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Not Welcome?

I felt like I found a home when I found a group of people who were also in sexless marriages. I thought it was like a support group and I could share my stories, issues and experiences. I made the choice to stay in the marriage that I have but to find a sex partner. If I do not belong in this group because I am not seeking a divorce let me know. I certainly did not mean to intrude and I have no answers for anyone but myself, I just wanted to connect with others like me.
gottaloveclassicmovies gottaloveclassicmovies 46-50, F 14 Responses May 17, 2012

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You've said a couple of times two people have asked what you are doing here. I have a slightly different take.<br />
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I wonder if they didn't mean "What are you doing here?" like you should go away, but more directly like "What do you hope to get out of being here? What are you wanting here?" <br />
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In other words, can you clarify your purpose here instead of we don't want you here. I certainly think you are welcome here but I think we all have to clarify why we are here sometimes. Hope this helps.

Exactly!!

I understand what you are saying and it makes a difference in how you see it .
I am here because I live in a sexless marriage and want to connect with others who live in sexless marriages and understand. Here is am example of when I was asked this question:
" If you are going elsewhere to satisfy your sexual needs then you are for all intents and purposes in an open marriage that has never been consummated. Much like a gay man that marries a woman for cover then allows her to run free. If that's working for you then I don't see any issue but why are you here?"
Another one was :
" You enjoy your life with your husband. You don't want to leave him. You have a sex partner and you are satisfied. And yet, here you are, looking for support. Why? That is the real question here."

I took those to mean that if I already know what I want than what am I doing here, that I do not need further support .
I can see where it would also mean "What do you hope to get out of being here? What are you wanting here?"

GotttaLove - I'm grateful you opened this subject, and I'm grateful to the respondents, especially my old friend Enna30. For a while, I was discouraged to join this group, because I sensed a prevailing negativity towards the spouses. I'm still not thinking about my wife as "the refuser". They are people too. they need understanding, even if the outcome will bring the end of marriage.. As about sex, I'm finding it difficult to imagine it with her, despite the fact that she looks better than ever. So, this weekend, I have only one complaint about the wife - she surrounds me with so much attention that I don't have time to be on EP -:)

It seems to me that your situation is confusing for some of us - me included. You do not want to get divorced. You have a sex partner. This is straight forward. You are unhappy in your sexless marriage. This is the part where confusion arises for me. IF you are unhappy, despite your sex partner, then your current coping mechanism is not sufficient. It is not enough to make you happy with your sexless marriage.<br />
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Having a sex partner is a common solution here, so please don't think I'm criticising this. But it seems clear to me that this solution is NOT really working for you - or is only partially working for you.<br />
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So, here you are, with an unhappy marriage and a partial solution (sex partner). What do you want? Do you want a happy marriage? Do you want to be full time with your sex partner? Do you want your spouse to become the partner you need in your life?<br />
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When we read a story here, we look at what the poster seems to be saying. In your case, it seemed to me that you were saying you were unhappy with your present situation, even though you had found certain compensations. Given this, my answer to you would be that your current coping mechanisms are not working well enough to make you happy. Is this a fair interpretation?<br />
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If, like almost all of us, what you truly want is for your husband to be your loving, sexual and intimate partner and soul mate, then it is unlikely that your current strategy can be truly fulfilling. Equally, it is VERY unlikely that your husband will change sufficiently to become the person you need as a partner.<br />
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So this leaves you, as it does ALL of us, between a rock and a hard place. You have tough decisions to make. Do you stay as you are, with a level of comfort from your sex partner and an intact but unhappy marriage? Do you risk the chances of being truly happy by taking the risk of getting divorced? <br />
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IMO it is important to be very clear about WHAT it is you want. Because what you term "support" is going to depend on what you want to have. Realistically, if you are totally happy with your existing situation and do not want to change it, it is reasonable for people to ask "Why are you here?". If you are clearly unhappy despite your existing coping strategies, it is reasonable for peoplke to say "Get a divorce".<br />
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I suspect you have (or had!) only a fuzzy idea of what you hoped to receive in the way of support. And like almost everyone who is new here (and that is ALL of us at some stage!) what you really want to hear is how to FIX your marriage. When no-one can tell you that - because there simply are NO answers for most of us - you feel let down and unsupported.<br />
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Over the years I have been on this forum there have been many people who react as you do. It is because the hard truths of our difficult common situation (sexless marriage) are very hard to hear and to face. Many of us have seriously resisted dealing with these realities in our own lives for that very reason - they are VERY HARD to deal with.<br />
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By the time someone posts on ILIASM it seems very likely that the person is at tipping point. That is, she/he is at the point where a resolution for the problem is now pressing. Naturally we all hope that there IS a solution and we can remain with our loved partner in a relationship that meets our needs. But sadly, it is only too clear from the thousands who are on ILIASM, that this success is afforded to a very few people.<br />
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So it is important not to "shoot the messenger" when you realise that your hopes for a solution are unlikely to be realised. What you will find here is compassion and a whole heap of HARD facts. What you choose to do with those facts remains your choice . . . . .

Some times, when I am not clear about my situation I find that just talking to others, and listening to them talk will sharpen my focus sufficiently to make [the problem] clearer and allows me to even just work out what my choices are. --- Incidentally that's what happened for me 3 years ago when I merely wrote one story that went largely unnoticed and commented on a handful of others, yet my visit really helped to assemble the pieces of the mosaic and get a coherent picture. Even more, the bitterness of a lot of denizens at the time, as well as a lot of the really horrid advice given immediately highlighted what NOT to do and what I didn't want. {laughs} Well I have to get back to the kitchen ...

I am sure my situation will seem confusing,I am confused at times myself . The reason I wondered if I was welcome here is because two people asked what I am doing here. I live in a sexless marriage and thought that was reason enough to be here. I am not opposed to hard facts or opinions differing from mine , I just need to know that I am in the right place .

I am basically happy with the life we have made together but I'm not happy that our marriage is sexless,I do not imagine I will ever be happy about that, so I guess that makes me unhappy about that fact even though I have found an energetic and incredibly attentive sex partner I still wish that the sex would be with my husband the way I was hoping for when we married. I think I will always wish we had been able to enjoy the bond that sex would have brought us.

So are you happy with things as they are - or are you seeking to change things?

1 More Response

When I arrived here all those years ago I was on the tail end of trying to 'fix' it.<br />
After some hard work at home with support and advice here, plus the reading, and I did a lot on here, (and as Baz pointed out) I challenged my thinking.<br />
I came to sum conclusions, made an exit plan and now bide my time doing the same as you I suppose.<br />
Just be careful of the trolls.<br />
Good luck

Thank you, trolls are evil! I will watch out.

I think your perfectly welcome here. Be warned though, if your "thin skinned" like me some of the comments you get can sound a little mean spirited. I dont feel exactly welcome here either just for that reason but it doesnt stop me from reading and occasionally commenting. I just dont write stories anymore. I do see it as a support group but I also got called out on that too.

Thank you! I am not especially thin skinned but when I commented that I did not want a divorce and chose to have a sex partner two different people asked me what I was doing here then, I thought maybe I misunderstood the purpose of this group. I am in a sexless marriage and I have had my share of pain and rejection , no one understands that like other people in a sexless marriage,

My apologies for not saying "welcome" at the get go.<br />
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I think that one of the main benefits of participation in this group is that ones position is always being challenged. People ask hard questions. That tends to make one think, and challenge ones views. This is a good thing.<br />
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If you hold a particular position (say "divorce is not an option") then that position will be rigorously challenged. One will think about that deeply. Doesn't mean you will - or should - "change your mind" but it does mean that of the very few (all poor) options one has, ALL must be considered.<br />
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This board will help you drill down to YOUR core truth(s).<br />
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Welcome.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thank you for the welcome. I am up for challenges and for review and shared insights and I appreciate honesty even when it is brutal , I never mind answering questions. They are all things I was hoping to find from people who understood what I go through in this sexless marriage.

There are a room full of people in the same boat as you here. Don't feel alone or out of place. Some may not agree with you. but that's okay. Everyone here is entitled to their own opinion. Welcome.

Thank you.It is a bigger boat that I thought! No one really talks about it in person , it is good to communicate with others who understand.

You are welcome here. I think we are all here for the same reason, to express our pain, anger and frustration with the situation that has been foisted upon us in a forum where we can be anonymous and honest about how we feel. People's responses are extremely variable. I look at them all, and then see what fits and what doesn't, and use what fits and cast off the others.<br />
I hate to say it, but I am also beginning to look for something outside of my marriage. I don't want to leave or divorce, but this is not the life I want to lead. I just hope I get the courage up, and find a like minded person, so I can fulfill the needs that I have that have been neglected for so long and share passion with one who also needs it.<br />
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I hope you get what you need!<br />
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DB2

WELCOME! You are welcome here. All opinions are welcome too and just remember, that's all they are: opinions. Everybody's got one and it doesn't have to drive your choices. Pick what works for you and be grateful someone made an effort, but you don't have to follow the rest.

I have found what you are looking for. It's tougher than I thought it would be partly because I fell in love. It’s making life kind of hard at the moment but I wouldn’t change how I feel even if I could. Life is harder but it’s better too.

Try not to be irritated or whatever by the approach of some posting and responding here, you get all sorts as you do IRL. If you can rise above most of it it will serve you well as it is a learning experience in it's own right.<br />
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There are righteous people who have problems with their relationships as there are righteous people who don't. All that puzzles me is why all righteous people don't have problems with their relationships.<br />
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Just slip and slide and mock those righteous types who are obviously so thick they can't figure it out for themselves and thus just can't let it go. It is the modern equivalent of bear-baiting but within reasonable boundaries it is still legal.

One thing you have to realize is that people get a very small amount of information from what you write and unless you are pretty clear about what your goals are you will get all kinds of advice. The norm here is that people are desperately unhappy with their sexless marriages. Most of the advice you get is slanted in that direction. As your story becomes more clear then you will find others that are perhaps involved in situations similar to your own. But that takes a little time and some writing and interaction. Give it time and relax and just read the stuff without taking it personally and you'll be fine. Some of the comments you get will be pretty direct and some people here have been known to sound like broken records giving the same advice over and over regardless of the situation. But if you hang around long enough to get it all sorted out then you should find something useful.

Hear, hear! :-D

Copying my response from your other recent story.<br />
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You said "I just thought it was a support group for people in a sexless marriage". <br />
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Yes, it is. And different people have different goals here. Some people hope to "fix" their marriages. Some wish to stay in their marriages, at least until their children leave home. Some people wish to leave, and need courage to do so. Some of us have left our marriages, and we stick around for a while to provide encouragement and support to others in the process.<br />
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The only people who aren't welcome here are:<br />
1) posters who tell us we should shut up and be happy.<br />
2) posters who tell us we should just be more romantic and everything would be OK.<br />
3) posters who are abusive. <br />
(Maybe I've missed a few categories? Oh, and then there are the guys clumsily trawling for pickups.... )

If that is the case I feel like it is the place for me.

There is no arbiter of who should or shouldn't be here.<br />
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You will get feedback of course, and hopefully having read here some, you'll see that one of the choices that people DO make and discuss is precisely what you are doing.<br />
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I suppose a lot of people who have been through the SM will have ended in divorce, but that's hardly a surprise because the dysfunction will out.