Really?? Prescription Drug Abuse And Now Escorts??

Time for an update, friends. I have started working a part time job and haven't had as much time for EP, and I have missed the support and understanding!

I have finally found a lawyer who has the time to write a divorce settlement proposal for me! and answers and responds to phone calls. So that is progress in itself! He has provided me with a draft proposal. I am uncertain about how much negotiation room to put into the proposal! This part is so difficult for me! My husband has an excellent income and I am working part time in a women's clothing store, so the financial settlement is of tantamount importance to me. 22 years ago I quit working as a process engineer for a pharmaceutical company and later worked as a stockbroker for a few years. Returning to the job market at the age of 55 and a long absence is proving to be very difficult.

My STBX has eased off his mother's pain pills and anti anxiety medication because he has not gotten any more from her. He still has some of his own anti anxiety meds, which he takes daily. Once he finished the withdrawals, he is in a better and more consistent frame of mind, but he remains moody and depressed. He has increased his alcohol consumption to compensate.

It has been somewhat tense around here. Difficult living in this state of purgatory. In March I was house and dogsitting at a girlfriend's house which I have been doing for several months while she is out of town. It really helps to get some relief from the tension around here. Well, STBX didn't like it, so he took a chunk of money out of our joint checking account and switched his automatic payroll deposit so that I would now be receiving a much smaller amount. He also informed me that he would now be paying the bills and I should give them to him when they come in. So, I gave him the 'secret' passwords (as he called them - he had never had any interest) to our online bills and forward the emails to him about the bills when I receive them. As he requested, I moved my cell phone off the family account. I have also discovered recently that he looked into hiring a private detective - I hope he did because nothing would be found!

While doing the income taxes I tried to look up the bill for a camera I had bought in December on our credit card so I could write it off my art business on our income taxes. (I had bought it as a replacement for the one stolen out my car three days after I told him I wanted a divorce. Questionable as to who actually 'stole' it.) Anyway, I found an odd charge on the credit card bill for over a hundred dollars. I checked the website link, and it was for some entity that 'helped' you buy things overseas. So I mentioned it to my STBX, thinking it was some arbitrary charge that had gotten on there accidentally. He retorted that I was looking awfully closely at the bill, and I should just email him the link. I told him he could go to the website himself.

A few days later, I decided I should look more closely at that charge, and discovered I couldn't get on the credit card account anymore because the password had been changed. I called the company and they helped me set up a new log in for myself since my name is on the account. I looked at that charge again, and found an email address on the charge for my STBX that I didn't know about. I went to the email, tried the password he had given me for his work account, and got on.

Oh my.

The aforementioned charge was a partial quarterly payment for a membership on one escort website. It just so happened that he was trying to arrange a meeting that week with one of the 'escorts', who claimed to be 19 years old in her profile, have a baby, and still live with her mother. My STBX is 59 years old! This still makes me sick to my stomach. I wrote about this incident in my blog. There are many 'Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby' websites that my STBX belongs to. Also the more mainstream ones like match and chemistry.com. He also belongs to websites looking for Russian/Ukranian/etc women. He has messaged women back and forth on all these websites. On one of the escort websites he talked about our boys, their ages, where they went to school, hinted at who he worked for, let them know what town we live in - my attorney agreed it was enough information to find out where we lived in only a few minutes, even now knowing our name. It scares me for my safety, and our home. It makes me feel very vulnerable. He has been going to these websites for nearly a year now that I know of, way before I told him I wanted a divorce.

On my STBX' profile on these escort sites, he says he is looking for someone 19-35 years of age, who wants to travel with him and have fun. He says his budget for Sugar Babies is $1000 - 3000 PER MONTH!! This is much more than the amount he has proposed to me for alimony, after a 26 year marriage, two children, quitting my job at his request to be a full time wife and mother.

So, I showed all this to my attorney. I told him I wanted the $3000 per month on top of ordinary alimony allowances. He doesn't think I could get that much and does not want to ask for it. Please note that I live in a small town in Alabama. Although we have no fault divorce, it definitely matters if the behavior of one of the spouses is not 'moral'. By law, it can affect the asset division. The attorney says I can already get "more than most women" dollarwise, but I told him I am not "most women". And my husband makes way more than "most men" in our county, so therefore I should receive more alimony than "most women". This state makes me sick! I want to propose a percentage. Anyway, this is very difficult at best, and I don't have a great amount of time to 'catch up' in my life.

So that's where I am now friends, living in purgatory. Attorney says I cannot move out unless I feel physically threatened. I have two girlfriends who want to stay in very closes touch when I hand him the settlement proposal because they fear his anger. He wants to keep the house and the country club membership 'for the boys', which I don't think he'll be able to do, at least not keep the house.

I am very scared. Scared for my safety, scared to stay, scared to go. Scared of living the rest of my life in this empty purgatory, turning into a bitter old woman. Yet scared of supporting myself on the other side. I don't think I am afraid of being alone. I try to picture myself in a cute little old cottage, with a garden and dogs, and friends and sons in and out. But I am still very scared. I am having so much trouble getting past this step!
louiseshaw louiseshaw
51-55, F
7 Responses May 22, 2012

Appears that your lawyer does NOT have your confidence.<br />
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That is no basis upon which to proceed.<br />
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Source a different one.<br />
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As far as your husband and his assorted shenanigans, well it's interesting, and may provide you with some ammo and leverage to get this thing done - but apart from that it's irrelevant, and not a matter under your control.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I agree entirely. A new lawyer - or at very leaast, a second opinion from another lawyer - is called for. Perhaps seek advice from a female attorney?

Sorry for what you are going thnrough. For whatever reason's your husband has it would seemed he has totalled up your bill in the marriage and presented it to you in no uncertain terms.<br />
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Time for you to do the same. I agree with you regarding his budget. If he has $3,000 a month as advertised to spend on escorts he sure as hell can pay you $3000 a month plus expenses.<br />
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You need to be ruthless here. Aim as high as possible than go from there. If your lawyer doesn't want to play ball he is most likely looking for a quick settlement and a quick buck from you. <br />
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Remember at the end of the day you are paying your lawyer, if he wont follow your instructions i suggest you find a lawyer that will.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Wow...What an ******** *******. Drain him so dry that he'll have to jump in a lake to get a drink. You deserve all you can get from him, fully and completely. <br />
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One thing that crosses my mind is why these terrible spouses think they are entitled to behave this way. All of those, what he thinks, are secrets are just proof that his loser *** has to pay someone to spend time with him.<br />
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Try and laugh off as much of his behavior as possible til the day of reckoning and the final papers are signed and sealed then laugh right in his face as you walk away singing "cha-ching"...<br />
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~Best Wishes

I find it quite a sad commentary on his character that he's willing to spend up to $3k a month for a sugar baby but treats you so horribly. These young women on those sites do not know what they are in for, do they?

No these foolish old men do not know what they are in for. These women trick them into bringing them out from their third world countries, marry them for citizenship than claim domestic abuse and bleed them dry. I work in this field. If he is visiting these websites he truly has some much awaited karma coming his way!

These foolish old men get what they paid for.

Take him to the bank!<br />
What an A$$, be strong, stick to the plan, and don't worry too much soon you'll be laughing.<br />
{{{{HUGS}}}

Stay strong. <br />
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I think you should bleed your cheater-refuser dry.

*hugs* What a horrible thing to find. I know it must be frightening, but you know you're doing the right thing, and in the end, I do believe it will work out just fine for you. Hang in there.