How Long Can A Marriage With No Passion Carry On For?

Let's see. I have been married for 2 and half years, we lived around 10 months together before we wed. My husband is German, I am Latin American and living in Germany where I moved to bc of him. I left my family, career and friends. When I met my husband in school for a summer course in Washington DC, I was not attracted to him, but became attracted to him after our first date where we talked and talked and I realized what a great guy he was. The date carried on until about 3am, and he only kissed me good night. NOT A GOOD KISS. But I overlooked it bc he was so nice. And so it began... When we began having sex he was all over, to the point I got scared of always feeling him hard, and even though his moves were not the best, he could get me off and spend hours with his head between my legs pleasing me to no end. I came to Germany for the first time, and those few months were awesome. But after we married, that changed. At the beginning I changed bc I felt scared of this change in my life and I couldn't focus on sex, but I was over that period quickly. He, on the other hand, was like another man. Sex only on weekends, and not at all spontaneous. To the point that he waits for me naked under the covers and I should come naked and slip under the covers with him and then do it. SERIOUSLY?!?! He is, if anything getting lazier and lazier in bed- me on top all the time, for God's sake he literally just LIES there!! And he later confessed that before he used to take viagra- he cannot even keep it up. This argument has gone on for ages, the "I need more sex" one. he knows I am unhappy and he fails to do anything about it. He smokes a lot (I do too, but not a lot, only when I have drinks), and I know his smoking and his drinking (he's German, he drinks 3 beers -German size- every day)don't help his getting-it-up situation but it's as if he'd rather keep the smokes and the booze rather than get the sex!!!!! And to top it off, he just found out he has low ***** count, low motility so getting pregnant will be a hassle, but quite frankly, I'm not sure I should have kids with him. I am unhappy as it is with my sex life, and well, once we had kids, that'd be over. I just went back to visit my family, I was away for one month. I have been back in Germany for a week and we still haven't had sex. I'm so frustrated and pissed, I don't know what to do anymore. He's a good man, he provides for me, he works hard, and he loves me- but he just doesn't love me the way I need to, and he doesn't seem willing to want to do anything about it. Where's the passion?? While at home I met an ex lover and it was incredible how even just by the kiss we shared (just a kiss!) I felt a tingling sensation all the way down to my lady parts, I figured out it was not me the problem. I look good, and I am good in bed (really!), and I am very adventurous in bed, I have even proposed my husband to bring a girl in or sth for fun! But nothing. That kiss and the words my lover gave me had more passion than the sex we have had with my husband in 2+ years. *sighs* I don't know how much longer I can do this for...
LotusButterfly5 LotusButterfly5
31-35, F
8 Responses May 21, 2012

You need to enjoy lifes pleasures and endulgences !! Such a beautiful woman to waste.

I guess he needs competitivos.

Your 'husband' is not your 'lover', and you despise him, why don't you go?

Forme it was 5 years & I got out. For others it may be 20 years etc etc. But most of us in this group at somne point just say ENOUGH!!!. What may surprise you is for most the final straw had NOTHING to do with sex per se. But something that is a reminder that sex like EVERYTHING ELSE just doesn't appear on their radar screen.<br />
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Most here who are married to refusers can tell you they all share some very common traits. Take time to read the many stories here & you will swear they are all written by you. Because there is such a pathology to this behavior. They ALL do, act out & say the EXACT same things.<br />
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So it comes down to the fact that 99.9999999% of refusers wont change their behavior. Not because they dont want to but because they literally CAN'T. <br />
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This is who & what they are. They may have a sincere desire to change that but you canIt is their biological makeup & they couldn't change it if theWanted to.<br />
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Okay meboo is going nuts here so I cant see the last few things I typed. Forgiove if it is giberish...HA!!!<br />
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Bang Away<br />
NSH :-)

Thank u so much for your answer!! I have read some stories already, and it's crazy how I felt exactly the way u said! Also, the reading then makes me feel not alone anymore, and that my libido is not (entirely) abnormal :) I guess the only thing is this incessant, nagging feeling that my husband is happy on his end (everything else in the marriage looks good), and it would hurt him so bad :( But I know I cannot continue thinking like that bc that's compromising my own happiness for his... *shrugs* I guess I will continue in my search for support here, possible solutions, and more support if the time to say good-bye does in fact come.

It can last way too long!

The question is not how long can the marriage last. <br />
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The right question is how long can YOU last in this marriage.

I'll take a stab at it.<br />
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Another 28 months is my estimate.<br />
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By then you'll have a kid most likely, you'll have lost contact with most of your old friends, you won't be in a position to make any new friends, and you'll be completely isolated. Your self esteem will be even further in the *******, and what looked like an appropriate choice (to leave) back on May 20th 2012 will be a distant memory.<br />
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You'll be trapped. And that 28 months will become 29. Then 3 years. Then 5. Then 10.<br />
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Unless - - - - - - (insert your own answer here)<br />
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Tread your own path.

How long can it last? As long as you let it.