Semi Detached

I have not been here for a while and it shocked me that in 2007 I was writing abnout a sexless marriage and 5 years later I am still in that marriage. Not a lot has changed. She still promises and she still lapses. I feel like it is all me, that it is only me that is trying.
Anyhow, recently I have started gogni to a tantric masseuse. This is a lovely massage by a beautiful woman who caresses my body with hers. There is a happy ending thrown in.
I ought to be ashamed but I am not. I get some sort of sexual release adn some weird kind of sex life. Yes, I know she is having sex with my money, not me. Yes I know it is all false and an illusion on my part, but it gets me through.
I hurt no one and there is no chance of it getting out of control.
Barganax Barganax
51-55, M
5 Responses May 18, 2012

I feel your pain. I honestly have had the same thoughts with suicide being also a mental play. But i wont...i cant....we are separated. Most likely we will dovorce. I hurt so much then. So much. Felt so alone....worthless....not knowing what i was doing wrong ....since my wife didnt want to be with me.
Do what you feel is right....after thought and councilling. Another mind may give you peace of mind. This life is short.....flaundering.....beeing unhappy....not being able to share my darkest part of me with fantasies....feels just not right.
I hope you find happiness. We all deserve yourself first......i

Barganax, think about where you could be now if you had actually left five years ago. A lot can happen in five years!

Sigh, I wish I could remember to spell check before posting. <br />
I did have an exit strategy, Frustrated. It was me sitting in a bed sit room with no money and no wife. I realised that in fact this was a projection of a fear, that there may be a better life out there if I chose to look for it. <br />
It is a coping strategy but I am not sure what the next one could be. I am not sure I could go with a lady of the night. But when push comes to shove, who knows.<br />
I have worked on the core for decades. I have tread a path of deep despair, believed myself ugly and emerged from that. I have moved on, she has not moved a step.

I guess in a way you have totalled up the bill and your wife is now paying the price for her actions. <br />
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Do what you need to do we all have needs. I would however suggest that you seek legal advice and have an exit plan in place. Because if your wife ever found out her reaction is likely to be volcanic.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I feel differently. He is the one paying this bill.

All any coping has to do is "work". That's the only criteria that applies.<br />
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The core problem still exists, and will exist until such time as you confront it, but meantime, you cope as best you can. All such strategies have a shelf life though, so you need to keep your eyes out in front to pick up the 'next' coping strategy for when this one fails.<br />
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I'd suggest to you, that you having the need to return here and post might well be an indicator that this strategy is nearing its' 'use by' date. Might be time to have a real ob<x>jective look at the core problem.<br />
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Tread your own path.