And Then There Are Days Like This...Today was just gorgeous, weather-wise.
We went playing happy families to the local splash-pad park ("sprinkler" type water works for the kids + lots of grass to sit on & a play structure) with a picnic.
Then we went for lunch too, to a restaurant.
At one point I turned to him and said "days like this I could almost see staying married... and then other days I can't".
There's just this huge, gaping hole where intimacy should be. We have the "look" of a happy family; we both LOVE our kids to pieces, we both LOVE cycling, good books, etc.; we can talk for hours so long as it's not "forbidden" (sex, money, etc.) & I don't "demand' anything he can't deliver (sex, money, planning...).
Even the comment above elicited no response. In the end he got snappy at lunch & later on; admitted he was in pain again once questioned. There's just nothing there for me any more. He saves all his energy for the kids.
He really is good looking (to me) and he really is "there" if all I need is someone to open a jar or squish a bug - or help with the kids - when he's well enough to join us. But if I look for any intimacy I'm very, very disappointed - not physical and not mental - just NOTHING there.
Dealing with this has made me very much doubt myself in terms of seeking intimacy elsewhere. These days I can barely muster interest in finding time for "self-love". The more this goes on, the more I throw myself into my work and find my joy elsewhere.
But the big, empty bed at night at times makes me cry. Like last night.
I cried at the last story I wrote too. I have not cried over my marriage in years. I have just cried so much for so many years that I was numb.
As baz pointed out, i think I am starting to feel again. And how the mighty have fallen!!!!
I have put off any divorce proceeding/separation until after this current month of work term. That ends at the end of this week.... I am def scared.
zsuzsilowinger 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 May 21, 2012