Very Off And On, Mostly Off

So my story begins a few years ago. Before we married we had sex weekly. It never let up or slacked off until we got engaged. We Got married 6 months later dated for 2 years first. So Wedding night no sex, honeymoon no sex. Since then the sex has been lackluster to put it nicely meaning she lays there. Its usually every 3-4 months apart and thats bc i pitch a fit. But when we dated sex was good, she would try stuff, positions, oral etc. Now she lays on her back and thats it. I cant get her to please me for nothing, much less anything else. Now i have approached her on our situation and her only excuse is I hurt her. Now that was never a problem prior to but nonetheless i have tried to ask for help, encourage her to see a doc but nothing. So here i sit after 4 years of marriage and im thinking that i am getting older and life is too short not to have fun. I have been faithful but i have two women at work beating my door down. About every 6-7 months we have the fallout convo's where i tell her that if it isnt getting any better than im gonna have to make a move. So about 4 months ago we had our talk, i told her im at the end of my ropes with this one. I have some fetishes she knows about and wont help with, i understand that no problem there, but were back to the same routine of no sex in months. ive laid my heart out there and laid my feeling out. I said that i want to be wanted, i want her to make the move instead of me feeling like im forcing her. we lay there not touching. So now where do i turn???I am so stuck and so scared. One child 2 years old and i hate to loose that family bond
fordie65 fordie65
26-30, M
6 Responses May 16, 2012

To me the biggest red flag is the fact she won't go to counselling. It's impossible to guess if your sexual interests are what is in the way at this point. But since divorse at this point seems inevitable, I would definitly talk to an attorney before it is too late. Maybe that will be enough to get her to a counselor. I hope things work out for you.

I second baz and perrushka.You have tastes that are a bit out there. If you really want a guy, and to live a swinger lifestyle...<br />
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Well, then being married is going to be hard to do. <br />
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This is one where I am very curious to hear her side. You mention "you have some fetishes" like it is no big deal. You being bisexual is a major threat to a married woman. You know how many women show up here and say "he won't have sex with me, he might be gay?" Alot of them. A bisex dude is a major risk. Especially if you are not getting laid at home. <br />
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For example...I hooked up with a random girl a few months back. Afterward, she's telling me that she has random hookups often. I was immediately nervous, and I went (after some time had passed) to go get tested. I go to a place that does an HIV test. Thank god it came back negative, and I think maybe I over reacted...but hey, when you've only been with 2 women before (and 0 men), you are a little jumpy about such things. I don't sleep around because it is dangerous to health, and (to me) emotional health). <br />
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Anyway, they asked if I used protection, etc...Of course I did, I didn't know this girl. But you know what they asked and named as the highest risk factor? Having sex with other men. That is the highest risk category there is. This is not some anti-gay propaganda. This is from the people that crunch the numbers. Now, Imagine your wife, who may know about these desires of yours...suddenly there is an element of risk that you may not have considered. <br />
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So, I still empathize with you, but, as you proceed, I would be very careful about passing judgement on your wife about this. The story isn't, 'she won't have sex with me I don't know why." The story is "We were not a good match sexually"

48 groups you are in, nearly all sex related.<br />
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Were you upfront with her about your interests and orientation PRE the marriage ?<br />
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If you weren't, then maybe she figures she got sold a bill of goods, and SHE might be looking for the exit.<br />
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So either way, divorce looks to be a very probable outcome, either by your instigation, or hers.<br />
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Go see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out. <br />
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Tread your own path.

Hmmmm. Reminds me of a friend who thought her husbands **** addiction would end once they were married. So she tolerated it up until the wedding. They're divorced now....

I browsed your profile and I think you already know this marriage is going nowhere. Your own desires have little to do with regular married sex, and so (maybe) your wife senses that sex with her is not your first choice. <br />
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Or maybe she has duped you as others suggest. The fact remains that neither of you is happy in this marriage IMO. Your wife may be content to live a virtually sexless life, but you certainly are not. <br />
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Time now to work out how you can be great co-parents to your little one, and leave each other free to find the sexual ex<x>pression you desire. I would encourage you to think hard about re-marriage also. Many women will find your preferences alienating - which would not augur well for future marital happiness.<br />
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Accept who you are and enjoy that.

in my defense my sexual desires and fantasies were never an issue until our sex life stopped. Now i understand the fantasies are still there but they weren't on the forefront and i joined EP bc of the lack of sex. Not to hide from it. I haven't told her all of my secrets to that extent so i dont think she is scared of me, i honestly believe she has a low sex drive or doesnt find me sexy and isnt in love like i am of her.

If it is exactly as you describe it, it simply seems you have been duped and used. I suggest that you put it to her in straight-forward, no-nonsense language without losing the rag, e.g." I feel and believe that I have been used."