Hindsite: What I Would Add To The Premarital/pre Relationship Contract If I Could Go Back Knowing What I Know Now:

While hindsite is 20/20 and going back in time is impossible, if I COULD somehow return to the pre-relationship stage, where negotiations are more equitable, here are a few things I would include in writing:

1. If you discover you are gay bisexual or otherwise disinterested in women you will be honest and notify me immeditely.

2. If you withhold your love, affection, and companionship from me, you will be honest (explain why). And there had better be a damned good reason.

3. You will not hide behind work or outside activities as a way of avoiding heartfelt conversations about the relationship.

4. You will not belittle, discount, shift blame or redirect reasonable discourse concerning relationship issues.

5. No gaslighting.

These are a few that come to mind. Does anyone here have any other points to add to this list?
ubasti ubasti
3 Responses May 21, 2012

<p>if my refuser broke the contract he would sit there and deny he ever did! acting as if I had the responsibility of proving he did.</p><p>just tonight i had a phone conversation with him, told him how he always puts a twist in my plans, and of course he said he never does that!! in his world he has to contradict my plans.<br />
its never, oh yea that sounds like a good plan !!! he doesn't want us on same page !!! be it sex or anything i plan..... it could be something as simple as what utensil to use when im cooking. </p><p>sometimes I think these reufser just marry to have someone handy to belittle because they themselves feel belittled!</p>

in your situation it looks like evasive maneuvers and selff defense are in order.
1) make and work out an exit plan
2) be gone and busy away from his toxic personality as much as possible
3) don't tell him anything unless you have to.
4) get out and build frendships with people who build you up and encourage you.
5) when he starts that belittling crap call him on it and stop talking to him. Tell him you refuse to fuel his invalidaing remarks and his refusal to play fairly like a sane adult. (I had similar sort at home and these were my strategies that seemed to work)

oh i left ... on the third of Jan 2014.... i got a job which took me 18 months to find that enabled me to get the hell out of dodge...

it was my second time around living with a refuser ........ at this point and time have no desire to live with any one again! much less marry them!!

your advice you gave is very good advice !!! yep don't tell them everything .... stay away from their toxic ways!!!! all it does is bring you down and keep you entwined in their dark world!!...

yep i call him out on his crap all the time but of course he denied it every time but, at least he knows that i was aware of what he was doing !!! i never coward down from him!!

my refuser was/ is a nag likes telling you how to do your life as if your 6 years old and don't know anything!!

I always told him tell me something I don't know

have a harem for yourself filled with adoring attentive boytoys and send them home when you feel like it.
husbands are overrated

yea husbands are !!! i agree!!! my heart has harden ! and im getting up there in life where i don't want to deal with all the politics of a relationship anymore..

well done! your changes and successful results in finding a good job, housing, independance and freedom lend hope and inspiration.

4 More Responses

Oooh, I've thought long and hard about what I'd do with lists like this.<br />
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As Bazz says, worthless as a contract. But then that's true of most contracts, if you got lawyers involved you really would be in trouble.<br />
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Yet I darn well would raise things like this to smoke the blighters out, or at least put the users off so they would go & find easier prey. Probably verbally. I'd be looking at assessing their Big 5 personality traits and how that would play with mine; any evidence of narcissism or bpd. Peculiar family backgrounds. History of abuse, or previous relationships.<br />
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Then I'd explore their attitudes towards compromise, how they negotiated, and in particularly, their views on how sex was negotiated. If they had any ideology behind autonomy and empowerment, I'd be off like a shot.<br />
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Then I'd be making statements like, I love sex and intimacy with my lover, it's very important to me. And I get extremely unpleasant and cranky if I don't have it for a while.<br />
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And above all, be able to look them in the eye so that - beyond doubt peradventure or contingency - they would KNOW that I'd be off like a shot if they start playing silly bs on that stuff.

Your comments are inspiring. I think we should coauthor the pre- relationship application, investigation and personality survey. Our daughters would benefit.

I can see the concept.<br />
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I can also see a refuser having no qualms what so ever in signing off on such a list either, but with no intent of abiding by it.<br />
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It is not possible to legislate, or mandate "good faith" into a contract.<br />
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In the event of a breach of such a contract, the resolution falls the same way as it does now. The dis-satisfied party has to revoke the contract.<br />
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"You" still get to be the bad guy. There's no getting around that one.<br />
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Tread your own path.

You raise some good points. Perhaps we should include specific issues, expectations and agreements with contingency plans that are mutually spelled out, covered and understood should one person fall short on conjugal duties.

For example: Should one party fail to carry out weekly conjugal meetings with the other, then he/she shall free the other from the sexual-service of the relationship. Both understand that unilaterally deciding to deny one's spouse the promised committed care and intimacy via sexual relations, is a gross mistreatment, if not altogether abuse.

Maybe we must redefine what a monogamous relationship entails. We also need to put a label or a brand on this sort of "intimate denial" and include it in the larger spectrum of sexual abuse.

Again, a genuine refusive would have no qualms about signing off on that, with no intent to honour it.

Yep my refuser bought me a 10.000 dollar engagement ring along with other tiffany jewels to prove his intent!