And Another Thing...

I do not like what I have allowed this sexless marriage to turn me into: someone who is obsessing about sex, thinking about it all the time, fantasizing about it, flirting with strangers, dreaming of erotic getaways, thinking of fetishes and sex all the time. That is not me. I am a loving wife, an active and loving mom, enjoying a rewarding career and in love with life. But I am so tempted to walk down the dark alleyways of life just to get a little affection and touch....... and that makes me more mad than anything. I need to reclaim my life.
supersecretxxx supersecretxxx
36-40, F
13 Responses May 17, 2012

Wow. Both of your stories are articulate and insightful.

I am going through the same thing. I am becoming sex-obsessed and focusing on fetishes and fantasies instead of my wife. I led an adventurous lifestyle for a few years before meeting her. When all was well between us, the sex we had was far more satisfying than anything or anyone I had known before as it was grounded in a true emotional bond. Once her sex drive plummeted, the feeling of rejection and detachment has led to my own detachment and compartmentalization of my sex drive. I now desire sex for its own sake - and crave things she may not be able to give me even if her drive rebounds.

A sex drive is a healthy, powerful thing when channeled into a strong marriage. When one partner walks away from it, the other is left with the same drive - and it intensifies and becomes unrestrained. I wish she could understand that. I am the same man she married, and had no problem being monogamous and happy as long as she desired me. That drive she knows so well is now churning inside wanting to come out. Those dark alleyways you speak of... I know where to find them. It makes the current situation so much more maddening.

it is a shame that we live in a society where women feel ashamed to obsess about something like sex. if you want it, your hubby should be giving it to you as much as he can. you may not like ***** or want to be one, but on some level you have to respect them. they have no quams about expressing thier sexuality and getting thier needs met. and no, not all of them were abused or have a mental problem. some women have just decided to be who they want to be. i will say this, if you don't find a sexual outlet, you are going to drive yourself crazy. i dont suggest the dark alley thing, but there are relatively safe ways to explore your sexuality with like minded, sane, and discreet people. i say go for it. we all deserve happiness.

classic: what rankles me badly is the lack of memories with my wife. Most people in this group can recall some early time in their relationship, when they had at least "some" level of intimacy and good sex. I can't, and it's horrible to know I've spent most of my life in an ice-cold situation with my roommate.<br />
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Like yourself, I cheated on my spouse. Cheating is not a good word, because there was no deception involved. I told her upfront. My extra-marital relationship has ended, and now the wife wants me back. We had very deep discussions, and she's aware that the only way to stay together is to bring sex into the picture. Most people will say she's simply trying to regain her lost property. But I'm playing along for the moment. For the first time ever, she is also working on the relationship, this time even more than I do. It feels good, retroactively, as if a dawn would send a ray of sunshine onto the ice-field behind us.

I know how you feel, my husband was older and inexperienced when we dated. He was always my favorite person to be with and we had a lot of fun together but we did not do a lot of kissing etc before the wedding, we wanted to wait . We were never able to have sex, he would try to do what he thought he should but he kissed me without any passion, it was really weird to be lip locked with someone who expressed no sexual desire. I thought he was just inexperienced and that it would improve but it never did because it turned out he is sexually repressed and the thought of sex turns him more off than on.<br />
After years of trying to be faithful and keeping my thoughts pure I went through menopause and my hormones switched up on me and I became very needy. I found myself looking at men and wondering how they kiss, men in passing cars, men is the store, on TV ,farmers on tractors, even men in church!<br />
I was ashamed but it kept getting worse. I finally felt like I could not stand it anymore,I needed more. After 16 yrs I told my husband I was unhappy and that I had to meet my needs, we have a don't ask, don't tell kind of thing going on, He knew I had an affair and ended it but he doesn't ever ask about it or ask me if I see someone else. I do see someone once a week or so for sex, just sex. He is not emotionally available . neither am I ,that is what we both looking for. I do not think it is morally right but it is what I chose to do for now my husband is in counseling and maybe someday he will unlock his passion, I just do not know.

I have similar reactions in periods of sexlessness. My fantasies are running wild, I'm obsessing, and I'm eying strangers. But my emotional needs are not in sync with such wild fantasies. I need commonality, support, understanding. Apparently, I need the emotional side more than I need sex, and this tendency has become stronger with age.<br />
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Here is proof. My marriage wasn't entirely sexless, and the wife has played along every now and then. She faked it most of time time, but not fully, because her body was reacting in natural ways. But as soon as the sex was over, I barely withdraw from intercourse, when she had the urge to change the subject. She would speak about everything and anything, just not the two of us: politics of the day, neighbors, arts, history, blah, blah. Just not the bedroom, just not her and me as a couple. This post-coital rejection was consistent through the years and decades, and it has hurt me so much, that I can't imagine being in bed with her any more. Physically, she's still very attractive in my eyes, but I'd rather stay with my fantasies, dirty and wild as they are.<br />
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On the other hand, satisfying the emotional needs works wonders. A good, sexually uninhibited discussion with a friend of the opposite gender has a soothing effect. This is why I'm on EP. It turns out that "they" the opposite gender, are not necessarily our enemies. They enjoy the same things that we enjoy. Their humanity is the same as our humanity. We just need to find each other, open up to each other, build relationships. Listen to each other, help each other, grow old with each other.<br />
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Easier said than done. But thanks for your posting, it made me feel I'm not alone.

I feel your pain. My wife isolated me from sex, and affection. So i too started to fantasize about things. <br />
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End result i had an affair. Perhaps it is time you assesed your options.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I wish I had the confidence to do that! I'm fat, 50 and have a limp I don't think anyone would want me now...( although I weigh about the same as when I married so that's not the reason my husband no longer wants me) But you need to do what fulfills your needs, I would if I could.

I agree with you! Thinking not only of sex, but of simple affection- hugs, hand holding, lingering kisses... wondering what is wrong is driving me crazy. I think an ultimatum is a good idea. Life is too short to live so unhappily!

People only fixate on food when they are hungry and it is the same with sex. If you were getting enough of the right sort of sex you would have a smile on your face and be thinking of ssomething else. Your big choice is, of course, what to do about it???

I completely understand what you are feeling as I was there, tired of being married and alone I sought out what I was missing at home and to be honest it was great. There is nothing greater then feeling WANTED by someone just as much as you want them

Basically, the only way to create a sexual life for yourself is to not allow your spouse to hold you in celibacy under the pretense of monogamy. This is not an excuse for an affair. You are honest. You tell your spouse that you will have a sex life and he can choose to work with you and be your sexual partner, or you will create it outside him. If he won't do it, but doesn't like the idea of an open relationship, he has the choice to leave (and I believe all refusers have a right to make that choice). The only way you will have sex is to end the cycle and be serious about your commitment to yourself to fulfill your sexual needs.

I could suggest, not seriously, that as a distraction you could swap your Supersecret mask for SuperGirl's leotard and save the world as it it seems it is going to be a challenge too far to save your marriage. Who was it? All I remember is the promo pictures; all **** and legs and thinking, "Sexy? - No, not really". 😃

I do not have a plan. I know I need to develop one, though. I flirted with the shadows and immediately suffered for it with nightmares and anxiety. I think I need to give my husband a chance to really start engaging in this marriage and life we have, or give him an ultimatum. He checked out, not me, so he can leave. Thank you for your support.