal about himself these three months. That he can't live with me as a friend and that he cannot be happy with me. And he says that I don't understand it now because I am hurt but I will one day and see what he sees!!! My world has collasped. I feel i have failed my marriage, my kids. Done things that probabaly pushed him away from me.....I don't know. It hurts so much. ..... I have waited for him to "see" me for så many years and I confront him this is the result. He has become so cold suddenly and talks to me as if I am just a person he knows. Please any advice, supporting words would be nice. How shall I carry on and why can't I seem to let him go. I just want to hate him!
Moontop Moontop
36-40, F
9 Responses May 15, 2012

It is not your failure that he couldn't come to the table to make the marriage work. It takes two people to make a relationship. It is impossible to fix someone else or change them into what you want them to be. This is a blessing in disguise, and a chance for you to work on gaining strength in your own self instead of bending over backward to appease someone who doesn't want to be with you. It sucks, but now you are free from something that won't work. Hell, sex is now an option!

What are you actually doing to move this to resolvement ?<br />
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Whatever that is, then I support that.<br />
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If you ain't actually doing something though, then there's nothing to support.<br />
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Tread your own path.

"Please any advice, supporting words would be nice. How shall I carry on and why can't I seem to let him go. I just want to hate him!"<br />
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I am so sorry that your marriage reached this place. You do need to let him go, because it's over. Hate is optional, but probably not helpful in the long run. Take a break, or at least take a few deep breaths. Continue to be a good mother, and a good co-parent. Continue talking to your therapist. You will likely find that friends and family are supportive, indeed will go out of their way to be supportive. <br />
Get legal advice!

When the dust settles, it may become clear to you that you are extremely fortunate to reach this point today than to continue suffering with him and then reach it ten years from now. Let yourself grieve and be angry, but at the same time take a page out of Bazz's book and focus on your next steps - the exit plan. If he actually moves out that will be easier for you. Your new life is just beginning and it can be anything you choose to make it.

He's done you the biggest favor by being honest with you. You know exactly where you stand. As others have said, get some individual counseling to help you through this process. <br />
Two years ago, I heard the same thing from my X. It hurts. But it gets you moving towards someone who appreciates you.

Are you happier now?

Oh yes! Leaving the misery of the marriage was a relief in itself. The rest is just icing.

There is nothing anyone can say that would not seem trite, fatuous. That sort of pain, anguish is something you have to travel with alone. Others who have been through it may tell you how you might get through it but your experience will be your own. Hard though it must be to see it at the moment, this does not have to be a disaster, the end. It could be a renewal, a restart, an opportunity, a lesson learned (hopefully). All you can do is surround yourself with people you trust, who can see that there but for the grace of you know who go I, and so on. It truly can be not you, or him, but just the circumstances. When the time comes and you truly feel ready you can conduct your post-mortem in an honest way, either by yourself or with assistance. It may truly be worth it. At the moment it sounds as if all you can do is to get through today and tomorrow as best as you can and look forward to gradually less grief in your soul as time passes.<br />
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I read a story recently about a guy who was sentenced to life in jail because when his partner decided she had enough of him and his abusive ways he not only beat her to a pulp he gratuitously gouged out both her eyes for good measure. Now, THAT sort of guy you would not only be entitled to hate but would be expected to hate. Yet, despite all his faults and short-comings your departed partner is not like him. On that basis you will not hate him and it is probably better longer term for you not to hate him.

Ouch. I'm sorry. That is sad that he has disconnected. If you both have expressed yourselves truthfully it may be time for choices.<br />
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Love yourself first. You cannot depend on another for happiness. Definitely continue with individual therapy.

You sound like the way I was 2 years ago --- except that you sound a lot more sane! <br />
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Read my story: The Game Is Over <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/2118798" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a> <br />
There is nothing you did wrong. Your husband deciding to leave now actually makes sense. <br />
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Call a divorce lawyer before the end of the day.

Supporting words in plenty - I think in time you will come to see this as a good or great result. That he has begun the process of improving himself, and giving you the opportunity to do the same, even if that means you will not be together. You love and care for him, and want the best for him. Perhaps you cannot help him with what he needs - only he will know, the point is, you made the offer.<br />
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There's an aspect of this that will hurt of course, that you were trying, but didn't have the choice at the end. Understanding why is most often experienced in the rear-view mirror as Bazz says.