What Do I Do?

Hey. New member here. Need some help/advice. I'm heading to bed......to a man that has no idea how he has hurt me over the last couple of years. To a man who pretends that everything is okay. And because he can do that, then I should be able to do it too (in his mind). Tomorrow I will spend the day with our daughter, our sweet, sweet little girl, and wonder how I can ever leave him because I don't want her to grow up without being able to spend as much time as she wants with her daddy. But how do I stay when he's lied to me so many times? How do I stay when he has no interest in having sex with me? When he doesn't't realize how humiliating it is to beg your spouse for sex, or to for ONCE initiate things?

I left him two years ago, but shortly after found out I was pregnant. We got back together and went through counseling for our child and to hopefully repair 'us'. It worked for awhile, but again, the lies, the no interest in sex, etc. Have any of you gone through this? Is there hope? I know more than anything I need to create a healthy environment for my daughter. I don't think staying for the sake of her seeing him everyday is necessarily the right answer, but I am so confused.

Any advice is helpful. Thank you
Molly30 Molly30
31-35, F
7 Responses May 21, 2012

" Is there hope? " <br />
Of course not! <br />
<br />
Look at what you are asking! You are asking if there is hope with a man who has a ready-and-willing throbbing vagina beside him every single night and he has no interest in sex. <br />
<br />
You have more hope successfully chasing your dog across the freeway.

Your situation is a difficult one to deal with.I think if the counseling worked once before maybe it is time t revisit a counselor and stay in counseling longer,make it stick with longer counseling.<br />
You might try not confronting him about lies and try to just make him think everything is fine and just initiate things and when you have him vulnerable have these type of conversation with him.Let him know you are hurt by his lack of interest in you specifically.<br />
Sexless marriages put a huge strain on marriages and even though I do not know many success stories,doesn't mean yours can't be.<br />
I am glad you found EP where you can express yourself and in that way you may find comfort and support.Thank you for sharing your story.

There are some cliches which hold meaning, albeit with some caveats. I do feel that it is better for a child to have come from a broken home where there is subsequently an opportunity for healing, than to grow up in one where the wounds are always raw or being reopened. Be well.

Hi Molly<br />
<br />
You need to give us more detail. When you refer to his lies is it about the lack of sex, or other issues he is lying about? If you can be a bit clearer would be happy to give my opoinion.<br />
<br />
Regarding the begging your partner for sex a lot of us here understand how humiliating it is. Dont worry you are amongst friends here. Just Read Up and take it all in. You will learn a lot<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

The lies are mainly about drugs. I caught him about 4 different times smoking pot (in the last 6 months)......each time him telling me that he'll stop. I'm not one of those people who think pot it the worst thing, but when its known side affects are lowered libido and apathy, well those two things don't go well in an already struggling marriage.
It's good to be amonst friends. Thank you :)

Thanks for clarifying. I can fully relate to the pot thing. My partner used to smoke many years ago. To her credit she gave it up when she got preganant with the kids. I did have to draw a line though. You need to do the same.

My only advice is you are going to have to set boundaries and be very clear about them with him. If he crosses them you need to take action. If you dont you will be setting a precedent of allowing his bad behavour to cross your boundaries with no consequence of whatsoever.

You cant stop his actions, lying, smoking, etc but you sure have a choice on whether you choose to accept them or draw a line and leave.

The choices you need to make are hard but ones that need to be made sooner or later.

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck

Two years ago, you had some plan in mind when you left.<br />
<br />
How was it progressing (up to the time you pulled the plug and went back ?)<br />
<br />
It would seem that re-visiting that choice - this time with a waaaaay better idea of what you'd be leaving behind is well worth consideration. You'd likely make a great success of being a single mother and co-parent.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I think you should consider that while you may want to stay so that your daughter can have her daddy, YOU need to provide the best role model of a woman. <br />
<br />
Would you want your own daughter to grow up thinking she shouldn't leave an unhappy marriage because of her children? Or would you want her to reach out and try to find the happiness she deserves? Because the image she will come to understand is that mothers stay in bad marriages. That shouldn't be your legacy to her. <br />
<br />
Reach out for your own sake, and hers as well. Trust me, children do not enjoy growing up in a household with two unhappy adults. It is much more damaging than growing up with two happy yet divorced parents.

Hi there Molly,<br />
<br />
Like you I am new to this site. <br />
I dont think I am qualified enough to give you the answer you need. <br />
I can talk for experiences and things I have seen my mother go through.<br />
<br />
My father left me and my mother the day I was born. (thats right the day)<br />
It was very hard on my mum, being a single mother. She went to his door many times to try and make it work. (It didnt because of religous reasons)<br />
Eventually after 1-2 months after my birth he left the country and found another wife got married and had a family with her.<br />
My mother has always blamed herself for him not being in my life and has cried and shed many tears. I have never met my father.<br />
<br />
My mother re-married and had my sister, things were good but she was always stressed out and never happy with the way he treated her.<br />
She didnt get to do much, go out spend time with me and my sister alone just us girls ect..<br />
<br />
I got married a month ago (which you can read in my story) My step-dad has always been controlling, my mother and I didnt get to enjoy the wedding planning together the way a bride usually does.<br />
She has tried to leave many times - more then I can count on both hands.<br />
And shes still with him trying to make it work because she has a daughter with him.<br />
My sister, is very quite shes only 18 but she understands alot! And just like my mum and I, it has taken its toll on her as a person she has seen them argue and how unhappy my mum has been. I did too. But i moved out at 17 and got away.<br />
I was always blamed as the reason for their aguments.<br />
I got married at 22 just the other month. <br />
<br />
I think i wouldnt have gotten married so early if i had a happier home life.<br />
My point is even though you think staying is better, maybe its not because you daughter will see all the pain you go through, it will define the person she is.<br />
<br />
Dont get me wrong there were times where i would lay in bed and wonder why my father wasnt around. I would cry an ocean of tears.<br />
But i never blamed my mother.<br />
<br />
If you do whats right for you. I am sure it will work out.<br />
Try everything possible before you decide to leave this way you know you did everything you could to save it.<br />
<br />
It takes two to tango and if he wants his daughter in his life he would make changes to save his family.

Mya,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has given me a lot to think about. Just want to hug you right now.