My Sexless Marriage Is Killing Me.

I  am so sad because of my sexless marriage. My man and I have been together for a total of almost 4 years. I'm 24 years old....I was a virgin when we met and he was my first.....In the begginning of our relationship we had sex every day(sometimes twice and after a few months it went down. we've been married for a little over a year and I'm  miserable.....I always initiate it. Now that I'm 4 months pregnant things are even worse than ever......I  LITERALLY  haveto beg him for sex and each time he comes up with a diffirent excuse. He's either stressed, tired from work, the weather is too hot, he's exhausted, and now he has a new excuse of not wanting to hurt the baby. I've spoken to him on several occasions and he never seems to take the issue seriously.....he hasn't made any efforts. I swear he never comes to me for sex....the only time he would touch me is after I've begged for days and days and even than it's not good...because he doesn't seem interested. 

I put on some sexy lingirie and did a ***** show for him the other day and he was not interested and believe it or not....I got absolutely nothing(I am a good looking girl).

he's not even interested when I offer a massage or oral....he doesn't even want oral sex!.....WTH?.......I told him if he's having health issues I'm willing to deal, we can get him some help....but it really doesn't seem to be that at all.

I'm so tired of I decide to write him a letter about how I feel he is not making efforts....and he tossed it......He than told me to get a life and use my finger. =(....I than locked myself in the bathroom and hopped in the shower(not because I needed a shower but because I needed to cry really hard and I didn't want him to hear)......I cry myself to sleep many nights......I've tried to snoop through his stuff to find out if he's cheating and have found nothing. He is always home on time and I haven't found anything to suspect an affair. He's so good to me in every other way......but he knows I'm suffering sexually yet makes no effort to work on this issue....does this make him selfish. 

What's a girl in a sexless marriage to do? I have a child on the way and it seems like things will only get worse. I feel so lonely. He's a great roommate and friend....He claims to love me a bunch.....What on earth is going on.

I actually fantasized about kissing another guy I know the other day and felt guilty...Because the thought of approaching him in real life appealed to me.....A few minutes later I felt so guilty. I don't want to cheat.....but.....I'm tired of being rejected and neglected.......How does he not care about my pain and frustration.  I'm so confused and hurt. I just need to vent. 

Sadddgirl Sadddgirl
11 Responses May 22, 2012

your husband is cheating on you.

So sorry that you have to deal with this especially the added stress while you are pregnant. You are going to need extra help when the baby comes if he continues to treat you like that , prepare now and find some good support.

I have to say, not confronting your husband and demanding to work out a solution is just going to prolong the pain. Longer the pain worst are the results.<br />
1 - Have a serious hart to hart conversation<br />
2- Indicate how important for you to have the sexual life within the marriage<br />
3- Dress sexy from now on. Do not cheat but when you go out dress sexy, have your make up<br />
4- Be open for his side, he might have fantasies he is holding and worried about your reaction.<br />
5- Some man has some strange or rather unique sexual triggers. Try to workout a middle ground. <br />
Best of luck you are way too young for sexless marriage.

I agree with all the postings above - he certainly doesn't seem to care, and is callous about his attitude. He is abusive.<br />
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What strikes me is the fact that you are hiding your emotions from him by crying in the shower. I have also done that before - hidden my sobs. For me, it was because he ignored my sobs and slept through them. He didn't care how hurt I was by his words and behavior. He could let another human be in such misery and not care! I hid my tears from him so I would not have to face that - his unfeeling behavior toward the suffering of another human, particularly someone he claimed to love! It is abusive behavior. Really think about it: do you want to share your life with a human like that? Reread your story in a few days to get a more ob<x>jective viewpoint - sometimes it isn't quite so personal with a little distance and I can see mine more clearly. Good luck

What he said about using your finger speaks volumes. What a ****** thing to say. That is mental abuse as far as I am concerened. I think you need to get out and get settled somewhere new before you have the baby. This man is an ***.

I advise caution. <br />
<br />
Do not be upfront with him. I know I will catch heat for that, but here is why: When you are carrying a man's child it is unwise to tell him you are going to leave him. You put yourself in physical danger. He has shown that he does not respect you or value you. That puts you just a short distance away from being physically abused or worse. <br />
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Normally I would say 'have the talk, tell him he needs to be meet your needs or you are gone..' But this is a more sensitive situation than that. Fortunately, he at least says he does not want to hurt the baby. That is worth something out of context. <br />
<br />
When did he start refusing you? At marriage or pregnancy?<br />
<br />
Build a network of support. Make sure you have a place to go if/when you go. Honestly this is a good idea even if life is hunky dory.

Get a divorce. <br />
<br />
Your husband does not love you and from the sounds of it, he probably never did. This will only get worse. <br />
<br />
We all know how you feel.

I've never been there but I am led to believe that some men get put off by the idea of #ucking someone who is so obviously about to become a mother and that they need a period of adjustment, although some never make that adjustment. Others get horny at just the thought of their and their partner's fecundity. However, it is hard to believe that it is about that given the overall context of your story.<br />
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What do you want to do? What do you want to TRY to achieve? Why do you think that he has turned so harshly against you? I mean, telling you to grow up and spin on your finger is as about as near as telling you to "#uck off and leave me alone" as it can be without actually using those words. Is it just his extreme way of dealing with being pressured in a way he can't cope with, or is he generally abusive?<br />
<br />
I can only suggest trying to be more circumspect, diplomatic, tactful when it comes to dealing with the issue if you have not already tried it. Using direct pressure on anyone over anything is usually an invitation for rebuffal, just on principle. Negotiation is always likely to be more productive, albeit with no guarantees in the end of the day. Negotiation is not about making demands, that is an ultimatum.

I rememeber when my wife was pregnant as she started to get bigger i did not find her sexually attractive. I know my honesty might generate some heat here but it is a fact. <br />
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Not sure if this reason applies to you however if it pre -dates the pregnancy you have some real issues you need to tackle.<br />
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You need to make a choice, stay and face the reality this is as good as it gets or go.<br />
<br />
The Choice is yours.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

The one unassailable fact in your story is that he is intimacy averse to you.<br />
<br />
It is possible that his "why" has something to do with your pregnancy, but the sub text of your story suggests that this problem pre dates that, and by some considerable time<br />
<br />
There could be any one of thousands of different reasons "why" he is like he is, yet, even if you KNEW what his "why" is, he would still be just as intimacy averse to you as ever.<br />
<br />
The unpalatable truth is that this is likely to be 'as good as it gets', and you will need to ba<x>se your choices on the situation as it now is - not on what it once was, or what it could be.<br />
<br />
This is going to be a very challenging time for you. <br />
<br />
My partners daughter faced a similar dilemma about 6 months ago (in as much as the father was / is a ****). She cut him loose. The baby was due monday week ago (still waiting !!) and when it arrives, she is well prepared to take on life as a single parent.<br />
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Tread your own path.<br />
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Addendum. <br />
Baby was born 12.04pm today 25th May 2012. Whereabouts of drone not known.<br />

you are so much younger than me. my husband is moving out, leaving me in the house and our two daughters, and i am happy. i tried everything i could think of, and now i want out. i don't want to convince someone to be with me. i've always been the initiator. and then i stopped, and that was the end of the sex, soon to be followed by my loss of attraction for him, less talking,'re probably not there yet, try what you can, but i don't want to be with someone that i have to convince to be with me. i am 53 years old, married for 19 years, two great kids 15 and 12. i want to live my life and love vibrantly, not beg, feel sad, convince him etc...good luck, i hope you absolutely love motherhood you have a big future ahead of yourself!!