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Happy I Am Not Alone, Sad So Many Are Going Through The Same Thing

I love my husband and he loves me. But our marriage is more of a partnership now than a marriage. A few years (5) ago he started having problems...down there. It has been a slow steady decline. Started with not being able to finish to now, nothing. We have been to the doctors...he has taken the pills. No help. He wants to, but his body just will not let him. I went through all the normal "oh my god it's me" moments. I've cried. I've gotten mad. Felt resentment. I've tittered on the notion of an affair.....but wouldn't that be as wrong as him holding me in a sexless marriage?? Which he isn't holding me. He has said he is just waiting for me to have had enough. He knows I can not last like this. I'm in my mid 30's, a very sexual person. I just do not know what to do....I'm lost!! I feel so guilty.....for better or for worse rings through my head. Should I say okay...this is your life....sex is out...get the heck over it!! The emotional and physical toll is tremendous. I feel less of a woman. It's not just about filling a need or a void or calming urges....it's so much more than that. I need that intimacy. The bonding. I need some advice. I'm I selfish for wanting sex or I'm I normal for feeling this way? Should I face the inevitable...divorce? Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
sosolost sosolost 36-40, F 7 Responses May 19, 2012

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Thanks so much for all the good advice. It helps to know I am not alone, selfish or wrong for feeling these feelings. We have been creative the past five years. We have made countless trips to the "toy store". The people know us by name. It's just now gotten to the point where it just isn't doing it for me. I need more. He feels really bad for not being able to perform. I see it in his eyes. And yes he does get me off...often. But it isn't the same. The "toys" are not the same.. ...After giving birth to both of our kids, I went through a spell of low libido. It made me feel so bad that I could not be there for him. Both times lasted only a few months. I know what he is going through. I wish we could find the middle ground some of you are on. Some of you are happy with your relationships despite the problems. I am happy for you. To overcome such a thing is tremendous. I will keep reading your stories in hope for my solution. Thank you again for your help.

Divorce is not inevitable. I have written several stories that detail how me and my husband have clawed our way back to a functional and satisfying relationship. With the information you have provided, it seems your H has a very defeatist attitude about it, which speaks to larger problems in his life. Is he not willing to get you off in any other way? If he has no interest in being intimate with you in any way, then ED is honestly not your biggest problem.

I absolutely feel your pain. You are not selfish, and you are very normal for having the feelings that you're having. You have much to think about, and I can't tell you what you should do. That is for you to figure out, but I would strongly suggest personal counseling for yourself. Sexless marriages have a way of putting us into a severe depression. You need to sort things out and decide which direction to go: stay and accept the sexlessness, stay and outsource, or separate/divorce.

I liked the "everything but" suggestion IF that can work for you.



If penetration by a male is vital, you might suggest your husband find a pinch hitter for him. After all, if it keeps divorce away, is it unthinkable?

Heck, if it's too weird for him, just explain you're going to get some anonymous stud to do his thing with you and you'll be back at midnight. Angry? Wants a divorce? Well, you were going that direction anyway and if it's his idea, maybe that's easier? (If a bit cowardly.) Open marriages should be more common. The stigma associated with them is unfortunate.



Finally, pills cover up medical problems sometimes. A rigorous exercise program can reverse atherosclerosis and diabetes if he avoids processed carbs like flour, bread, pasta, soda, and juice. You said he wanted to but his body failed him. He may be able to fix it. Doctors are often loathe to tell a patient they have to exercise. Many patients get offended by doctors telling them to lose weight. Well, what if it gave him his manhood back? Incentive enough?



If it doesn't work, he's going to feel better for a while anyway.



Lastly, if it's psychological, does he get morning wood? If not, it's more likely to be physical. Psychological pressure can cause the guy to lose his mojo early. It may be useful simply to decide ahead of time that it isn't even allowed. Your description sounds physical though.

"flour, bread, pasta, soda, and juice" --- thanks, I made a note to add these to my diet.

Your questions -



1 - I'm I selfish for wanting sex ??

A - No.



2 - Am I normal for feeling this way?

A - Yes.



3 - Should I face the inevitable...divorce?

A - You should consider every option going, of which divorce is one. These options for you are very limited and ALL involve significant pain.



Your seeking a bit of input from this group is a smart move. It will help you get a handle on what you are dealing with, and you'll be able to see how other members have handled their situation - and hopefully provide a framework where you can concoct YOUR solution.



Welcome.



Tread your own path.

Im a 50 year male and with the reverse side of this...my wife went dry some years ago and lost all interest in sex.

Difficult at first,the problem even using lubes was almost imposible to not hurt her.

So we reached an agreement,avoid penetration,but everythig else is a go.

I have learned to enjoy in more than 100 ways sex,without intercourse and let me tell you I am always eagerly awaiting the next sex session.

Cmon its not a life or death situation as it has tried to be pointed,and yes this is your destiny if you really love him that much.

Work around it...if you need more details...I will help as much as I can.

A rare sort of response. Encore!

You don't really say much that is specific, so it is hard to be specific in return. Don't worry though, there will be plenty of folks who will tell you exactly what you should do if you were them. That may seem puzzling to you and you would be right.



Sitting on the fence wondering whether to stick with the 'devil' you do know or take a leap into the abyss, the unknown, possibly for a 'devil' you still do not know?

Couldn't have said it better myself.