Smiles Of A Walking Dead

Today, I feel like a walking dead. Hell, this week, this month, this past year, these past several years...it's been rough. Some days are better; some days are worse. But they are more or less the same in one way: frustrating. I look at myself in the mirror some days and i see an emotionally exhausted person. I am exhausted from being a stranger in my own home. I ran out of WHYs to ask about my dysfunctional marriage and there is no more HOWs to wonder about being in a relationshipless marriage. I miss my own smile. My own genuine smiles.

People have always told me I have a nice smile. What they don't know is that I can probably win an oscar putting up that smile. Because nowadays when I smile, I know deep down inside that there is this dark cloud lingering over my head. There is this deep sorrow from my broken marriage that I am trying to not let show. I know how hurt I feel from years of emotional rejection. I know how much I keep longing for that hug or a kiss from her that I don't think I will get any time soon, or ever. I know how much I wish this was just a nightmare that will go away when the sun rises. I also know that the rejections would not stop, the hug and kisses that left this marriage would not return, and the sun would not rise.

At least not until I gather the courage to leave.
PS - I posted this in a different group before but would like to share with friends here in ILIASM as well.
DolphinSmiles DolphinSmiles
41-45, M
9 Responses May 17, 2012

Frecuently i ask my self if i will die without a kiss, a touch....<br />
Im sorry you have to live this.

I hope that in time a genuine smile reappears on your face.

I am sorry that you are going through this, my frowning friend...<br />
<br />
While I know that the feelings you are having are uniquely your own, you often express what so many of us are going through I am always impressed by your ability to elucidate your thoughts and feelings in a sensitive and genuine way.<br />
<br />
I can't believe that your wife is so foolish as to throw away the gem of a husband that you are. Now, you may be as annoying as hell at home, but the with the depth of feeling that you show us regularly...it's an incredible quality in a partner and a good one on which to build.<br />
<br />
(non-creepy hugs)<br />
<br />
-MR

Thanks MR. I needed those hugs (non-creepy ones) yesterday. Will likely need them again in the future.

Choice always carries a price.<br />
<br />
Staying in a dysfunctional marriage carries the price of continued misery, plus accruing interest in the form of more pain as it continues. The pain interest compounds, and the longer settlement is delayed the worse the end debt gets.<br />
<br />
However, when that debt is settled, the accruing interest component ceases, and the residual pain principal is far more readily managed. You recover.<br />
<br />
And, your next choice (pre-suppossing you are making informed choices) leads you to where you want to go. You will reap the benefit / penalty of that choice then.<br />
<br />
The life law of choice is a hard and harsh landscape. But no-one gets a pass. No-one.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Baz, this is an enlightening way of looking at things. It is a truly objective way to look at the whole situation.

The truth is always hard to face up to. <br />
<br />
Now for your exit plan see a good divorce lawyer find out your rights and then present your wife with the bill for her actions.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

And thats exactly what i mean when i say total up the bill. It is not always finacial, but at least he has closed the account. Sometimes closing the account brings the desired result sometimes it hurts financially. As you said at least it gives him a chance at a fullfilled life

I gave up too trying to understand, and no one knows cause I have hid so well, but I'm too tired to hide anything anymore.<br />
It's taking a toll on my body, mind, and its changing me as a person, so I am taking back whats mine, my life.<br />
HAng in there

That '3 more years then exit' plan of yours is starting to look completely untenable.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

You read my mind Baz. Thanks for always lending your support.

Totally agree. It doesn't work that way.

Great! Accepting the truth about our marriages, dropping fantasies, wishes and dreams is a very important first step.

Accept the true dysfunctional state of my marriage. Check.

Decide to leave. Check.

Preparing to deal with what comes next?

It is over, accept it and find someone who wants you.

Oh I accepted the fact that the end of this marriage is near. I am sorting all the next steps.