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The Udder Wtfness

After a night of milking disobedient cows, I slept the sleep of the dead. When I woke up, again in a new place, alone, I imagined for a moment that STBX was there beside me instead of 2000 miles away. I thought about the dynamics of our relationship: Her desire to 'mother' but then resent me for it, and her desire to have some sort of control and upper hand. I thought about how it made me feel and how it impacted my development as a person. Then I thought of my personality now. My first thought?

WTF? How did I ever get involved with such a person? How did I not recognize her for what she was? How is it that I loved this person? This person made me feel like an incompetent person in a wide variety of ways. She resented that which I could provide, and resented what it took to provide it. How on god's green earth did I allow this dynamic to exist? As I search for the answer, one thing sticks out:

1) Too accommodating.

I didn't believe my friends when they said I was too accommodating. I didn't believe them when they said I needed to fuss and fight for what I wanted. I realize this is true. I don't mean in some distant way, I mean I FEEL it. The question is, why was I that way? So I search for some answers...

- Could it be that, because this relationship was better than the one before it, that I simply did not know any better?
- I had no example of being a man who put his foot down. All foot putting down in my family was done quietly behind closed doors.
- I believed that the way to be a good husband was to listen to what women say they want in a man. My dad, being a psychologist, says "do not believe what people say. Look at their actions." He also said "Look at the data!" I, unfortunately, did not do either of these things. I ignored her actions and believed what she said. I thought that, by doing what she said she wanted, that I would be better liked and loved. In fact, the opposite was true.
- I viewed unruly men as idiots, inferior examples of what it meant to be a man. Turns out, I was 100% wrong. Well, maybe 80% wrong. Some unruly men are idiots. Others are wise. They know that being always accommodating means to lose your confidence in yourself and to lose your personal power.

2) The power of sex

- I'm the kinda guy that connects sex and love. This may be unfortunate. I don't think this will ever change for me. But it has some negative consequences. Have sex with me good enough and often enough, and I will love the hell out of you. It is that strong. I do not feel I am alone in this. I think the 'hit it and quit it' crowd are the same way, they just fear the emotional attachment enough that they know, if they keep having sex with the same person, they will love them, which they don't want...Anyway...When my wife and I first started dating, the sex was really really good, which was a new thing for me at the time. Prior relationships involved sex with a distant partner. So this good sex basically took away any good judgement I might have had.

3) Sickness

- There were many points in our relationship where I felt compelled to leave. Before we were married I even broke it off once. But then she was diagnosed with cancer. I knew I could not leave her in her time of need. And I did not want a divorce, but my mind knew that we were headed for trouble sooner or later because of her personality and our age difference.

I'm at the point now where I cannot imagine being involved with someone like her, and when I look at myself, I think, WTF dude? Why did you let this happen?

The important thing is to take corrective measures! I am so glad I did, Now instead of waking up into the misery of an unhappy marriage, I wake up, smell the air, listen to the birds, and think, "God, it is good to be alive!"

FilteringMachine FilteringMachine 31-35, M 11 Responses May 19, 2012

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your posts are very helpful. thanks for sharing

sounds tough.<br />
your dad is not you and your not your father.<br />
Im a little confused about how youdescribe your age and whats going on/<br />
I do get what your feeling though.<br />
love from boston?<br />
david xs

She was 12 years older than me. What's with the love from boston?

Change, you make an interesting point. Many of us have to re-learn what love feels like. We've either been deprived of it for so long, or we mistook the meager attentions of ouf spouses for a fulfilling relationship.<br />
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I have a man in my life who has professed his love for me. It's a very different dynamic than the one I have with D...and it's like someone turned the light on and I've said "Ohhh! NOW I can see!!!"<br />
<br />
Filter: Your journey has been a remarkable one. I wish you continued happiness and growth...

Thoughts this morning on this story...<br />
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To add to/build on your Dad's 'watch their actions' and 'look at the data', if it is love it should feel like love. <br />
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There will always be over the course of a relationship times when things feel strained or not quite connected just right. Even in great relationships. Things have to be reconnected sometimes and that takes choice and effort. But overall it should feel like love is present, however you define that. <br />
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When someone's actions don't say love to me I know I feel it. It makes me sad, confused, question my needs and try to compromise. I bet you feel it too but we each have a separate definition of what love feels like.

building further...I think of it in even more detail. If someone says "I want xyz" but is not then happy when you give them xyz, then, did they really want xyz?

No. They probably didn't know what they wanted and took a stab in the dark. That takes self awareness that many don't possess or are afraid of.

In the case of a controlling spouse, a lot of the "why" ends up being a laundry list of traits that made you an easy target. Trust me, she was tallying up the same list of traits when she scoped you out and selected you as prey.<br />
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Yes, you have some responsibility for being the nice guy who got taken down. IMO, that doesn't mean you should stop being the nice guy... just draw the line at being nice AND miserable.

For newbies.<br />
<br />
This, is a great post. Particularly if viewed from the perspective of "why" chasing.<br />
<br />
"Why" chasing, whilst IN the dysfunctional marriage, is a pretty useless passtime. For one thing you usually will NOT find out what the recalcitrant spouses "why" is, for another, YOU can't do anything about their "why" even if you knew what it was.<br />
<br />
BUT, once you are out, THEN you see things with a bit of clarity. THEN you can figure out what the "whys" were, and incorporate this knowledge into your life skills toolbox for future reference in your ongoing obligation of choice.<br />
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Tread your own path.

FM, you are undertaking the MOST valuable exercise - that of thinking about how YOU got into this situation. And what it is about you that made you vulnerable / susceptible to a woman like her.<br />
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All of us blame our exes! That is natural IMO. But once we can start to see how we ourselves bought into the situation, then we can start to plan for something different (better!) next time.<br />
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And IMO it is important to leave blame and value judgements (I was wrong; this was bad) out of it. You are who you are - and that person is wonderful. You just need to recognise how your behaviours, beliefs, etc. might result in you attracting / being attracted to someone who is not the right person for you.<br />
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Good on you for taking the time and energy to reflect on yourself and to recognise how these things might be better avoided in the future.

Man, there is some real wisdom in here! Particularly about being too accommodating... that sounds like me in a nutshell, haha. I'm glad you managed to fix the situation! :P

You have to be your own person. It is hard sometimes, especially when it directly contradicts the person your 'other' expects/wants/demands you be. It is so toxic to live as someone else - caught up only in the wishes of others, forever neglecting yourself. I'm happy for you, for moving on. Now, even if things are difficult sometimes, you can still have hope.

Yep... <br />
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On the unruly part...I think you were maybe only 60% wrong. You wanna be a little bit country and a little bit rock n' roll. :-)

How wonderful for you to feel so happy and alive. With distance comes perspective. I can see myself in some of what you write, too nice, too accommodating, thinking this relationship would be better because he was so different from everyone else I dated. Glad you are out and healing emotionally; questions are part of the process.<br />
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BTW, udder wtfness and the cows, love it! =)

Yeah, that cow part, is literal. A relative of friend needed some help at a dairy farm.