Rolling Along, Gas Lighting Lamps, And Re-kindled Sex

I haven't posted a story in a couple of months. I've been just rolling along. My mental state is still poor, but getting much better. The depression is starting to lift but my concentration and motivation are still elusive. I've been doing a lot of exercise. Yoga. Running. That sort of thing.

I also went to a workshop in another European country - a visit I hoped would be a junket, but turned out to be work, work, work. Well, I guess they wanted their money's worth. But it did show me that I'm as sharp as ever. :-) And believe me this was something that had been worrying me about finding a new job. My confidence in my own skills and ability are at rock bottom. And I believe this to be directly related to the worst year ever at work and my husband's daily gnawing at my confidence through his talking over me, ignoring me or criticising me.

This past week my dad and my brother have been visiting. This meant that I had to give up the couch and sleep in the 'marital' bed. On the plus side the bed is HUUUGE. On the minus side I wanted to drink a few with my brother before I could go to sleep in that bed.

This morning I was digging into a forgotten closet while my H was talking to me about juice acidity levels. Every time I tried to say something he would interrupt and talk over me. This is standard operating procedure with him. It infuriates me. During my mission to find something in the closet I found an old lamp that I'd forgotten about. I asked him if it worked. He said that I had bought it and given up on it because it was too complicated. I don't remember that at all. But I said "That doesn't really sound like me..." I'm a tinkerer. I like putting things together. And if it had represented a failed project (for I do have those) I would have remembered. On the other hand, I've seen him give up within moments if something seems too hard. He insisted that I was unable to put it together and had shoved it into the closet and that I did that kind of thing all the time, just buy stuff and give up on it.

I told him I was sick of every conversation leading into criticism.

But his gaslighting worked. After he left the room, I spent a couple of minutes putting the thing together. Successfully.

I stopped having sex with my husband since August. I've been sleeping in a separate bed since (more or less) September. I've been looking better lately, I'll admit. Working out. Buying some nice dresses. He's been giving me appreciative glances, making appreciative noises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soon enough the story will begin that I'm the one who's been turning him down all these years, the one who gave up on the project.

But the truth is, although he can be attracted to me it's just plain old 'too much work' to be attentive to another's needs and desires in bed or out of bed. I've done enough tinkering to make this thing work. Now I just need to stop rolling along and find my way out of this mess.

elkclan elkclan
41-45, F
5 Responses May 20, 2012

Elklan - this process that Baz is always talking about (he knows his stuff) does take it's time. You are more than half way through, you see your situation clearly. Now the hard part - making decisions and deciding what to do and how to do it. Take strength from where you can. Pace yourself and things will slot into place. It's tough but you'll get there.

This sort of crazy making is rotten beyond all measure. Mine tries the same gaslighting efforts. Glad you posted your experience as it can remind others who may be in a similar situation.

Looks like your usual well reasoned posting style to me elk.<br />
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When you sit down to write, you are not in the toxic environment for those moments, and, you make perfect sense in what you write and how you write it.<br />
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Might be that a bit (a lot) of your depression is situational. When you are not in direct exposure to the toxin, you go good.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I'm certainly prone to depression, but yes, I do believe that living with constant triggers isn't helpful. Bit of a Catch 22.

Dealing with endogenous depression is a very difficult task and one that takes vigilance. Unfortunately, vigilance is the first thing tio suffer when we are in the grip of a depressive episode! You have proved your tenacity and will power by addressing your depressioin and are now seeing the benefits of this - in all aspects of yourself. It will lead you to the next steps which are needed for you to free yourself from this untenable marriage. CONGRATULATIONS!

Self-awareness can be a beautiful thing, especially when you realize that someone else's put-downs simply aren't true. The judo mind-flips are losing their hold on you and your recent changes (claiming a separate bed, working out, caring about your appearance) show that you have a core of strength that isn't going to stand for disrespect much longer. Good for you!!

Well...he's not so stupid as to generally pick on things which are completely UNTRUE. It is true that I sometimes leave projects unfinished - and since he manages to make his commentary about my CHARACTER - he hit on a sore spot - and it hurts. It plays into my current dialogue about how I'm worthless and can't do anything. But his mistake was I don't fail to complete on things like that - so I knew that particular one was rubbish.