Post

Should I Run For The Hills, Or Is It Too Late????

Hi All,

My husband and I got married a month ago. We were living together for 4 years before actually getting married.
We were always happy together, he always makes me laugh and we have a great friendship. But the other side of things are a little off.

For about 3 years now hes never been all over me. He makes me happy by trying to do things i enjoy but the sex was very rare.
We are a young couple hes 28 and i am 22. So for me once a week seems rare. Maybe normal to others but for people in our age group it seems weird!

As we were planning our wedding he and I were both very stressed, so i assumed that maybe we were disconnected due to wedding planning.
He had depression long before we started a relationship together and it was always a reason for the lack of intamacy.

The past 8 months he has been off all antidepressants. And has never felt better. Hes more confident and happier.
He even got a tattoo. hes like a new man.
Before we got married I enjoyed this new man. He was more attractive in my eyes and the man I have long for.

Now we got married - the wedding day to say the least is a fog. But that day was more about him, then us and our commitment.
We got to our hotel on our wedding night, and NOTHING! Okay you can be too tired, but weres the affection??? We just got married??
Shouldnt there be this conncection? All he did that night was complain about the service we receive which was not up to his standards. And thats where its started. Hes aggressive, always argues with me about anything and everything with others...

I dont know what to do anymore. Our honeymoon was also like two friends on a holiday, sure we had sex. But its more then that. It didnt feel intimate if you know what i mean. Theres no passion in this relationship...
We booked 2 islands and then we get to our second where I booked no activities, so we can just enjoy eachother and all he wants to do is organise activites. We havent had time to have a nice romantic dinner together walk along the beach - we were in Maui for goodnest sake!!!


He complained about everywhere we went about the food the service. By the end of it i was stress ready to go home and got the flu.

Its been a month we have been married - i have talked to him time and time again about all this. And nothing has changed.
he says hes stressed at work and dosnt mean to use me as a punching bag but the promise of changing keeps on being broken.
He shuts me out, dosnt have time to put a movie on and just cuddle up...
Who is this man????

We have been talking about our future and starting a family together, but im afraid....

We argued last night because he didnt get to play his playstation. I mean he has time to think about playin games but no time to organise to spend time together???

I even organised a couples therapist... that was a no go too.


What else can I do?? we just got married... am i over reacting?? Please help me :(
Mya1990 Mya1990 22-25, F 22 Responses May 20, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

If your marriage is this good after such a short time just imagine what it will be like a few years from now. This man is certainly self centered and will use you, not love you. Oh yes, I certainly have run into those creatures. You should feel loved and you don't. A man who loves a woman tries very hard to make her feel loved. You are not number one in his life, he is number one. LOL but he does resemble a number 2 ....( could not resist). Run for your life..

Mya, I know why you are staying. I just read your reply to Molly's story, and there is the explanation, right there: You are recreating what you saw your mother do. Your mother is a beaten down deeply unhappy person, and here you are, setting yourself up to be a beaten down unhappy person. Do you really want to live like that for the rest of your life? in 20 years you will look like a hard living worn out 55 year old. You will have no passion left, no joy, no ability to stand up for yourself. You will tell your daughters to go live with an abusive man.<br />
<br />
You are the poster child for the damage it can do to children to grow up in a dysfunctional relationship. <br />
<br />
I can only beg you: leave. Earn some money, find a good therapist, work through these issues, try to learn how to find a man who is not predestined to abuse you the way your mother is setting herself up to be abused. A man who can love you and allow himself to be loved by you, who has no need to control you.

Its weird though, something I cant explain.<br />
In my mind even though I know it would be hard to leave, that I love him so much and this future we have planned will go down the drain it all makes me scared but in a way excited at the same time.<br />
<br />
Ever since we have been together expecially the last 2 years I have developed anxiety.<br />
Its pretty extreme and I dont know how to control it.<br />
<br />
Im scared to leave, and everytime I try and think about doing so my mind goes blank -<br />
Maybe im so used to my life that im scared about the other side.<br />
<br />
And i feel that hes really getting to me. His words. My mind is like under his spell.<br />
He knows my weaknesses.<br />
<br />
He makes me feel guilty for everything. Our 1 month wedding anniversary was yesturday and we tryed to make it special. Hes either talking about his day, or trying to act like a clown whilst we are in the bed trying to create a mood.<br />
<br />
I get angry and he blames me for breaking the mood. I get up get changed and its over. He complains hes had a toothache all day and he wasnt feeling well but was still trying.<br />
<br />
I dont know, I tell him the passion is gone. Its just down to the deed. I want to feel loved. He says he dosnt know what passion is. :S Im confused... how can a 28 yr old not know what passion is... Am i being fooled or is he serious????<br />
<br />
<br />
He says we need to see a sexoligist. I think so too. But i feel embarrassed because we are so young and we should want eachother!!! Makes me so angry!!! <br />
For Valentines a couple years back he brought me flowers - (flowers you buy your grandmother) I was expecting roses of love. And again he didnt know that roses were for love and for valentines day. The card didnt even say ILOVEYOU!<br />
<br />
:(:( But why do i still stay??? I dont know?? Whats wrong with me???

A marriage counselor would probably be better than a "sexologist" at this point - you guys don't seem to see be on the same page about much of anything. If he doesn't agree to go with you, go by yourself to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings about this relationship. As long as he knows you're too anxious to leave - he has you right where he wants you.

Hi Mya - It cannot be easy for you. SM is difficult in a sense that no matter how and when it begins, it doesn't seem to end. Whether you leave or stay right now is a decision that you yourself have to feel comfortable making. You are taking a risk either way. Whatever it is, procreating with him should be on a back burner for you. Whatever issues (SM and/or others) you have now will only get magnified and exascerbated with a child in tow, and the stakes of your decision to leave or stay will only get much higher.<br />
<br />
Read the ILIASM stories here and you will get an approximate idea of what your future marital path might look like. We all "tread our own paths" (as Baz says) and there is no single magic bullet, but the course of an SM for most fall within similar patterns. There are many of us who have walked this path ahead of you and unfortunately many more will follow.

Marriage has disimproved this relationship, and this guy... having kids will disimprove the relationship even more, and him even more...<br />
<br />
You know the answer to your question... <br />
<br />
Yes, you should run for the hills, BEFORE having kids... you are young, with plenty of time to find someone who actually wants you, and have the family you dream of. That, by the way, is the only way to have the family you dream of... Having kids with this guy will create a situation of which nightmares are made...<br />
<br />
NO, it isn't too late until you are dead... <br />
<br />
READ here... read here a LOT!!! ...you will see how what you are living now is what we all ignored... blinded by unrealistic love, we blundered on, endlessly thinking that taking the next step would magically fix things... and having them just keep getting worse.<br />
<br />
Pack it in now... people will think what they like... just as they always do... and they are not the ones living it. I threw away 10 years of my life, between the ages of 19 and 29... because I was worried about what people would think... Turns out, they thought I was making a mistake at the time (and of course were too polite to say so), and they wondered why it took so damn long for me to figure it out (and of course suddenly found the ability to say so).<br />
<br />
You already know the answer... act on it.<br />
<br />
All the best,<br />
FoP

As time goes by, one thing you come to learn, is to learn from your mistakes. Relish them, admit them, and react to them. Everybody makes 'em.<br />
<br />
Because if you do not, life has a way of banging your head increasingly hard against the wall until you get the message.

Get out of there. Don't have kids. I've had the same problem for 2 and half years and I'm just happy we haven't had kids, although time and special circumstances have made it harder for me to actually take the step and leave.... I hope I get the courage to do it, though.

Listen to his actions, not his words.<br />
<br />
Of course he's trating you ok - you are giving him what he wants, for now!!! But he is not treating you as the love you deserve to be in someones life.<br />
<br />
Oh you so made a mistake - but now is as good a time to learn about life as any - you've got to live it true to yourself; if you worry what others say you will never live or do anything because they will talk whether youstay or go - how long do you think your fake happiness will fool<br />
them?<br />
<br />
Ihave tears in my eyes because I've been there - 10 years and2 kids in - wonder if you will listen - wish I had had this advise too back then.<br />
<br />
You have plenty of time to find the right man to have kids with. Imagine yourself worn out fro. pregnancy, childbirth, late nights breastfeeding and raising those kids and STILL doing everything for this lump who not only wont lift a finger more than necessary butalso complains and finds fault in everything YOU do or the kids do.<br />
<br />
So sorry hon but time to break away from h and from mommy who is giving you the worst advise ever.

You are right to feel "bad" about this - because you actually brought it about. You say yourself:<br />
"Moving out together my idea -<br />
Getting married my idea -<br />
Getting Engaged my idea -<br />
Now i want to have kids . . . "<br />
<br />
You lived with him for four years and during the last three he clearly demonstrated to you that he was not ready for marriage OR right for you. But you chose to push on with your agenda, without paying any attention to the red flags.<br />
<br />
Many of us here did much the same thing. We may not have followed your exact path but we did ignore the red flags.<br />
<br />
You are now in a situation where those red flags refuse to be ignored any longer. Acting now by dissolving your relationship will take courage and will be very hard to do. BUT if you stay in this marriage, it will only be postponing the inevitable IMO.<br />
<br />
You need to tell your husband very clearly and without any "get out of jail free" clauses that you WILL leave the marriage if he doesn't take genuine ACTION now. He can say whatever he likes, but unless he backs it up with action, it is of no value at all.

At 28 when my marriage was going well i was rooting the wife practically everyday of the week. Once a week, nah dont fall for that. Something is wrong here.<br />
<br />
Dont have kids with him just yet. Now is the time early in your marriage where you need to draw the line in the sand and be honest with him about your expectations in the marriage. Let him know what you will and will not put up with. Because if you dont you are only setting a precedent and enabling his bad behavour.<br />
<br />
Have an honest talk to him and lay your cards on the table. If he refuses to communicate with you than dont waste your time going over the same things again and again. Seek legal advice and consider your options.<br />
<br />
You are way too young to put up with this. <br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Wow so much advice! <br />
I agree, you can't change him<br />
I agree, if there is no change you will be in a long term sexless marriage very soon.<br />
Marital counseling. -absolutely. If he refuses to go, just go yourself. You need to better understand the dynamics between you and your new husband. I think the results of this new understanding will make the decision obvious! <br />
<br />
Oh, I almost forgot, having kids is so much more stressful than anything he could be doing at work, so think how miserable that is going to make things. <br />
<br />
Good Luck!

You seem to think that there is some possibility of him changing.<br />
<br />
On what evidence do you ba<x>se this conviction ??<br />
<br />
See, there is far more evidence in your story to suggest he has no interest in changing (he was on AD's and rarely ****** you, he went of AD's and now rarely ***** you. He rejects the concept of counselling help. He was 'distant' prior to the marriage. He's still distant. And so on and so on) than there is in him wanting to change, or having the ability to do so.<br />
<br />
So again, on what basis are you pinning your hopes on him being capable of, or even interested in, "changing" ??<br />
<br />
I think you actually know this is in the ditch, for good.<br />
<br />
You might feel like a bit of an idiot in the minds of your peers if you kick him to the kerb right now. A bit of embarrassment will look like a bargain ba<x>sement price to get out of this dysfunctional situation when you look back on it in a year.<br />
<br />
And please, don't bring a kid into this dysfunctional household.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I find it so hard to leave, I feel like im giving up. <br />
Moving out together my idea -<br />
Getting married my idea -<br />
Getting Engaged my idea -<br />
Now i want to have kids its been like this for a while. Because we do love eachother.<br />
He says he cant wait yet im the one to always plan things.<br />
He wants to wait another year. Is he trying to tell me something or he just wants to wait for the right time?<br />
<br />
Overall hes good to me. Should that count for something?<br />
<br />
I find myself daydreaming about other men. What it would be like to feel loved the way i want it.<br />
<br />
We watch a romantic movie.show and he says im living a fairtale life and those things arent real. Even though i said nothing.<br />
<br />
Hes sent me a poem of sorrys today.... And promises to change... <br />
I know everyone thinks i should run, but what if i do and i regret it.<br />
<br />
But then again im always making excuses for him arnt i?

Yes, you'd be "giving up". Read stories here. Most of us wish we'd "given up" long before we did.... or we got divorced at the worst possible time because we did it on THEIR timeline.

If all of these things for your life together were "your idea", I have to wonder if this guy has any ideas on his own for his direction in life, or is he looking for "Mommy" to tell him what to do.

A LOT of us convinced ourselves that we and our (sexless, loveless, parasite) spouse really loved each other, and all was good except for the sex. One look and there was a lot more wrong than that. The fact was that WE loved THEM. We hung in there for this warped idea of love.

A man who tells you that you're living a fairytale life when you've been watching a movie and not saying anything is not "being good to you". Someone who would rather complain about the service on his honeymoon over and over than spend the time enjoying his new wife (you) is not overall good to you.

Promises to change will be the story of your life, and they'll be a series of broken promises or something that he'll always do in the future. This will go on for as long as you're with him.

My sister in law married a guy like him....a kid that has not and will not grow up. His mother thinks he is a darling though.....<br />
<br />
If you marry someone with the intent of trying to use the fact that you now have a legally binding contract with them to force the change.....you will be very successful in causing a high degree of the opposite behavior you want....and in eventually finding your way to a divorce lawyer. SIL is divorced from her's - but they had a kid - so he is still a function of her life. What would your Mom say of him when he is petitioning for visitation.....and is behind on his support ..after he has shown what he really is to everyone?

And I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else: Your mom's advice is THE WORST EVER! Shame, shame, SHAME on her for telling her daughter to try and stick it out with a horrible, sexless, emotionless man and try to change him. That's abominable.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!!!<br />
<br />
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!!!<br />
<br />
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!<br />
<br />
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
If you do, you will be tied to a sexless marriage for the next 20+ years. Think of THAT misery! <br />
<br />
Just go. Now.

You got trapped into the marriage. <br />
You now have two pieces of TERRIBLE advice being offered - <br />
1 - keep trying to change him. This NEVER works. NO ONE can change another person. It's an exercise in futility and you will simply waste more years on this. <br />
2 - Have a child. A child will not make him want you more. A child will tie you to him and complicate the issue no end. <br />
<br />
Your fear is 2 things - <br />
1 - How will you manage alone? Will it be easy? no. Will it be worth it? That's for you to decide. But then again, you'll be honest with yourself and you won't be arguing, stressed. You will also be free to find happiness. <br />
2 - What will people say. People will say whatever they want. If you leave soon after a marriage, they will wonder why you didn't try. If you leave after 14 years, they wonder why you're leaving now after having put up with it for so long. There is NO perfect time to leave. <br />
<br />
What can you do before you leave? Marital counseling. It will not help with sex but it will help you see him for what he really is and will clarify your thoughts. It will also assuage your guilt and you can say that you tried your best.

But we just got married, what do i say to everyone? I will look like a failure. And where do i go from here. I have eliminated all friends years ago. I have friends only through him.<br />
<br />
And to go back to single life... i feel nervous...<br />
<br />
<br />
He wont stop trying, he will promise to change.. Can he?<br />
<br />
Another thing he did the other night which i think was wrong is-<br />
His bro and his bro girl and having a baby, now shes only 6 weeks and you cant tell.<br />
Shes attractive and hes touching her stomach to feel the baby. BUT SHES 6 WEEKS!!<br />
<br />
And even our friends he pays more attention to our friends wife then me.<br />
And after they leave shes a you know what...<br />
<br />
Is there anything else i can do before leaving?? Maybe i havent done everything possible?

Since life with him has eliminated all of YOUR friends, it won't be an issue what to tell them. You'll have to go out and find new friends, and tell them that you had a short marriage which turned out to be a bad mistake. You can make your life over again.

One always feels nervous about returning to the single life. It's not that bad. Besides, it should be no trouble finding a "better" man than the one you have.

He'll promise to change. MOST of us have had our partners promise to change. Sometimes they do.... until they feel that the immanent threat of our leaving is over. Then, it's return to "business as usual" for them.

This guy is womanizing with his brother's wife and his friends' wives. He's "interested" in them because they're already "taken" and he can't "take them away" from whomever. He's showing "interest" in them - possibly a purient male interest in an attractive woman, possibly to deflect any suspicions that he's a sexless lump by acting like a letch in public.

No, you haven't done everything possible before leaving. You can stick around, try anything, and waste a significant portion of your life with a man (and perhaps his children) who doesn't love you, doesn't want you, will go out of his way to make you unhappy. The problem is not YOU. Get that out of your head before you end up in battered wives' syndrome.

Look, he is dysfunctional - he simply isn't wired up to be a loving, attentive husband to you. There is no getting around that fact - it shows clearly in everything that you told us. *** What can you say to everyone? It doesn't really matter - but you can simply say that you had to get out to save your future, your life. Try to go back and see if any of your old friends are still around! Why and how did you lose them? Did they not approve of this man, or did this man not approve of them? In one case they had good judgment, in the other case he was trying to isolate you, remove your support, all the better to mess with your head. *** It is _highly_ unlikely that your husband will change. *** There are lots of things you can do, but I doubt that any of them will be good for you - they will just prolong the pain, the doubt and make it harder for you to leave because you will feel that you have invested soooooo much already, that you will keep wanting to throw good money after bad. In a situation like this you make every _reasonable_ effort, and then a bit more, and after that you should take stock and see if you achieved anything. And if you didn't then you should just call it quits. Going on your account, you've just managed to dig yourself into a deeper hole so far. Read Wednesday's answer here, she's been there. Every word she says is true, she's got the case nailed.

He's isolated you and people make mistakes and you made a big one. But correcting it now is much easier than letting it go on and on. You are not a failure you are smart enough to save yourself from years of misery. This guy is not repeat not husband material. Going back to being single can be a little intimidating but then again it's much better than what you are facing. Once he turns on you and starts beating down your self confidence it will get harder and harder for you to think about leaving. You can't fix him period only he could do that and he has no incentive to do that. So move fast before you become a victim. Run Far, Run Fast, Be Free. Good Luck.

Alien body snatchers from Outer Space have struck again.<br />
<br />
Mya, we've read several stories just like yours here in the ILIASM group just these last 1-2 weeks. It is astonishing. It is worrying. <br />
<br />
I predict: in the near future he will begin to see you the way he saw the service on the honeymoon. Everything you do or say will get mercilessly criticized. Everything that didn't happen that he wanted to happen will be Your Fault. Next he will tell you how incompetent and fumbling and just generally stupid and hopeless you are. He will try to crush you.<br />
<br />
Put your running shoes on, find a friend who will take you in, get a lawyer. Get out.<br />
That's the best advice I can give to somebody in your situation. Many here in this group have experience of people like your newly-husband. Abandon all hope if you decide to stay, and don't even mention the "Yes but I l... him" word. Think about this: if he told you to jump off the Golden Gate bridge, would you do it?<br />
<br />
wishing you luck, A FUTURE, and happiness -P.

Thanks for your comments guys. <br />
<br />
I feel the same way. Hes not ready to be a husband is he?? Let alone a father..<br />
He keeps telling me hes sorry, he loves me and wants to start a family at the end of this year, What if thats another mistake.. <br />
<br />
I love him very much, and i want a future together.<br />
Maybe i need to try and change him my mother thinks i should keep trying.

You can not change him. Your mother's advice is the worst possible. Ask anyone here who has a clue about psychology and therapy (and there's a number of us) and they will all agree: you can NOT change another person. They can only change themselves, and only if they want to and see a reason to do so. That's it. It's impossible to do it to or for them, it's impossible to force them.

He will not change !
You love him because yes..he is a nice guy ,but it has nothing to do with your satisfaction . these people don't have to be mean or beat you every day ..they chew you from inside some how you will notice long time after you find yourself frustrated ,disgusting ,sick , depressed ,and bad ...!
They make a devil out of an angel ....so Run away !

Petrushka is right: You cannot change another person. You cannot change this man you married. You can get extremely frustrated trying, very depressed and irritable waiting and trying to get im to change, and very old waiting for it. He's unlikely to get more to your liking no matter what you do; the liklihood is that he will get much worse.

Your sorry excuse for a honeymoon, and it bringing out this critical side of him should bring up bright red flags. He's this way with people paid for service today. Tomorrow, he may demand that YOU be at his beck-and-call, and your life will be miserable if you're not there at the right second all the time. Of course, trying to do that will make you miserable too.

You will be unlikely to get a counselor to change him at this point either. He doesn't want to be. Your mother gave you bad advice on changing him or sticking it out longer. You should be seeing a divorce attorney about a quick divorce before your lives are too intertwined, or possibly even an anullment if that's possible in your jurisdiction. Whatever you do, DO NOT PROCREATE WITH THIS MAN! It will give you a life as a single mother, will tie you together for at least another 19 years, and will not be helpful at all.

I was stupid and stuck around after my XH told me that we were "too old for sex" after we'd been married less than 2 weeks. If I'd have had any sense, my answer at that moment would have been "good bye." Instead, I stuck it out for another 14 years - until he dumped me when I had nothing left to offer him.

You cannot change someone else nor do you have the right to try. He is who he is and he will remain that way so forget your modification plan that's a waste of time and energy. Read here if you want about the thousands of people who have tried to get people to change and their notable lack of success. You have no future with this guy unless you want to listen to him complain for the rest of your life. This is basic personality and it's not going to change you aren't going to turn Mr. Sour Grapes into Mr. Sunshine and if you have a child with this whatever it is you are simply putting a lock on the door of your prison.

Him saying he's sorry means nothing, people can say that til they're blue in the face - he would have to show you with his actions that he's going to change. He also has to be mature enough to look at himself and say there's a problem and I need to do something to fix it. I assume he couldn't admit that there is even a problem. Also, you will never be able to change him.

2 More Responses

You were divorced before you ever got married to this loser. He's pushing you away because that's his nature and he's a prissy piece of work that likes to ***** and moan about anything and everything as well. Crap bitching about the service what kind of prima donna is this ******* anyway. If I go out with someone that I love I don't even notice the service because I'm busy talking to them and spending the waiting time engaged with them. That is not a chore if service is a bit slow that just gives me more time with someone I really really like a lot which is a good thing. <br />
<br />
So if he's bitching about service he's obviously not into you and I would say his romance has run it's course and he's ready to try and make you miserable enough to leave him. Do it now why wait he's a Deadhead and this isn't going to get any better. If you want to hang around and listen to him whine, moan and groan then you are wasting precious time and your life. Go find someone that thinks you are juicy and who loves you to pieces.

I doubt he's going to try and make her leave, WP. The way he carried on on their honeymoon gives me the idea that he's going to want to end up with someone with battered womens syndrome - e.g. with someone who can't stand up for themselves any more. To satisfy some twisted need he has. At least that's what his relentless cold and overcritical behaviour suggests to me. People on their honeymoon are supposed to be happy, smiling, forgiving and easy going because they are 'over the moon'. Compare with this dude ..... Mr. customer-from-hell ;-(

My first recommendation is to put any plan to procreate with this man on hold - indefinitely.<br />
<br />
You have lived together for 4 years. For 3 years (75% of time) the intimacy level has not been to your satisfaction. Then, you married him!<br />
<br />
He is engaging in behaviors that preclude intimacy with you. The busyness, the evasive tactics, the arguing, the complaining, the low to non existent sexual activity, etc are all textbok behaviors that people engage in to avoid intimacy.<br />
<br />
You are not overreacting.<br />
<br />
If he refuses to address the issue, if he refuses to engage you, there is nothing you can do to make him. He reads like he has a profound lack of love for you.<br />
<br />
The only things you have control over is YOUR reactions to the behavior.<br />
<br />
I recommend you keep reading stories on here you might find something of use.