Married Only 4 Months.....

Hey....so my wife and I met and got married quickly. In a matter of months, to be exact, and we didnt have sex until we got married. We both agreed this was what we wanted. It was difficult for the few months that we dated, you could tell we both wanted the other, pretty badly :) It was great, and I felt assured that once we were married my wife would want me and be attracted to me, and we would be intimate, well, often. Well its been once a week if Im lucky......My wife WAS on the Depo shot, and claimed alot of her disinterest was based on a lowered libido, due to the shot. This along with 6 classes in college and undisciplined girls, 3 to be exact. Now my wife is on the pill, for about a week now. We had sex the other night and i was done before she was, which made her mad. Obviously. This is not always the case, 99% of the time she is asking me to finish, or trying to coux me :) So.....as you can imagine, I am the one who has a strong libido and would like to have sex at least once a day.....and I honestly dont think I am asking too much. I help clean the house, well I typically clean most of the home. I do the dishes and I am home and help the 3 girls with their homework during the week.. I work part time in the national guard, and my wife and I are full time students.

My wife claims she was mean to her youngest daughter, alot of yelling and screaming at her with stress from being a young parent. With that said, NOW my wife believes she owes her now, 4 yr old daughter, and goes about life by spoiling her and giving her almost everything the little girl wants. Abby, the 4 yr old, cries all the time to get her mom to give her what she wants....and she gets it, each and every time. Abby has her mother wrapped around her finger. When abby wants to watch a movie when she gets home from school, she is allowed to, or she is allowed to leave and go to the next door neighbors and watch one. She has no creativity in her life, she doesnt paint, color, play with dolls, nothing....all she ever wants is to watch t.v. shows, or a movie. And if someone says no, either myself or my wife, she will cry and whine until she gets her way. And on the rare occasion my wife doesnt give in, abby will cry all night if she has too, or until she cries herself to sleep.

Aubrey 6, is the angel, she is very close to the perfect child.......Amaya 8, she is very bossy, and also likes to cry and whine to get her way.

All in all the girls have no discipline, they disrespect their mother left and right. They walk around this house and truly believe they are entitled to everything. They want Chocolate milk, and they dont get it, they cry and whine.....well except Aubrey.

I say all this because these are the issues at hand.

I used to be a cheater, and after my last divorce I told myself I would dedicate my life to my wife and be the bigger man. I would love honor and cherish her, even in this type of situation. And I am doing great, I truly love my wife, I adore her and I want to do right by her. If I ever had any inclination of cheating on her, I would simply divorce her, because I wouldnt let that come into our lives.

I am lost here, I am about 220 lbs, 5'11", I could lose some weight...and get down to 190.....but my wife assures me that she loves me and finds me very attractive. I am 37 and she is 27.
justwantlove37 justwantlove37
36-40, M
8 Responses May 15, 2012

Through haste, you have found yourself in an untenable situation. But, as my dear grandmotherr would have said "No use crying over spilt milk"! You cannot go backwards and undo the hasty decisions that brought you to this place - so now you need to plan for what to do next.<br />
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Excellent advice in many of the posts IMO, altho' you may not want to choose "divorce" as your first option.<br />
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I suggest you have a long serious talk with your wife - without being critical, accusing or demanding - in which you lay your cards honestly on the table. Explain that you are not happy with how things are and that a solution is needed that will be acceptable to both of you.<br />
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YOU need to realise that daily sex in your situation is probably unlikely given the other responsibilities your wife has. Such a requesrt would almost certainly be unacceptable to her. But bi-weekly for example should not be too much to expect . . . . COMPROMISE is needed from both of you.<br />
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As Genguy has said - you both URGENTLY need to attend parenting classes. Your step children sound unruly and out of control, but I suspect they are basically nice kids who are not managed well. And your recent introduction into their lives after such a short period of time will certainly be making many behaviours WORSE.<br />
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And Gealach has an excellent recommendation too - marriage and family counselling. ALL of you could benefit greatly from this if you take part whole heartedly and with the genuine desire to make it work. Hopefully your wife will realise that these steps are necessary if your marriage AND your family are to work out as a happy unit.<br />
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If she refuses to cooperate with you in such measures, you truly are left with no other chioice than "divorce". If so, do it swiftly and SOON, for everyone's sake.

I always thought that not having sex before marriage is a very bad idea... Though some people have their own opinion, mainly religious,good luck to them... But not having sex in your situation seems pretty crazy to me... You are grown up man, she is mother of 3... Rushed into marriage barely known to each other... There is the logic here? Get out! It will be worse...

I agree! She is obviously not a virgin! At your age, I doubt you are either. WHAT was the motivatiion for "no sex before marriage"? Was it HER idea, and you agreed??

I truely believe the problem can be summed up in the first couple of sentences. "Hey....so my wife and I met and got married quickly. In a matter of months, to be exact, and we didnt have sex until we got married.<br />
In my opinion and experience you cannot know someone truely, inside and out before living with them for some time and there is no way, as a happily single parent (with two impecably behaved children may I add) I would consider ever bringing someone new into their lives so abruptly and quickly. <br />
I have to agree with everyones comments so far about how she was desperate to not be a single parent anymore but no-one has mention the disruption and confusion that must be affecting three very young children whos lives have just been turned upside down and from what you have written so far it doesn't seem as if she had a handle on the situation from the before you came into their lives anyway.<br />
I think you would both benefit from couples and family councelling.<br />
The problems you are facing now are things that should have been talked about and talked through long before you both co-habited far less became married. I know, hindsight is a wonderful thing.<br />
Good luck, and I hope you can find a solution that is as damage free as possible for those three innocent girls as it does not appear to be high on the list of priorities for their mother.

I agree 100% with this comment.

I'll bet you were THE answer to her prayers. Finding a good sexual partner was probably lower on her list of important qualities. She's found a good deal, and will likely be happy with the status quo.<br />
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You know, if previous patterns hold true, this is the best sex you'll ever have with her. There's probably a five percent chance that things get a bit better, and a ninety five percent chance that you'll look back one day and think that the once-a-week sex was pretty good compared to what things have become.<br />
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Now is the time to establish what you expect. Don't settle. If you need sex more that once a week, either work hard to establish a good pattern, or get ready to make the tough call. Remember, life is short. You don't want to end up like the the rest of us who have wasted years and years of our lives.<br />
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Take care.

You are being taken for a ride. Judging by your story you have now become dad, maid, cook, etc. <br />
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You have saved her from a life of single parent hood with 3 ill behaved children. Being a single parent is hard enough without being a single parent to 3 spoilt brats. You have now come along and fullfilled the job vacanices that were available, those are dad, cook, housemaid, and general servant. <br />
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And your payment in return for the above services, the randomly, rushed obligatory sex, onece in a blue moon.<br />
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I suggest you have a good long think about your position here and how you really fit in.<br />
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You have some tough choices to make.<br />
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Stay Strong & Goodluck

Your story is full of red flags, including your view of "true love." I had to re-read the part about her having three children, no wonder she wanted to seal the deal ASAP. Also, whenever I hear about people getting married before determining whether or not they are sexually compatible or even like each other sexually, I get worried as well - this is like those little lottery scratch-off cards, maybe you win the $50,000 or maybe you don't. You just signed onto the biggest mess IMO, the children and the mother. Good luck!

Get a divorce now.

I've never thought of it that way. I just assumed that she truly loved me and that she truly wanted to marry me for all the RIGHT reasons.....????

Nope! Sucker! You are wrong on that one! I know how you feel!!