Was I Always Numb?Through the process of self-discovery and therapy, I've come to the conclusion that I am completely numb now. However, pinpointing the inception on the disengagement/numbness is difficult. Was I always numb? Did I get married because it was the most that I thought that I could feel? Or, was I truly in love and later numb myself to deal with rejection. I'm thinking the latter.
This situation seems even more insidious. Once you've intentionally numbed your senses and turned off your feelings of affection, it's nearly impossible to restart the machine. I put forth all the effort in the world, but couldn't feel. The memory of the rejection and the feelings of worthlessness were too strong. Despite W's efforts to change and give me "what I want", I can't see the future as I did. If "what I want" is not what she wants then everything is fake regardless of the intent. I'm working on that final solution n my head now because I simply cannot see rekindling my fire for the relationship. It's sad and it kills me to hurt her, but I must do what's best for myself n the long run.
Best of luck to all!
ErroniousMonk 31-35, M 6 Responses 4 May 18, 2012