Should I Run For The Hills, Or Is It Too Late????

If your marriage is this good after such a short time just imagine what it will be like a few years from now. This man is certainly self centered and will use you, not love you. Oh yes, I certainly have run into those creatures. You should feel loved and you don't. A man who loves a woman tries very hard to make her feel loved. You are not number one in his life, he is number one. LOL but he does resemble a number 2 ....( could not resist). Run for your life..

Mya, I know why you are staying. I just read your reply to Molly's story, and there is the explanation, right there: You are recreating what you saw your mother do. Your mother is a beaten down deeply unhappy person, and here you are, setting yourself up to be a beaten down unhappy person. Do you really want to live like that for the rest of your life? in 20 years you will look like a hard living worn out 55 year old. You will have no passion left, no joy, no ability to stand up for yourself. You will tell your daughters to go live with an abusive man.



You are the poster child for the damage it can do to children to grow up in a dysfunctional relationship.



I can only beg you: leave. Earn some money, find a good therapist, work through these issues, try to learn how to find a man who is not predestined to abuse you the way your mother is setting herself up to be abused. A man who can love you and allow himself to be loved by you, who has no need to control you.

Its weird though, something I cant explain.

In my mind even though I know it would be hard to leave, that I love him so much and this future we have planned will go down the drain it all makes me scared but in a way excited at the same time.



Ever since we have been together expecially the last 2 years I have developed anxiety.

Its pretty extreme and I dont know how to control it.



Im scared to leave, and everytime I try and think about doing so my mind goes blank -

Maybe im so used to my life that im scared about the other side.



And i feel that hes really getting to me. His words. My mind is like under his spell.

He knows my weaknesses.



He makes me feel guilty for everything. Our 1 month wedding anniversary was yesturday and we tryed to make it special. Hes either talking about his day, or trying to act like a clown whilst we are in the bed trying to create a mood.



I get angry and he blames me for breaking the mood. I get up get changed and its over. He complains hes had a toothache all day and he wasnt feeling well but was still trying.



I dont know, I tell him the passion is gone. Its just down to the deed. I want to feel loved. He says he dosnt know what passion is. :S Im confused... how can a 28 yr old not know what passion is... Am i being fooled or is he serious????





He says we need to see a sexoligist. I think so too. But i feel embarrassed because we are so young and we should want eachother!!! Makes me so angry!!!

For Valentines a couple years back he brought me flowers - (flowers you buy your grandmother) I was expecting roses of love. And again he didnt know that roses were for love and for valentines day. The card didnt even say ILOVEYOU!



:(:( But why do i still stay??? I dont know?? Whats wrong with me???

O.K. I GET IT!!! You will feel FOOLISH if you end it...Blah Blah Blah...How about THIS?? The way you will feel laden down with a child and financially stranded?

There is a "saying" LOVE means you NEVER have to say you're sorry"!! Yeah...This piece of crap is telling you how sorry he is every five freakin' minutes!!! Make NO mistake..He is playing you like a song...A MEGA control freak!! You have woke up to SMELL the coffee!! NOW you gotta DRINK it!!

Hi Mya - It cannot be easy for you. SM is difficult in a sense that no matter how and when it begins, it doesn't seem to end. Whether you leave or stay right now is a decision that you yourself have to feel comfortable making. You are taking a risk either way. Whatever it is, procreating with him should be on a back burner for you. Whatever issues (SM and/or others) you have now will only get magnified and exascerbated with a child in tow, and the stakes of your decision to leave or stay will only get much higher.



Read the ILIASM stories here and you will get an approximate idea of what your future marital path might look like. We all "tread our own paths" (as Baz says) and there is no single magic bullet, but the course of an SM for most fall within similar patterns. There are many of us who have walked this path ahead of you and unfortunately many more will follow.

Marriage has disimproved this relationship, and this guy... having kids will disimprove the relationship even more, and him even more...



You know the answer to your question...



Yes, you should run for the hills, BEFORE having kids... you are young, with plenty of time to find someone who actually wants you, and have the family you dream of. That, by the way, is the only way to have the family you dream of... Having kids with this guy will create a situation of which nightmares are made...



NO, it isn't too late until you are dead...



READ here... read here a LOT!!! ...you will see how what you are living now is what we all ignored... blinded by unrealistic love, we blundered on, endlessly thinking that taking the next step would magically fix things... and having them just keep getting worse.



Pack it in now... people will think what they like... just as they always do... and they are not the ones living it. I threw away 10 years of my life, between the ages of 19 and 29... because I was worried about what people would think... Turns out, they thought I was making a mistake at the time (and of course were too polite to say so), and they wondered why it took so damn long for me to figure it out (and of course suddenly found the ability to say so).



You already know the answer... act on it.



All the best,

FoP

As time goes by, one thing you come to learn, is to learn from your mistakes. Relish them, admit them, and react to them. Everybody makes 'em.



Because if you do not, life has a way of banging your head increasingly hard against the wall until you get the message.

Get out of there. Don't have kids. I've had the same problem for 2 and half years and I'm just happy we haven't had kids, although time and special circumstances have made it harder for me to actually take the step and leave.... I hope I get the courage to do it, though.

Listen to his actions, not his words.



Of course he's trating you ok - you are giving him what he wants, for now!!! But he is not treating you as the love you deserve to be in someones life.



Oh you so made a mistake - but now is as good a time to learn about life as any - you've got to live it true to yourself; if you worry what others say you will never live or do anything because they will talk whether youstay or go - how long do you think your fake happiness will fool

them?



Ihave tears in my eyes because I've been there - 10 years and2 kids in - wonder if you will listen - wish I had had this advise too back then.



You have plenty of time to find the right man to have kids with. Imagine yourself worn out fro. pregnancy, childbirth, late nights breastfeeding and raising those kids and STILL doing everything for this lump who not only wont lift a finger more than necessary butalso complains and finds fault in everything YOU do or the kids do.



So sorry hon but time to break away from h and from mommy who is giving you the worst advise ever.

You are right to feel "bad" about this - because you actually brought it about. You say yourself:

"Moving out together my idea -

Getting married my idea -

Getting Engaged my idea -

Now i want to have kids . . . "



You lived with him for four years and during the last three he clearly demonstrated to you that he was not ready for marriage OR right for you. But you chose to push on with your agenda, without paying any attention to the red flags.



Many of us here did much the same thing. We may not have followed your exact path but we did ignore the red flags.



You are now in a situation where those red flags refuse to be ignored any longer. Acting now by dissolving your relationship will take courage and will be very hard to do. BUT if you stay in this marriage, it will only be postponing the inevitable IMO.



You need to tell your husband very clearly and without any "get out of jail free" clauses that you WILL leave the marriage if he doesn't take genuine ACTION now. He can say whatever he likes, but unless he backs it up with action, it is of no value at all.

At 28 when my marriage was going well i was rooting the wife practically everyday of the week. Once a week, nah dont fall for that. Something is wrong here.



Dont have kids with him just yet. Now is the time early in your marriage where you need to draw the line in the sand and be honest with him about your expectations in the marriage. Let him know what you will and will not put up with. Because if you dont you are only setting a precedent and enabling his bad behavour.



Have an honest talk to him and lay your cards on the table. If he refuses to communicate with you than dont waste your time going over the same things again and again. Seek legal advice and consider your options.



You are way too young to put up with this.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

Wow so much advice!

I agree, you can't change him

I agree, if there is no change you will be in a long term sexless marriage very soon.

Marital counseling. -absolutely. If he refuses to go, just go yourself. You need to better understand the dynamics between you and your new husband. I think the results of this new understanding will make the decision obvious!



Oh, I almost forgot, having kids is so much more stressful than anything he could be doing at work, so think how miserable that is going to make things.



Good Luck!

You seem to think that there is some possibility of him changing.



On what evidence do you base this conviction ??



See, there is far more evidence in your story to suggest he has no interest in changing (he was on AD's and rarely ****** you, he went of AD's and now rarely ***** you. He rejects the concept of counselling help. He was 'distant' prior to the marriage. He's still distant. And so on and so on) than there is in him wanting to change, or having the ability to do so.



So again, on what basis are you pinning your hopes on him being capable of, or even interested in, "changing" ??



I think you actually know this is in the ditch, for good.



You might feel like a bit of an idiot in the minds of your peers if you kick him to the kerb right now. A bit of embarrassment will look like a bargain basement price to get out of this dysfunctional situation when you look back on it in a year.



And please, don't bring a kid into this dysfunctional household.



Tread your own path.

I find it so hard to leave, I feel like im giving up.

Moving out together my idea -

Getting married my idea -

Getting Engaged my idea -

Now i want to have kids its been like this for a while. Because we do love eachother.

He says he cant wait yet im the one to always plan things.

He wants to wait another year. Is he trying to tell me something or he just wants to wait for the right time?



Overall hes good to me. Should that count for something?



I find myself daydreaming about other men. What it would be like to feel loved the way i want it.



We watch a romantic movie.show and he says im living a fairtale life and those things arent real. Even though i said nothing.



Hes sent me a poem of sorrys today.... And promises to change...

I know everyone thinks i should run, but what if i do and i regret it.



But then again im always making excuses for him arnt i?

My sister in law married a guy like him....a kid that has not and will not grow up. His mother thinks he is a darling though.....



If you marry someone with the intent of trying to use the fact that you now have a legally binding contract with them to force the change.....you will be very successful in causing a high degree of the opposite behavior you want....and in eventually finding your way to a divorce lawyer. SIL is divorced from her's - but they had a kid - so he is still a function of her life. What would your Mom say of him when he is petitioning for visitation.....and is behind on his support ..after he has shown what he really is to everyone?

And I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else: Your mom's advice is THE WORST EVER! Shame, shame, SHAME on her for telling her daughter to try and stick it out with a horrible, sexless, emotionless man and try to change him. That's abominable.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!!!



DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!!!



DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!



DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



If you do, you will be tied to a sexless marriage for the next 20+ years. Think of THAT misery!



Just go. Now.

You got trapped into the marriage.

You now have two pieces of TERRIBLE advice being offered -

1 - keep trying to change him. This NEVER works. NO ONE can change another person. It's an exercise in futility and you will simply waste more years on this.

2 - Have a child. A child will not make him want you more. A child will tie you to him and complicate the issue no end.



Your fear is 2 things -

1 - How will you manage alone? Will it be easy? no. Will it be worth it? That's for you to decide. But then again, you'll be honest with yourself and you won't be arguing, stressed. You will also be free to find happiness.

2 - What will people say. People will say whatever they want. If you leave soon after a marriage, they will wonder why you didn't try. If you leave after 14 years, they wonder why you're leaving now after having put up with it for so long. There is NO perfect time to leave.



What can you do before you leave? Marital counseling. It will not help with sex but it will help you see him for what he really is and will clarify your thoughts. It will also assuage your guilt and you can say that you tried your best.

But we just got married, what do i say to everyone? I will look like a failure. And where do i go from here. I have eliminated all friends years ago. I have friends only through him.



And to go back to single life... i feel nervous...





He wont stop trying, he will promise to change.. Can he?



Another thing he did the other night which i think was wrong is-

His bro and his bro girl and having a baby, now shes only 6 weeks and you cant tell.

Shes attractive and hes touching her stomach to feel the baby. BUT SHES 6 WEEKS!!



And even our friends he pays more attention to our friends wife then me.

And after they leave shes a you know what...



Is there anything else i can do before leaving?? Maybe i havent done everything possible?

Alien body snatchers from Outer Space have struck again.



Mya, we've read several stories just like yours here in the ILIASM group just these last 1-2 weeks. It is astonishing. It is worrying.



I predict: in the near future he will begin to see you the way he saw the service on the honeymoon. Everything you do or say will get mercilessly criticized. Everything that didn't happen that he wanted to happen will be Your Fault. Next he will tell you how incompetent and fumbling and just generally stupid and hopeless you are. He will try to crush you.



Put your running shoes on, find a friend who will take you in, get a lawyer. Get out.

That's the best advice I can give to somebody in your situation. Many here in this group have experience of people like your newly-husband. Abandon all hope if you decide to stay, and don't even mention the "Yes but I l... him" word. Think about this: if he told you to jump off the Golden Gate bridge, would you do it?



wishing you luck, A FUTURE, and happiness -P.

Thanks for your comments guys.



I feel the same way. Hes not ready to be a husband is he?? Let alone a father..

He keeps telling me hes sorry, he loves me and wants to start a family at the end of this year, What if thats another mistake..



I love him very much, and i want a future together.

Maybe i need to try and change him my mother thinks i should keep trying.

This man is not emotionally mature enough for marriage.

You were divorced before you ever got married to this loser. He's pushing you away because that's his nature and he's a prissy piece of work that likes to ***** and moan about anything and everything as well. Crap bitching about the service what kind of prima donna is this ******* anyway. If I go out with someone that I love I don't even notice the service because I'm busy talking to them and spending the waiting time engaged with them. That is not a chore if service is a bit slow that just gives me more time with someone I really really like a lot which is a good thing.



So if he's bitching about service he's obviously not into you and I would say his romance has run it's course and he's ready to try and make you miserable enough to leave him. Do it now why wait he's a Deadhead and this isn't going to get any better. If you want to hang around and listen to him whine, moan and groan then you are wasting precious time and your life. Go find someone that thinks you are juicy and who loves you to pieces.

My first recommendation is to put any plan to procreate with this man on hold - indefinitely.



You have lived together for 4 years. For 3 years (75% of time) the intimacy level has not been to your satisfaction. Then, you married him!



He is engaging in behaviors that preclude intimacy with you. The busyness, the evasive tactics, the arguing, the complaining, the low to non existent sexual activity, etc are all textbok behaviors that people engage in to avoid intimacy.



You are not overreacting.



If he refuses to address the issue, if he refuses to engage you, there is nothing you can do to make him. He reads like he has a profound lack of love for you.



The only things you have control over is YOUR reactions to the behavior.



I recommend you keep reading stories on here you might find something of use.