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And Then There Are Days Like This...

Today was just gorgeous, weather-wise.

We went playing happy families to the local splash-pad park ("sprinkler" type water works for the kids + lots of grass to sit on & a play structure) with a picnic.

Then we went for lunch too, to a restaurant.

At one point I turned to him and said "days like this I could almost see staying married... and then other days I can't".

There's just this huge, gaping hole where intimacy should be. We have the "look" of a happy family; we both LOVE our kids to pieces, we both LOVE cycling, good books, etc.; we can talk for hours so long as it's not "forbidden" (sex, money, etc.) & I don't "demand' anything he can't deliver (sex, money, planning...).

Even the comment above elicited no response. In the end he got snappy at lunch & later on; admitted he was in pain again once questioned. There's just nothing there for me any more. He saves all his energy for the kids.

He really is good looking (to me) and he really is "there" if all I need is someone to open a jar or squish a bug - or help with the kids - when he's well enough to join us. But if I look for any intimacy I'm very, very disappointed - not physical and not mental - just NOTHING there.

Dealing with this has made me very much doubt myself in terms of seeking intimacy elsewhere. These days I can barely muster interest in finding time for "self-love". The more this goes on, the more I throw myself into my work and find my joy elsewhere.

But the big, empty bed at night at times makes me cry. Like last night.

I cried at the last story I wrote too. I have not cried over my marriage in years. I have just cried so much for so many years that I was numb.

As baz pointed out, i think I am starting to feel again. And how the mighty have fallen!!!!

I have put off any divorce proceeding/separation until after this current month of work term. That ends at the end of this week.... I am def scared.
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21, 2012

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You might take some convincing of this, but you are a strong and highly worthwhile person. A "chooser" which is about the best thing going in your bag of tricks you bring to the table.<br />
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You also have a lot of very important things underway, so, when you get a moment, consider the following (not as a high priority, just when it seems appropriate) observation.<br />
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You don't actually need this (or any other bloke) to complete you. You are fine just the way you are. You are growing as a person, and it is a thing of beauty - a most worthwhile thing in and of itself. You are self sufficient. You are a unique individual.<br />
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Funny thing is, that when you are out of the toxicity, and blossoming even further, you'll attract people into your orbit. Some of them will be life enhancers, some of them won't be. Some of them will be blokes. That's good. You are a "chooser" so there is nothing to fear.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Z, we have subjects that are 'off the table' too: sex, intimacy, family, holidays, socializing, travelling.....I read in a relationship book (I think it was Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum) that having many and important things 'off the table' to discuss is a sign of a dysfunctional marriage. Of course, we all know that already! Just one of the many symptoms of a dysfunctional marriage! <br />
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I am going through the process and coming up with my answer to a settlement proposal, and I am scared too. I am not afraid of being alone - I am mostly afraid of the confrontations involved and then not being able to support myself. I think I'll be able to, but it is scary. It's all the unknown. But we have done it before ! So we can do it again!

I did not know " Sex and planning " were forbidden some place else !<br />
I thought It was only in our house that " sex and planning " are forbidden .

The time is upon you that you set as a deadline. Yes it sets in motion a whole chain of events that mean big changes and most of us don't handle change very well. We like our routines and are comfortable with them. That's one of the major reasons so many of us have stayed in these wretched sexless marriages for so long because we are reluctant to face the changes necessary to start a new life. Many people will never make that change because they will settle for the comfort of the environment that they know rather than make the break. <br />
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I've been through that transition once and it wasn't fun but it wasn't nearly what I thought it would be. After a couple of months I had established new routines and new habits and settled into my new single life and from there on things got better. That seems to be the pattern for most people so don't let fear stop you because the things that you are imagining to be afraid of are always much worse than the reality ever is. So have courage and keep moving and be free.