Anger Is Being Replaced By Sadness, Deep Sadness

I look at my H and think he really is beautiful to me in body, but he is not there any more. The person I fell in love with disappeared years ago, first replaced by constant anger, pain, and now a body just wracked with pain and disability, barely making it through any hour of the day.

So sad that so much potential could be ended with so much pain.

He was in emergency last weekend with bad meds side effects, and I welcomed the break, sadly. When he is here, for the past few weeks all I've felt is harassed and angry. Now I look and I am just sad, sad sad. So sad to see someone so young go downhill so very fast. The fight is all out of him.

I am just struggling to get my life in order, I can no longer support him the way I used to, too many years of hostility aimed at me for helping and too many years of pushing me away and pushing away all our issues. Now he is too broken to talk with me about what happened and to hope for more coming together in future.

I want to run away; I want someone else to save me; more than anything I wish it was different between us. I did all I could,but I am still broken hearted. There is absolutely no hope of saving our relationship but I still ache for the loss of him from himself - he can no longer cycle all day - or at all - our eldest has learned to cycle now and we cannot go on family outings, what we dreamt of since they were born. Every day is filled with "is he well enough for me to get something done today" "will I make it to work - is he well enough to drive the kids to school before collapsing on bed again"...

I no longer feel I need to help fix the situation; I accept that I can do nothing more. But I feel so lonely - my best friend and my lover beside me but vanished.

My life is so hard. Sometimes.
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger
36-40, F
8 Responses May 17, 2012

If you haven't done so, read about the stages of Grief. They trulky do apply to our situations. It might be helpful for you to see how you are "travelling" on your path. {{{Hugs}}}

Sending supportive thoughts in your direction, Zsu.

In some ways this is good Z.<br />
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See, for a looong time, your spouse was sucking up all the emotional air in the room, leaving none for you. Leaving you frustrated and with nowhere to turn.<br />
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Now, by dint of your various choices, you are starting to breath again. You now DO have some of your own emotional air to breath. And, not "all" emotional air is sweet. <br />
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It sure looks to me like your whole picture is slowly coming together, still a lot of work to do obviously, but I reckon you have the fundamentals pretty well right.<br />
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Tread your own path.

It is worth reflecting on how the pain and disability of your partner, whether self-inflicted or not, has changed you. If it has changed you, in what way it has changed you. Whether you need or want to address that issue for your own well-being as well. For example, how much effort do you feel it might take you to drag yourself psychologically upright or how much you may limit yourself regarding future aspirations. And being a single mother brings it's own practical challenges as well. All a statement of the nothing but obvious but nevertheless easy to put aside in the immediacy of the trauma. Finding positivity in all this at the time is possibly the biggest challenge.

I know too how you feel, you have simply given in to the sad reality and it's no relief at all, it hurts just as much as fighting for a cure, what a mess we're all in.<br />
Big hugs.

Yes, this. Watching my H go downhill physically, and quit doing almost everything he did to stay healthy when we met, has been one of the most painful experiences in my life. Doing the constant-vigilance/helpful-reminder routine seems to have backfired -- he seems to blame me for both taking on that role, and for stopping it! I'd give anything for him to wake up one morning and realise this is HIS life, HIS body, and he needs to take care of it as best he can! So sorry you are going through it as well...the emergency ward cannot be a good sign.

This is gold.

I watched the same thing with my now ex...

I feel as if I've been decorated: Baz's Order of the Gold Star! Now I will be brave enough to post another rant sometime soon. :)

I do know how this feels...though there is still quite a lot she can do my wife has chosen not to do most of it. The illness she has changed her personality. It is difficult and a really bad spot to be in...no matter what happens you lose....very sorry...<br />
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Please take care of yourself in the middle of all this ...

It's the mourning of the person you used to know, love and cherish that is so difficult to let go. I'm sorry and hope things get better for you. There's plenty of open ears on ILIASM to help. Good luck...