Nice Guys Finish Last

I struggle with similar issues. I love my wife and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She just has no sexual interest in me. she say the the thought of it is repulsive. I have no doubt that I am not a great lover, I was a virgin when we married and since have only had limited experience.

the thing I hate the most is that I have started thinking about other women. To a certain extent this is somewhat normal... but for me it is a constant distraction. I feel so alone that is the worst part. I can't talk with her about things because she gets angry and says that we have already and it won't change anything. She also says the she is happy with the status quo and has no desire or intent to change. Essentially it seems like she is saying that it is my problem and I need to deal with it. The problem is that I work though my problems by talking them through... and I am not allowed to talk to her, or anyone else about it.

I am the kind of guy that trays to please her and make her happy. I try to give her what she wants, be supportive, and otherwise be the kind of guy a woman would want. It seems that this has worked against me because she wants to be with me, but doesn't find me sexually appealing....


rocks451 rocks451
31-35
8 Responses May 20, 2012

"Essentially it seems like she is saying that it is my problem and I need to deal with it."<br />
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Yes, it is your problem, and you need to deal with it.<br />
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She has no problem. So what are you going to do?<br />
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You can start by growing some balls.

Well... she has made her position clear, and many don't... many keep pretending that they love the spouse that they refuse...<br />
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She is making no pretense... <br />
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So, next question. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this...???<br />
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If the answer is no, well, then you have a very clear path to follow, since she has made it very clear that she does fully expect you to spend the rest of your life without sex while you cater to her every whim.<br />
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So, again... do you want to spend the rest of your life like this???<br />
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No... <br />
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Then you know what you have to do... best do it now, before kids show up to complicate the whole mess.

She is right about one thing - it is your problem. Only you can solve it, and she has made it clear she is not interested in helping you. <br />
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If you think it is your skill as a lover, I suggest you get second opinions.

Nice guys only finish last if they allow it. They probably won't finish first because they have personal standards, ethics that they simply won't stray beyond. Nothing wrong with that.<br />
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I like to think I am a fairly nice guy more often than I am not, but if you stamp on my standards as a challenge to me, beware. Being nice has to have a 'sacrifice' value in order for it to a have an intrinsic value at all other times.<br />
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You describe your wife in terms that is hard to believe of anyone and I do find myself wondering whether there is more to your story, to the background than you reveal. However, accepting what you say at face value if she is as repugnant as she appears then that is simply unacceptable.<br />
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As one usually nice guy to another nice guy, I suggest that you show her you care. Tell her that she does not obviously appreciate exactly how big a challenge it can be to face the world alone without the implicit or explicit support of others. Tell her, "There is the door, don't slam it after you, I'll take care of it, I'm a nice guy after all."

I think your blind acceptance of statements like - "nice guys finish last" - is likely to be your biggest obstacles rocks.<br />
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I reckon you might do well to go back to basics. Start questioning everything you ever heard about adult relationships and apply the blowtorch of truth to them. You will find that a lot of these "truisms", and "people say that - - - ", are complete bullshit.<br />
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Your missus has no intrinsic right to run your life, including the sexual ex<x>pression aspects, for you. This can only be done with your compliance. She owns the fact that she is behaving in a manipulative manner - but YOU sure as hell own your choice to go along with it.<br />
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Back to basics mate. You might like to address your first truism and put the blowtorch of truth to it - try this one - "people like me don't get divorced because (insert your reason here)". Then have a long hard critical ob<x>jective and truthful look at it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

why are you married? isnt it to have a partner in all things and a best friend? You need to ask yourself whether you have those things with her. If not.You need to end it for the both of you and find the person that loves you and respects you as you want to love and respect her~

First of all you need to stand up for yourself and stop being the nice guy that tries to constantly please her. <br />
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She is happy with the status quo because she gets all the benefits and security of marriage without catering to your needs. Wise up now.<br />
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If you support her financially, emotionally, whatever, stop. Its time you took these actions to show her that you are not happy with the status quo and wont be accepting it any longer.<br />
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Sounds like this account is way overdue for payment. I suggest you tally up the bill for her actions and present it to her.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

"It seems that this has worked against me because she wants to be with me, but doesn't find me sexually appealing.... "<br />
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She seems to want to be with you because you let her have what she wants and you don't expect her to be a real partner. She is selfish, unkind and very disrespectful of you and your needs. This is NOT a healthy way to behave in a relationship.<br />
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You need to stand up for yourself more - and if she can't handle that, you need to leave the marriage IMO. Harsh but true - sorry.