Was I Always Numb?

Through the process of self-discovery and therapy, I've come to the conclusion that I am completely numb now. However, pinpointing the inception on the disengagement/numbness is difficult. Was I always numb? Did I get married because it was the most that I thought that I could feel? Or, was I truly in love and later numb myself to deal with rejection. I'm thinking the latter.

This situation seems even more insidious. Once you've intentionally numbed your senses and turned off your feelings of affection, it's nearly impossible to restart the machine. I put forth all the effort in the world, but couldn't feel. The memory of the rejection and the feelings of worthlessness were too strong. Despite W's efforts to change and give me "what I want", I can't see the future as I did. If "what I want" is not what she wants then everything is fake regardless of the intent. I'm working on that final solution n my head now because I simply cannot see rekindling my fire for the relationship. It's sad and it kills me to hurt her, but I must do what's best for myself n the long run.

Best of luck to all!
ErroniousMonk ErroniousMonk
31-35, M
5 Responses May 18, 2012

Monk, although I am dead, somehow I have a nerve resonating for you and your story. Luckily my refuser wife is smart enough to understand that I am dead, and putting 5000 volts through me won't make me voom. That suits her fine, actually. Since I am dead, I feel very little as of now, although I am still plagued by past pain, as from a phantom amputated limb.

I known numbness. I've been there a few times. Numbness is a protection. It is armor around your heart. Nothing saves you from soul crushing agony like "I don't care."<br />
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If you feel numb towards your wife, it is because you are protecting yourself from her. Totally understandable, in face commendable. Congrats, you have taken the first step in solving your problems. You realize how dire the situation is, and are taking the most important first step: protecting your heart. <br />
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I would not look at this numbness as a problem. Instead, look at it as a positive: your body knows what your mind does not accept. <br />
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You have a smart body. How cool is that?

If a last ditch defense keep you alive, it was a ditch worth digging.

You feel numb because you are dead !<br />
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I hate that when my husband says " Is not there any forgiveness in you ?"<br />
It is not the matter of forgiveness ...when you start breaking somebody down ..little by little he/she gets to the point that he/she dies inside .<br />
when you are dead ,how can you feel ?<br />
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I don't know why they expect us to be as strong as a rock .<br />
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when they kill somebody they can't wake him/her up and say " sorry " " I try " <br />
You try what ?<br />
I am already dead !<br />
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That is I think how you feel . At least you will stay numb with her ,till you wake up in a new world " another relationship " and start to trust and open your heart again ,like a blossom ,under the sun light !

Have a read of your past comments, forum posts et al Monk-dude.<br />
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They are hardly those of a disengaged, numb, passionless person. Indeed if you were that numb, you'd not even be posting here at all.<br />
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I'd suggest that the numb feeling is entirely situational.<br />
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You are working on vacating the situation apparently. That, and a bit of time, WILL fix it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Baz, I guess that I meant more numb in terms of my feelings toward W. I'm not really angry or hurt anymore, I just feel nothing.

I don't believe you were "always numb". The numbness is a self defence mechanism. When we are hurt (physically or emotionally) we try to control the level of pain we feel. One way to do that is to become "numb". <br />
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Sometimes on ILIASM you will read this as "learning not to want the Refuser". It is the same thing. Unfortunately, once you have "learnt" not to want your Refuser; achieved making yourself "numb", you cannot easily turn back the clock . . . <br />
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Even when your Refuser ceases to refuse, you are left with the legacy of that previous behaviour which resulted in you becoming the way you are.<br />
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Once a behaviour is internalised, it becomes VERY difficult (impossible?) to reverse it. For example: have you ever given up something - such as sugar in your coffee? What happens now if someone gives you coffee with sugar? Your reaction is "Yuk!" Yet once upon a time you liked sugar in your coffee - and it took will power to give it up.<br />
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This is approximately what has happened to you - and to others here on ILIASM. It confounds us and confuses us, because we think that the very thing we have longed for (a willing partner) is now something we no longer want! How can that be? And our partners are equally confused. "You have wanted me to change for years! Now I have, and you don't want me any more? What IS wrong with you?"<br />
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Some people struggle mightily to "re-learn" desire for their previous Refuser. In most cases this is only partially successful - if at all. There are of course some outstanding success stories, but these are few and far between.<br />
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" I simply cannot see rekindling my fire for the relationship." This sums up your situation - and your decision to end it now is IMO the right one. Further effort on your part at this time is simply to prolong the misery - for you both.

Thanks, Enna! That pretty much exactly how I feel.