I Don't Know What To Do

My wife and I have been together as a couple for 11 years and married since 2005. Now I want to be clear, sex for me is not simply physical gratification: intimacy and shared experience, to me, is a vital component to our relationship. Additionally, I have a deep seated need to please her sexually; it is one-half of a dialectical relationship that I require to be happy. With that said, she has no such need. I've tried talking to her, but any changes that may come of a discussion are short lived. I have to say the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life came when we went to bed one night and she initiated sex as if it were a box to be checked off on a grocery list. There was no mutual exchange, simply her trying to please me physically as quickly as possible to get it over with. It honestly nauseates me just thinking about it as I type. I've tried bringing toys to bed but there is (an honest) conflict between the sex industry and our mutually shared feminist values. She has basically said that she has no need for a sexual relationship and this truly is the worst part as we could make love three times a day and it wouldn't change the fact that I know she wouldn't enjoy it. I will not, and I have never, cheated on my wife. I will not leave this relationship over this for the sake of our two kids. The only solution that I keep coming back to is to try and find a doctor to proscribe an antiandrogen (though I am not a fan of pharmaceuticals.)
TheAardvark TheAardvark
36-40, M
7 Responses May 21, 2012

Quoting you here - "I will not leave this relationship over this for the sake of our two kids"<br />
<br />
So, if you could be persuaded that raising kids in a dysfunctional household is actually be harmful to them, you'd revise your opinion would you ? Your position might change to you leaving actually being the best (or "least worst") option for all concerned.<br />
<br />
Read on. There are assorted threads / stories / forum posts debating this issue.<br />
<br />
If you are being truthful about this being your reason for staying you will seek these posts out and devour them. And hopefully challenge your thinking about this, and assorted other relationship issues.<br />
<br />
Last thing. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship ***** with your head. Re-read your story (from as ob<x>jective a view as you are presently capable of). Your thinking is way distorted.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Wow...beginning to think this was a bad idea. Thank you all for your input.

Sorry to be blunt... It seems surgical castration would suits you the best... <br />
Antiandrogen? Do you have any idea about numerous side effects? I know, my husband took it.... I would not wish taking it to my worst enemy... Sexual desire is not an illness, it is natural and healthy... It is your wife needs a doctor's help, not you...

Aardvark,<br />
<br />
I truly know your pain.....<br />
To quote a wise person on the site, that gave me some very good advice.<br />
The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you want to spend the next 40 years living the life you have now as status quo? Or do you make the choice to change your life to what you need for the next 40 years? The clock is ticking for us all. Trust me as a person that has grown up with parents divorced an living through a bad child custody battle between parents. Your kids will survive, and as they become adults they will understand. I myself have not made this choice yet, we are still working on things. My kids are adults which make things some what easier.<br />
<br />
Just some food for thought......<br />
<br />
I wish you all the luck and best wishes as you move forward.....

"I will not leave this relationship over this for the sake of our two kids."<br />
If I got a penny for every time I've said that.....<br />
That line wont work for ever.<br />
Good luck to you.

I think for most people here, sex is way beyond gratification (which is actually a refuser ploy to put you down). It's a short-hand for a whole suite of meanings which people associate with loving intimacy.<br />
<br />
And you're not getting.<br />
<br />
I'm not surprised you don't know what to do - you're an intelligent guy trying to be all rational & sophisticated - but let me steer you gently as another intelligent guy who was also full of shvt.<br />
<br />
Until your guts are on the floor, your relationship is down to bare metal, you are not going to get laid in the way you want, and not necessarily then. Until you're prepared to lay it on the line, and stop the intellectual wanking, you won't be taken seriously.<br />
<br />
If you assume you won't leave for the kids, let's have a reality check: either she may leave you, or your emotions will do the business for you and make the situation intolerable, so you have no choice.<br />
<br />
Your call.

Holy ****, if I wasn't in love with my wife and I was gay, you'd be getting hit on. I love Marcuse - he was central to my thesis. I'll definitely be back...