The Udder WtfnessAfter a night of milking disobedient cows, I slept the sleep of the dead. When I woke up, again in a new place, alone, I imagined for a moment that STBX was there beside me instead of 2000 miles away. I thought about the dynamics of our relationship: Her desire to 'mother' but then resent me for it, and her desire to have some sort of control and upper hand. I thought about how it made me feel and how it impacted my development as a person. Then I thought of my personality now. My first thought?
WTF? How did I ever get involved with such a person? How did I not recognize her for what she was? How is it that I loved this person? This person made me feel like an incompetent person in a wide variety of ways. She resented that which I could provide, and resented what it took to provide it. How on god's green earth did I allow this dynamic to exist? As I search for the answer, one thing sticks out:
1) Too accommodating.
I didn't believe my friends when they said I was too accommodating. I didn't believe them when they said I needed to fuss and fight for what I wanted. I realize this is true. I don't mean in some distant way, I mean I FEEL it. The question is, why was I that way? So I search for some answers...
- Could it be that, because this relationship was better than the one before it, that I simply did not know any better?
- I had no example of being a man who put his foot down. All foot putting down in my family was done quietly behind closed doors.
- I believed that the way to be a good husband was to listen to what women say they want in a man. My dad, being a psychologist, says "do not believe what people say. Look at their actions." He also said "Look at the data!" I, unfortunately, did not do either of these things. I ignored her actions and believed what she said. I thought that, by doing what she said she wanted, that I would be better liked and loved. In fact, the opposite was true.
- I viewed unruly men as idiots, inferior examples of what it meant to be a man. Turns out, I was 100% wrong. Well, maybe 80% wrong. Some unruly men are idiots. Others are wise. They know that being always accommodating means to lose your confidence in yourself and to lose your personal power.
2) The power of sex
- I'm the kinda guy that connects sex and love. This may be unfortunate. I don't think this will ever change for me. But it has some negative consequences. Have sex with me good enough and often enough, and I will love the hell out of you. It is that strong. I do not feel I am alone in this. I think the 'hit it and quit it' crowd are the same way, they just fear the emotional attachment enough that they know, if they keep having sex with the same person, they will love them, which they don't want...Anyway...When my wife and I first started dating, the sex was really really good, which was a new thing for me at the time. Prior relationships involved sex with a distant partner. So this good sex basically took away any good judgement I might have had.
- There were many points in our relationship where I felt compelled to leave. Before we were married I even broke it off once. But then she was diagnosed with cancer. I knew I could not leave her in her time of need. And I did not want a divorce, but my mind knew that we were headed for trouble sooner or later because of her personality and our age difference.
I'm at the point now where I cannot imagine being involved with someone like her, and when I look at myself, I think, WTF dude? Why did you let this happen?
The important thing is to take corrective measures! I am so glad I did, Now instead of waking up into the misery of an unhappy marriage, I wake up, smell the air, listen to the birds, and think, "God, it is good to be alive!"