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Feeling Guilty For Wanting More

I have been a loyal spouse for the past 15 years but only being intimate once in the past 5 years is taking its toll on me. I love my wife 150 percent but I feel really resentful, frustrated, and guilty for wanting more.

My wife had a very bad experience when she was in young and I finally got her to goto counseling but no change in desire or libido. She has several health problems but none that are terminal but I try to be supportive but at times I think they are an excuse.

I am not Tom Cruise but I am not unattractive either and had very healthy honest caring sexual relationships in my youth. Part of me feels so lonely and feel like life is passing by. I miss being touched or wanted. I know that sounds weak but I am looking for any advice for people in a similar situation
lonelyguyohio lonelyguyohio 36-40, M 6 Responses May 20, 2012

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You poor blighter - the years and years of rejection have damaged your perception of yourself, so that you feel guilty for wanting sex with your supposedly loving wife.



You are trying to convince yourself that you love her so much that your - quite valid - feelings of resentment and frustration are indicators that you don't love her enough, so should feel guilty. And the ridiculous statement of loving her 150% might overcome what you feel.



But the very good news is that you've made it here, you've told your story and can now start to build up some clarity about the situation and stop blaming yourself.



Life is passing you by, and you can choose to change that - if you want. You will likely find that, if you do not listen to your feelings, your unconscious will take charge and you will have no choice.

I feel for you, truely. You are missing out on the wonderful part of a relationship. Being in love and loving someone includes a physical relationship and you will have deep regrets more so than you do now if you do not make serious changes to your life. If you have tried the therapy method and that isnt working or have tried medications (for her) and that isnt working, then yes the rest? Excuses! Do yourself a favor and begin living again. Find a woman who loves you and wants to show you as well.

As someone who went through sexual abuse, I say this with a lot of empathy in my heart for her:



She isn't going to get over it until she wants to. Until she is willing to do the work and heal herself, she's never going to move past it. And you politely backing off and letting her use this to run away and hide from her life is only allowing the abuse to extend to you. You can love her and have empathy for her and still tell her that a marriage without sex and intimacy is not acceptable for you.

The bottom line, the harsh reality is that you and your wife should possibly never have married one another. You are both that sexually incompatible. There may have been all sorts of reasons at the time that may have made it look valid, feasible but would not have made sense to an external observer. Those issues are now coming home to roost.



Only you can decide what, if anything, to do about it in response. The bottom line is your wife will never meet your needs, or at least the one that remains unsatisfied. She cannot. She maybe thought she could. She may even have tried and struggled. She is incapable of 'manufacturing' a libido to match yours anymore than she is capable of 'manufacturing' an IQ of 200 for herself. Even if it was, you might also have to contemplate her as being a different personality in other respects that you might not like.



Many will accuse her of being unfeeling, clueless, conspiratorial, exploitative, manipulative, emotionless, evil even. That is just vindictive and vengeful, borne out of anger and frustration and without reason. She is just DIFFERENT from you. Circumstances and history have determined that. It may be that it would have been better if history had conspired that your paths should not have crossed.

The only way to be 1000% sure of anything is to avoid the issue altogether. That is, not get married at all. It is well for the future of the human race that most people will not look for those sorts of odds before taking the chance. They are optimistic when maybe they shouldn't be purely from a statistical perspective. And there are those who are 'repeat offenders'. They actually skew bare divorce statistics quite a bit. Even if you were certain from the outset people will do the most treacherous thing over 30, 40, 50 years. They change.

Sometimes it's very hard to tell our spouses that they are making us feel completely worthless and unloved and unwanted. We often think, "Surely they MUST know how unhappy I am if we haven't been intimate in x days, weeks, months, years." But your wife may not know how deeply this is affecting you. She needs to know.

Yes she does need to know, but I'd bet a penny to a pound that it won't make one blind bit of difference to her. She has decided she wants the benefits of marriage, but not the sex. Unfortunately her partner was not party to this information when she married him. I am certain people get married in order to `hide' from sex altogether and appear normal to the outside world...at the expense of their `victim's sexual needs.

Welcome to the board.



If you haven't read much in here prior to posting, then it would be a good idea to do so. You will see "your" story before long, though it will be someone else who has written it.



The news is, unfortunately, uniformly bad when it comes to these dysfunctional situations, where the main symptom is an absence of sexual expression.



In the final analysis, you either stay and pay that price in continued unhappiness, or you go and pay that price in a huge upheaval in your life. There is no "magic bullet" solution available (unless I have missed something here over the past 3 years), just hard and harsh choice.



Me ? - well I ended up choosing "huge upheaval in my life" and it has worked out brilliantly well (so I am biased toward this choice). That price was well worth paying. The "continued unhappiness" price was just too much, for me. It ceased to be a viable choice.



Tread your own path.

I am on the route of "huge upheaval in my life", but it is a tough one. The main thing is that, hopefully, it will be over and work out brilliantly, as opposed to a slow death of spirit and soul.