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What To Do???

Ok so here goes!
I have been with my husband for 6 years married for almost 4.

at the start of our relationship we spent every minute together, we work at the same workplace, he moved in with me after 3 months of first getting together, he has joined an organization I am involved in (which is annoying as it was my thing), and he likes to spend every waking minute with me. I like spending time together but I also need my time apart and he does not understand this, at times I feel like I am being suffocated by him.

To make it worse, I am lucky to get sex once a month, and for me I am sorry but that is no where near enough! My main issue with my relationship is the lack of sex, but have kind of learnt to live with that now. He says his just not interested in sex....

He has changed a lot over the past 2 years, he doesn't care about anything anymore. He does not take pride in his appearance, he has started to let his personal hygiene go at times, his childish and immature, acts like a 15 year old and his 42! He won't do a thing to help around the house except take the rubbish out, he has not cut the lawns for over 3 months, if I cook a meal for dinner he won't eat it, he would rather order a pizza or get fish and chips, and my cooking is not bad at all!

am I being to picky? Are all men like this? I am honestly not happy in this marriage, as I said the lack of sex is what started the whole chain of me being annoyed and frustrated with him and the more I look at him the more I don't like him.

What should I do? I have suggested councelling but he won't go, I am 31 this year and want to start a family but have put off having any children as I know I am not happy and don't want to bring in children to a loveless marriage... He says he loves me all the time, and I just can't bring myself to say it back anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I know I am going to. I don't want to be the bad guy!

HELP!

Cattyaucatty Cattyaucatty 26-30, F 16 Responses May 21, 2012

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The issue here seems to be more than just being in a sexless marriage. He seems to be disinterested in almost everything "us" in your marriage, and the sexlessness is the most glaring point of discontent because it strikes home the most for you. It impacts your emotions and self confidence like grating fingernails on metal and worst, it makes you feel unwanted. You peel a few more layers of the onion, and you will most likely realize that sexlessness is often a symptom of some other issues. It seems that your marriage lacks emotion and participation. How much worse do you want this to get and how much longer are you going to invest in it? Only you would know the answers to these questions.



One thing I would suggest you do - or not to in this case - is to postpone having kids with h for the time being. Use the time instead to sort out if this marriage is where you want to, or can, commit to in the long term (until death do you apart). Remember, you cannot change someone else. You can only choose to adapt yourself to the situation, or not. That's your only choice.



And, by the way, not all men are like this.

" what I mean is I have given up on cooking for him, "

I knew there was more to the story.

Is that it? Is that the entire truth? That is not what you wrote in your opening post.



I cherry-picked that one tidbit because it is a huge red flag when I read posts here in the group. It is obvious that you were not telling the entire truth.



Your intent on this post was to demonstrate how bad your husband is and it worked! The vast majority of people here are cheering you on! You have the validation that you wanted.







In the end, you are still left with yourself complaining about the lack of sex in your marriage while simultaneously admitting that you do not love your husband. You are deviously making domestic life more dysfunctional while pretending that you are holding the fort.



It is time to **** or get off the pot, young lady.

Ron, you are inclined to be very sexist in your outook on such posts. IF a man posts somnerthing like this, you immediately tell him to get a divorce. If a woman does, you query her commitmdent to her marriage. I think you allow your OWN situation to bias your responses. Please think about this . . . I know you are a compssionate person, but sometimes you prejuidices speak befotre you do!!

His older than you by at least 12 years, doesn't appreciate you, refuses to mow the lawns or eat your cooking. To top it all off he doesn't even root you.



Your reasons for staying are????



Stay Strong & Good Luck

You know what you need to do.



You can pick up some good stuff here as to how to do it.



Tread your own path.

Poor hygiene, childishness, refusing to eat good food in favor of junk food, and the lack of sex sounds so awful. This person does not care about anything and will not care about you or your children after awhile. Please do not have children with this guy, a mahor mistake you will regret for the rest of your life. He will only get worse, will probably NEVER change. Consider yourself lucky, you have your youth and no chldren, you can make a clean break! RUN!

I imagine you have had many talks with him. You now need to have "The Talk" in which you tell him, clearly and as unemotionally as you can that his behaviour is seriously endangering your marriage.



BUT before you do this, you need an Exit Plan - so be sure you have one in place. There is no point in having "The Talk" if he can persuade you not to go through with your decisions.



It is rare that "The Talk" produces the outcomes we desire. Sometimes partners WILL try, but sadly they usually slip back into their former ways within three months. Mowing the lawn once and having sex twice does NOT signify lasting change!



But what "The Talk" does do is to make it crystal clear to him that you will no longer tolerate the way he behaves and how he treats you. So this effectively makes it HIS choice as to whether or not the marriage continues. He holds the keys to change himself - and IF he truly wants to, he will pull out all the stops to do that.



If he refuses to change, blames you, or (sadly) tries to change but cannot, you know you must leave. These outcomes are far the most likely to occur. That is why you need your Exit Plan in place.



Under NO circumstances let him talk you into "one more try". Tell him you give him a fortnight to demonstrate he is making genuine efforts to fix things, and IF there is evidence of that happening, you will "see where it leads" before making a definite decision one way or the other. This may sound harsh but it leaves him in NO doubt that his future with you is in his hands.



WARNING!!!! Do not allow unprotected sex to occur at this time. It is not uncommon for Refusers to "trap" their partners through unplanned pregnancies.



Every best wish for future happiness - wherever it lies.

I also think he sounds depressed...not taking care of himself, apathy...but what strikes me is that it shouldn't really matter to you WHY. He's depressed, but should you allow that to override your needs?

That's not a man I'm not exactly sure what it is but it's not a man. Maybe you should donate it to science or something but whatever you do get rid of it that thing is toxic to the extreme. If I were you and that ******* refused to eat what I cooked he would be wearing it. You've let him get away with far too much **** for too long and now he sees you as a doormat that he can do anything he wants with and he believes you won't do anything about it. Surprise him with divorce papers and unload him with the next cycle of trash pickup. A real man will be your partner and will care about you and he will eat whatever you cook even if it's not so great and he will even help you with the dishes once in a while because he loves you. That's what you are totally missing here there is nothing going on that says this jobonie loves you at all. He's immature and useless so put on your big girl panties and leave him in the dust and go out and find a guy that curls your toes and makes steam come out your ears. Run Far, Run Fast, Be Free. Good Luck!

well said betrayed!

First of all ,Do not have any children with him ! I will tell you why later !



He used you as a ladder ,could grow and go higher and higher and now he does not need you any more ..!

You are a chewing gum that is not sweet anymore and he spits you out .

Don't be scared ! we are all like you here somehow !

I have been married for 4 years ,a marriage like yours and I am planning on leaving him.

Men like him distroy you as my husband did to me .

You will change so much in a bad nasty way that even you yourself hate yourself .

save your life !

Do not care about him !

you are still young !

I am almost 40 and I was 35 when I married my husband !

I had no idea that men could be like him !

Do not blame yourself ! we all make a mistake !

Dump him !

Money always comes back ! but not your youth ,beauty ,and your time !

About having children :

Now you are one ...when he ignores you and your need you suffer ...he will do that with your kids too and then you dont suffer ..you wanna die ...deep painfull death ...when you see your husband ignores your children it is the most painfull stab in your heart !
so ,DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING A CHILD !

My husband has done so much damage to my soul and spirit that every day I thank God that my baby is not alive and he is dead . Can you imagine ? A mother who in whole canada just had a baby in her family ....no parents,no siblings , no friends ...just a baby ...and still I am happy he is dead .
Every day that My husband ignores our dogs and does not even bother to pet them ,it breaks my heart into million pieces .

Is it enough ? or you want more reasons ?

I agree with everyone (mostly everyone) also after reading your post I really had nothing to say because sweetie you answered your own question, AND if you don't love him anymore, then this should be a lot easier than you think it is, not to mention the fact that there are no children involved.

Run honey, you are better off alone then unappreciated.

Yuck. You aren't a wife to him (in his eyes), you are his mum, his cook, his housekeeper, his constant companion because he can't be alone, etc. Sadly, you married a child.



You are very, very smart for not having children with him. Now you look at him and don't even like him anymore. Any chance of the two of you being lovers on a more frequent basis is slim to none. It's probably time to think about an exit strategy. Even counseling may not help.

Sounds like he is sufferring from depression, get him to talk to a professional, if he won't do that then you tell him what you have told us and if he stil won't change then you need to re asess the relationsip but sounds like depression.

Are you nuts?!?? You do not love your husband, so what you should do is get a divorce, obviously.



In the interim, here is some advice just to make home-life a little more tolerable: Start cooking more food when you have dinner. You are probably not cooking enough.

wow

I do cook, and their is always plenty, what I mean is I have given up on cooking for him, what's the point when you spend hours cooking a meal and he turns around and won't eat it, because he would rather fried crappy food to nice home cooked meals. He won't eat vegetables at all and won't eat fruit. He has put on at least 25 kgs since getting married.

No, not all men are like that. Absolutely not. You are 31 and you don't know that?



Let me see: you obviously need a guy who can give you space (and who presumably needs some space of his own).

You need a guy who loves cooking since your cooking is 'if' rather than 'when'.

You need a guy who is mature. A guy who loves sex. And children. And does more than take out the rubbish.



All that is doable.



I suggest two things: go out there and find that guy. Before you find him, think about how you can keep him interested in being interested. Any relationship needs positive input from both partners to remain vibrant and alive - and you say very little about that side of things.



Somehow I get the feeling that you and your H. are both taking each other for granted and nobody's spending a lot of thought on anteing up. And I see there's a problem with respect: he won't eat what you cook? That would have to be some burned pigswill that my wife cooks before I'd refuse to eat it. And she cooks some moderately weird stuff at times. By the same token I don't cook things that she does not like (not very hard at all) and I'd be mightily insulted if she refused my cooking and got take-out instead. Just little things, but they tell a story.

The reason I say very little is that I have pretty much tried everything to get him interested, I do put in positive things, everything I seem to do is not good enough according to him. He has no drive, is not interested in going out anywhere and doing anything he would rather lay in bed all day and sleep! He has no motivation and drive.... I am still young and want to make the most of my life, I am just finding with him I can't win.

Well in that case, and considering how your affection for him is waning fast, it's pretty obvious that an exit strategy is the best option. Don't worry about 'bad guys' vs. 'good guys'. "Things just didn't work out" is the best standard disclaimer.

My advise is to be the bad guy. Leave him. The world is full of wonderful, compassionate and passionate men who will love you, be there for you, and, most certainly, will F you and make love to you as often as you need.



I understand not wanting to be the bad guy. I'm wired that way. But it will only cost you years of your life that you will not get back.



Run to a lawyer and don't look back.