Basic Compatibility

I agree with VB that the sex people belong with the sex people.  But I also feel like in my marriage what was missing was greater than sex.  The connection people belong with the connection people.

There was a time when we had lots of sex.  Sometime ago he wanted as much sex as I did and it was not boring or awful either.  But he never wanted the connection and the deeper awareness of two people being in relationship together with that metaphorical golden cord that connects two people in an emotionally, spiritually and physical way called a relationship.  He didn’t mind actual ropes in our relationship, but he did mind the emotional kind ironically.  So while we had physically satisfying sex in our relationship I always had to fight to feel close to him and it really seemed to make him squirm when I did.  That left me feeling like my needs were really very wrong to have.  Or if I realized that other people needed connection too then I thought there must be something wrong with me that he didn’t want connection with me like I wanted it with him. 
There was plenty wrong with him.  And yet I still wanted to be deeply connected to him.  I wanted to understand him, revel in who he was, see him for all the strengths and flaws and celebrate both as well as the way our unique strengths and flaws came together to make “us”.  No matter how hard I tried I could not make that happen.  I could not make it happen alone.
My biggest mistake was not staying too long, although I did stay too long.  It was not becoming a doormat, although I did become one.  It was not accepting his excuses and BS, although I did accept it.  It was simply choosing someone who did not naturally feel the same amount of comfort, desire and need I did with being close, touching and being intimate emotionally, physically and united as a couple.  It scared the crap out of him.  When I started going there he reacted so harshly that I felt like I’d been spun around in a revolving door on high speed.  Every time I’d pass by him I would reach out to grab hold and he would push it faster to make the scary request for closeness go away.  He would push me away every time I wanted him close.  Because I chose wrong.  Not because what I wanted was wrong.
Changewilldoyougood Changewilldoyougood
31-35, F
16 Responses May 15, 2012

unleash your thoughts with a pen. the most important thing for you is to find an emotional partner taking care of you as friend.

Personally I think if you do have that loving emotional connection in a relationship than the sex feels different than a "One night stand'' kinda thing. Some people are actually afraid to commit to a relationship. I'm sorry about your relationship sounding kind of one side though. However I can't label sex people and emotional people. I'm very emotional and well I enjoy sex alot with my husband. I guess maybe I am a rare breed maybe????

I think some people just don't want, or can't handle, that kind of intimacy. I choose wrong too. Twice. I think a lot of people do because we choose for the wrong reasons, or think just because we feel a certain way that the feeling is mutual. Some just don't feel things as deeply as others, and I believe those that don't are ok with that.

that is so true! the right choice makes such a difference, and neither one of you is wrong in your desires, you simply desire different things.

You know...I used VB's line on my H the other day, and his resonse was, "I consider myself a sex person." He could have sex with himself and liked it so I guess he is a sex person. Then my thought was "that may be true but not with me." <br />
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So you couldn't be more right Change. We are just incompatible sexually an in other ways too. Our connection just doesn't connect at all levels and does connect at some. It's as though there's a short circuit and yet still a reasonably solid frequency. <br />
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The bottom line is I want to connect in a way he can't/won't/doesn't. So, he's not bad and neither am I. We just don't fit. And I'm too young to give up on what I want. <br />
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You perspective is so valuable. Thanks for this. I rated it UP!

"He would push me away every time I wanted him close. Because I chose wrong. Not because what I wanted was wrong."<br />
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Um ... may I point out, that he chose wrong too? <br />
I don't mean that as a criticism, just that neither of you was the right "one" for the other.

Oh yes. That would never occur to me to write though because none of these thoughts would occur to him at all. If that makes sense. Besides this is about ME getting to choose again. ;)

I know what you mean having lived it for 26 years. When I told him for the umpteenth time "I'm not happy here, I have lupus and cannot live in Phoenix, I want to go home to Colorado where my kids are." he replied "I don't understand you." <br />
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Every time I repeated what I'd said using different words he just said "I don't understand you." This is the same guy who, when he discovered me sobbing over a phone call confirming my son's complete and irrevocable blindness, just looked at me and walked out the door. <br />
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It's about five years later, I'm living in Colorado with my soul mate. Never believed in soul mates, but when I had my first ****** in life it occurred to me that they might indeed be real.<br />
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It's an amazing thing to be so loved and understood, to find that there is almost nothing I could say or do that would faze him or make him think poorly of me. He has a week off at a time during which we're pretty inseparable - I babysat his infant nephew a few days ago and he came over with lunch because he missed me.

very good posting. <br />
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The old wisdom comes to mind, about the importance of having compatible personalities in a relationship. I'm fighting this issue myself, as we are trying to "build" a relationship with my wife. I'm a bit sceptical, after 36 years, because character does not change at will. <br />
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On the other hand, a person's character can and does change, most often influenced by loved ones. But this cannot be forced. rather, it just happens.

I think you summed up the problem amazingly with "I could not make it happen alone."<br />
Good luck in the next part of your journey.

Yes, yes, yes! Brilliant thinking! You're going to be just fine, as are we all. Rated up.

I am so happy for both of us that we can move on and find our sex and communication men :-) Like yours, my stbx was unable to communicate. That was our true downfall. That the sex was sporadic and terrible was a complicated byproduct.<br />
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In retrospect (jumping the gun a bit, ain't I?), we were so young when we met. The emotional and physical precendents that were set back then were so shaky. I wish I would've had the balls to move on or move out decades ago.

Hey Peaches, you aren't giving him credit. Yours communicated everything you needed to know through Outlook Invites. :)

HA! What lady wouldn't be turned on by that, right?????

Who needs jewelry, roses or poetry when you can hit 'reply all'? I mean, how much more efficient can you get?

Experience, even bad experience, has given you a vision of what 'it' looks like. That has to be invaluable to you. He has a phobia and if you are as generous as you seem to be you can afford yourself the luxury of feeling sorry for him.<br />
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It MAY be that he will eventually mature into a more relaxed state of mind just about when the first practical signs of ED raise their ugly head. Or he could just drop dead tomorrow, never knowing any different.<br />
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Such is life sometimes.

ED reared its ugly head (or failed to, ironically, raise anything) about three years ago already. The pretty good sex I refer to was years before that. For him it was the idea of having kids that triggered the sudden ED. Considering he was always the one who wanted kids - or at least the idea of kids - more than me, I found it a bit of a shock. But now I am back in the world of examining my options and realizing a lot of this as I heal. Thanks for your thoughts.

One man's up is another's down, I guess.

SHORT VERSION: Love makes married people want to have sex.

I also believe that loving couples eat, ****, **** and bathe together too.


Okay, we can keep the bodily functions separate, Saint. I'll eat and bathe with you though. Let's get a giant tub and put bubbles in it....

i can relate.... my spouse acts like im going to hit him when i pat his shoulder or face, acts like scared puppy... <br />
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many times he kicks his feet back under neath him when i walk by, god for bid i get to close... <br />
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i told him to stop ******* his feet back like that when i walk by, im going to trip over you ( more so if i have hot coffee iv told him ).... <br />
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he has been known to cling to the wall as we walk down the hall passing each other,<br />
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or how he sleeps at the edge of the bed,wraped, mummyfied with the sheets .... <br />
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so stupid.... he acts like im going to give him cootes... maybe i should lol

For me it was the physical and the emotional. Example: "Hey, what did you think about xyz thing that happened when we were at my brother's house?" "I don't know. Hey look - there's a squirrel over there!!" Seriously. Actually happened.

my refuser contradicts me often.... and at times with a superior look on his face....

We had a frog.

In my days, I have wanted plenty of both sex and "the other stuff", just rarely at the same time ;-) Now I can manage without either.

Well, I think sex is a shorthand for an immense range of things that people are seeking. There is an attitudinal thing about it though which gives substance to the "sex people" label - a bit like the big 5 personality traits.<br />
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Be kind to yourself about your choices. Our lives are immensely complex where it matters because they involve other people who are unknowable. And in any case, you are taking responsibility for your calls in other areas, so well done.

Actually hl42, I find it a relief that I chose wrong. That means my needs are not only quite acceptable to the right person but may in fact be exactly what someone else is looking for too. And that proves hope right for me. :)

If you know what you want, and have seasoned experience now, you have a good chance of finding it - go to it!