Get Busy Living

I live with my refuser wife. We are married for almost 14 years. Our anniversary is next month. We have 3 kids. Sex was regular for first few years of our marriage. I always wanted it every day but we did it 2 or 3 times a week. I was fine with that. About 5 years back things started to slow down. Now it came down to nothing in last few months.
She don't work. All 3 kids go to school and I work from home. I told her that I am available anytime she wants.
All our married life I was the one who initiated sex. She will not even initiate hug or a kiss. Every hug, kiss or sex was initiated by me. She hates when I grope her when we are along at home. Last few years she refusing even to change in front of me.
She just complains about everything. It's my fault in everything. I am a person who's opinion is never valued in my home. She carries iPod with her all the time with a loud music even I can hear without headphone. Just so that I should not talk with her. Even if she is not hearing music she will never reply to my question.
If she ask me a question and if I don't reply then she will start screaming.
I got tennis rackets so that we can play outside everyday. It has been 2 years and she never played with me. Every time it is either she is busy or tierd or not in mood. Now she got a friend to play with her. She is complaining that since I never had time for her, she found tennis partner.
Everything comes back to my fault.
I have decided enough is enough. I stopped asking for sex one month back. No hugging, no kissing. Not even touching. Funny thing is she is not missing anything.
I new motto is "get busy living". I think I have to rediscover myself and start to enjoy life.
I am not going to cheat but start to do things my way. If things dont improve in 6 months, which I am sure it will not change with my wife. I will start the divorce procedure.
Mehjun Mehjun
41-45, M
9 Responses May 18, 2012

Good for you. You've tried, now move on. Literally, in your head move on. She no longer exists, she is a roomate of sorts in your home. Start talking to new people, men and women. Come home late, when she yells don't respond simply ignore or smile and go do an activity with a buddy. In essence refuse to be stepped on or be a 'second option.' --- P.S Find yourself a tennis buddy.

This could have been my story. I tried to come up with things that we could do just to connect. She almost never tried to do any of them with me. She complained about the house, but I rarely heard anything when it was cleaned. I cooked almost every night. I left her, and while I do sometimes miss what came along with being with her, I do not miss her or feeling like I was alone.<br />
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Good luck to you. I hope everything works out for you--whatever the outcome.

Sometimes when the love is not there anymore, there just isn't anything that you can do to turn things around. You are a very patient and tolerable man, but your story is a sad and pathetic one. Life is too short and no one should live so many of their days in this magnitude of misery. Make whatever attempts you feel you need to, but I'm almost sure they won't work, then...get busy living!!!

Try this :<br />
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Maybe she thinks you just want her for sex ,which I am sure it is not true ,but some women think this way ,I Don't know why .<br />
a few times try just to take her out for lunch when the kids are not home.<br />
spend some time just for her ,and don't even touch her ,just listen ...try to be patient ...!<br />
At least even if it does not answer this way ,you have tried your best .<br />
Maybe by doing that you assure her that she is important no matter if sex is involved or no.<br />
Then try to talk to her that you wanting sex is not just for physical craving ,you need to feel wanted ,you need to feel desired .<br />
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Then if you don't see any change ,then go ahead with your decision.<br />
At least you don't regret later !

There is a lot you can do in 6 months to prepare. Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce willl shake out for you would be a great place to start. From that information you'll be able to knock your exit strategy into shape and be good to go when the clock runs out.<br />
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Meantime, she has the option of lifting HER game to the requisite standards you seek. That is a matter only SHE can attempt. It is not a matter over which you have any control what so ever.<br />
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Get your exit strategy into do-able shape over the next six months. If she fires up and you don't end up having to use said strategy, well and good. But there is little point in just waiting inertly for 6 months THEN starting on an exit strategy. There will have been a further 180 days of accruing pain for you which is highly unlikely to make the process any easier.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thanks for the reply, and you've identified things you can do to contribute that she may value more.<br />
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Yet doing the dishes doesn't get you laid, and it's a poor basis for a relationship if it did. Sure, both need to be pulling their weight, sometimes people are blind to what you do do.<br />
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The thing I'd encourage you to do is to identify something great that could happen to cause you to stay, rather than patch up something so that it's just bearable. That might be much more motivating, whatever happens, and allows you to say what you do want rather than what you don't. And also leaves the door open for finding out what she wants and values which might be radically different to you. You don't have to wait 6 months for this, and you'll be getting feedback all the while.<br />
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It's my experience that the sexless marriage is not actually worth saving, reinventing it may be worthwhile, and doesn't often work: it takes 2 to tango, and it's often too late.

im sorry for your story .. its too hard but .. try her Jealousy show her that you are interested to another girl and when she start screaming tell her that she can't provide what other women could .. that's my advice and i hope you have a nice life

this reminds me of "I think I Love my wife" . she refuses her husband , "my hair hurts, my teeth hurt, my eyes hurt, " but when he's out late with another woman she is screaming at him. and he tells the councelor hes having fun with all the notsex they're having.

So, on the 18th November 2012, how will you know whether things have improved sufficiently?<br />
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What will you have done in the intervening time to a) discover whether an improvement is possible, believable and sustainable and b) prepare your contingency plans?<br />
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Why are you giving it 6 months? What are you going to do tomorrow to make a step along your path? Ring a lawyer to find out ba<x>selines? Are you in fact serious here, and not doing a 6-month manana? I'd encourage anyone to be jealous of their time whatever happens, it's all we have ultimately. Of course, you can take whatever time you need to process this, yet it helps not to bullshit yourself, one tends to get enough of that from the refuser.<br />
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Welcome by the way, to the board no-one wants to be in, I see you've joined recently. It could help you to get clarity by reading more here, though you seem to know what you want. Don't let anyone tell you what's important to you or not, you can decide what's essential to you in a marriage, and don't have to apologise for wanting a reasonable amount of sex in a loving relationship.

There are few things which she always complains. Some are true like I never cook or clean the house. Cleaning means vacuuming, scrubbing the follow etc. I want to give her one chance and try doing that.
Kids go to school and I have a high stress job even though I work from home so I assumed her to do cooking and cleaning.
I do all the outside work because she is scared of driving. I do the groceries, take kids to doctor dentist and other appointments.
I always told her that if she is bored of cooking then I can always get food from outside which we do at least 2 or 3 times every week.
I want to take the last 2 responsibilities of cooking and cleaning in next 6 months. On 31st October 2012 after taking these 2 responsibilities if things are same then I will move out.

Go for it! When you do she will stop screaming at you long enough to tell you what is wrong. It will still be your fault though.