Intimacy Let's Play

There's a lot of talk in some of the groups here about intimacy and mostly it seems to be about the lack of it. I suppose it means different things to different people because we all have our own perspective. To me intimacy with a woman I love includes the right to touch and be touched without restriction. I've always felt that touching someone is the best of enjoying each others company. I'm for Saturday morning wrestling matches under the sheets, and I would probably let you win. Because by participating you have given me a wonderful gift. I'm for sharing laughs that turn into hugs, that turn into kisses, that turn into (use your imagination). I'm for going places together just for fun, picnics in the park, a day at the beach, exploring antique stores, whatever we can do together. That's the key to it all together, and unless there is intimacy that doesn't happen much.

People these days tend to get distracted by all the rush of our little rat races that we build for ourselves and we forget what's really important. When we marry someone we are giving our being into the care of someone that we trust and cherish and we expect that they will look out for our welfare as we are expected to do the same for them. Which is right and proper, but so many people become so wrapped up in themselves that they have no room for someone else's cares and concerns in their lives and intimacy dies. We often lose sight of the fact that our mate is supposed to be the center of our lives. When we do that we hurt not only someone that is supposed to be our mate but ourselves because we then miss the best part of being married.

It often feels to me that what we are missing is the ability to play and enjoy just being together. I think being able to play together is a key item in developing an intimate relationship. I suppose I can be horrible at times I've been known to slip up behind my mate and slip an ice cube into the back of her pants or to do some other similarly dastardly deed. But it's an invitation to come and play, I would gladly take a water balloon if it means I get a good hug and maybe a sloppy kiss. In this day and age there is so little fun to be had that we have to create it for ourselves and I think that's missing in a lot of marriages. I might tease you because I know you blush so prettily but it's done from love, then I might want to explore to see just how far that blush extends into certain interesting areas that I never tire of exploring. As we get jaded by life we lose that sense of exploration and silliness that really makes life tolerable. I will write goober poetry and buy crazy gifts and do anything that I think might please you out of love as long as you care for me and make me feel loved. 

Sadly many relationships have lost this magic and in many it was never there to begin with. But it makes life so much better and eases us through the tough parts. If I'm passing through the kitchen and I happen to see that lovely bottom available for a quick grope I probably will, it's not to aggravate you, it's a promise that I'm still attracted to you. If you find my attention to be an aggravation then it surely means that there is no longer love in your heart for me. If I seem inappropriate at times, well I probably am because my drum marches a little differently than most. The saddest thing is when people start pushing each other away and give up the best part of life. If I have given you my heart I have promised to find you endlessly fascinating, but I want more from you than to be tolerated. All I ask is that you be concerned for me and make an effort to make sure that I know it. Being lonely in marriage is the worst possible thing that we do to each other and there is really no excuse for this. If the day comes when you can no longer find it in your heart to desire me then set me free, it will hurt but it's far kinder than to hold me prisoner until I waste away. 
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37 Responses May 22, 2012

says it so well

Yes, yes, and yes. Iam alone most of the time.... the dinner table is missing someone, who is busy at the computer. There is no one to play with and even do those things that don't cost money. We can't this weekend because there is a game on... we can't this weekend because Hockey, Football, online gaming....
Is this what marriage is suppose to be? I thought we had a child to be a family? Instead, I'm in the kitchen alone, at the grocery store with my child, alone... everywhere and alone.

The one good thing about having a long-term relationship crumble is that you learn a lot about how that happens, and hopefully some ideas about how not to let it happen again. I think you're absolutely right about the touching and playfulness - it's a crucial part of keeping the intimacy alive.

What is this "touch" from your spouse you speak of? I think I have had it happen to me, a long time ago, in galaxy far far away...

my thoughts!!! your words!!!


Thank you, Warriorpoett! So many of the things you mention,are so familiar. (Grabbing a handful of butt, or, yes, even a boob, and the ice cube! Those are things I enjoyed for many years, and now I'm looking for someone else to share those moments with. It was really hard, for the last 6 months of her life, to see her in so much pain, and not able to speak, but she winked often. That was our unspoken "I love you" for 49 years! Cancer of the brain didn't even quash her intamacy. Just two days before she passed away, she took my hand, and put it on the soft, silky hair on "our spot". I have so many happy memories with her, and she was highly sexual. So, thanks again for jogging all the memories!!

Oh God I thought I was over the 'grief' part of it. I guess I'd just managed not to look directly at the memory of years of joyful play. <br />
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Remembering how we were made me remember that I used to believe neither of us would let go of that. <br />
I've seen people gradually forget about it, and people who've forgotten it, and people who never seemed to have it but I wouldn't have believed anyone (especially my lover) would just stop it cold - and sink into himself until he was too far away to feel like coming back to it. <br />
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Spending years feeling like it must be a temporary aberration or spending years gradually drifting apart, either way it's years of loneliness. My heart goes out to you. You can only write clearly if you see clearly, and seeing clearly the value of something you loved and couldn't have... hurts. <br />
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I admire the poet in you for your skill, and the warrior in you for your will to make your loss into something that benefits others.

I too, would never have believed it. He used to love to hold me, kiss me.
All that's gone now.

I cried reading this..I'm single and I wish that when I settle down I wannt to stay in love forever with the man I chose to be with..its sad to know that marraiges can fail and love get jaded..but I believe in second chances, u opened up so many eyes..congrats and I hope u work out ur marraige :)

How long have u been married? You sound beautiful but so sad... Maybe ur with the wrong 1... There r many fish n the sea.. Or maybe sit down with ur wife n talk to her. Find out what is really goin on... Time is of the essence..

Reading this make me realized that maybe I am the one that has fallen out of Love with my husband.....We hardly ever have sex and when we do, my mind fantasies being with another man......I am very close to setting him free however I think, its not too late to fix it with open communication and slow steps...Whats the sense of a vow when you do not fight to keep it.

What a great post, WP. You are right that 'play' should be at the heart of it all - that teasing, flirty, tactile, sneaking kisses or the grope of a behind in a public place when it is naughty. I recently became involved with someone outside my marriage (:( but this was what we did a lot - including the pillow fight in the hotel bedroom, the knees groped under the restaurant table, sailing up the river on a dinghy and ending up in the reeds (and more!). I miss it so. Sigh.

I am amazed at how well you write. I read your stories and see exactly what my marriage is lacking. We used to have these things, but the interest and desire does not seem to be there from him anymore. It is so sad that i see the end in sight when I used to have this.

My husband complains about the same thing you posted regularly and I feel awful that he feels so deprived and abandoned. I'm like the worst wife. I work late while he stays at home. We live in different worlds. In my job I am competing with 20 year olds (Im a 41 yr old web developer) who know a lot more than I do because they do nothing but code day and night. I'm a contractor so I'm always having to look for the next gig, a lot of times facing rejection in my interviews. I have a 1 1/2 hour commute so by the time I get home I'm very tired and cranky and I just want to watch TV on my iPad. On the weekend I force myself to do stuff with the kids but mostly just wind up watching TV all day to escape. I eat crap and feel very unattractive. I managed to sign up for tae Kwan do lessons which I do with one of my sons after work and really enjoy it. My husband is overwhelmed by our two boys who never eat what he cooks and make the house look like a tornado has hit it. They are wonderful but pretty much act like animals unless we keep on them. Being a drill Sargent is no fun and extremely exhausting. I have a hard time with discipline so I just hand the kids off to him and hide in our bedroom while he yells and gets frustrated with the kids. So I mostly see him yelling which upsets me but I can understand. I love sci-fi and vampire shows which are a turn on to me but he thinks they are stupid. He loves politics so I try to read stuff on line to talk to him but I have no interest in it at all so mostly zone out when he talks. He's also into History and photograhpy but I couldn't care less. He loves to cook and I hate to cook. Most of the stuff he makes is awesome but he is so fed up he just defrosts frozen crap I try to be supportive but I wish we could meet on commen ground. We used to run a business together which allowed us to be creative together which was awesome but now it does not seem possible. I love to try new athletic things which is another turn on but I can hardly get him out of the house. Then he wants to do erotic things like take pictures of me and sexy play and I'm like 'Really?'. I want to say 'But I can't even talk to you. We can't have any non-sexual fun. We are both overweight and don't care what we look like. The house is a mess. Any time we spend any money to try something fun we feel like crap because we should have more in savings. Reality keeps intruding on the fantasy. It's great you can let all of that go but I can't'. I actually tell him this and he just doesn't get it. We go to couples therapy every week. Sometimes I'm actually having a good week and feel happy but then he complains about the lack of sex in our relationship and I feel like crap again, constantly reminded of how deprived he is. For an outlet he sex chats on Yoville and EP and writes erotic stories. I guess I've gotten used to it but for the most part it makes me feel inadequate. His stories are actually pretty good. I like erotic stories and am happy he has a creative outlet. But I still have a hard time having sex with him most of the time. Every once in a while I'm really into it but most of the time I'm not. Sometimes I wish he would just ask for a divorce so he can be with someone who satisfies him but he says he does not want to because he loves me so much. I love him too but this 'thing' between us is driving a wedge between us.

Reading this I realize my husband and I really need to take some time out and have some non sexual fun together before we can play sexually. I'm going to talk to him about this today!

Outstanding WP, outstanding. Will raise a glass your way.

Excellent story, I've searched high and low to find any success stories. Yours is the first really good one I've seen. I hope to feel this once with a woman, but I wont get my hopes up, I'm 29 and yet to even get a date. I thought once that a relationship is what I'm missing, but therapists and family members have convinced me that I could never handle being in a relationship. I want to say screw it and go try dating, but I believe them and there's no sign that It's something I'm even capable of. But right now I'm so depressed deep down, just gets worse. I have a feeling I'll only live another 10 years. With all the talk of suicide of in our house from other family members it really gets to me. Thanks for making me feel better.

I think what you wrote perfectly describes the way the heart feels when it's trapped. You have the depth and desire for limitless ex<x>pression with the one you love and yet you are left in a sense of empty limbo by your love who doesn't share the depth or recognise the intimate oasis two people can create.<br />
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You have that depth and intensity and it's something you deserve to share with someone who deserves it and who understands that play is the ex<x>pression of love.

I love your story. It really speaks to a common downfall in partnerships, often marriage. The downfall of inattention and lack of appreciation. You have hit the head of the nail squarely. Sadly, in my case, I think my partner was always clear that he wasn't too interested in playfulness on a regular basis. The poor fellow didn't like my sense of humour and other things about my personality and I guess it was just our compatibility that made us hook up. We did really well but it was just that picture on the mantle kind of thing. I have since had a short relationship (two years) with a man who was lovely in so many ways but I wasn't willing to share his attention. It was fun being with him though. Great memories.

(Ahhhh) thanks so much for sharing this...

WP, I remember a time (a long time) when my ex and I regularly had those wrestling matches under the sheets, sometimes a dance in the living room just because and we even had chase-you-around-the-house-with-an-icecube-or-a-pillowfight battles. On occasion we had full on Nerf wars in the house - I know, bad role models for children but we were actually trying to teach them not to forget to play. <br />
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I also recall that for many years no matter what was going on I sought him out for a kiss - a real loving kiss, not a vulture peck - at least once a day and stole a moment of just arms around him tenderness.<br />
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I honestly couldn't pinpoint when all of that really ended.<br />
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The loving kisses became quick pecks and then stopped maybe a bit more than two years ago, a little less than a year after the sexlessness got really chronically bad. The playful fun continued a little while longer I think but less frequently. I couldn't tell you exactly until when.<br />
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He still wanted to play, just not with me. He wanted to play video games and go bowling with his coworkers. So I was home alone, knowing that if he were with me he would be grumpy and unhappy so it was better that he was out. But at the same time my preference was to have someone with me because they wanted to be with me, playful because they liked to see me laugh and laugh with me. I didn't just want sex, I wanted it all. All that intimacy, all that play.<br />
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So out he went with his interesting coworkers and online to play video games with people who were new and captured his attention. I was no longer shiny, new or interesting. I was the person who resented the 6 hours of daily video games or the nights out with coworkers until 3am sometimes 2-3 nights a week. <br />
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Oh Wp, this post really made me think back. I had that intimacy. I didn't have the greatest catch for a husband. He wasn't particularly hot, particularly wealthy, smarter than your average bear, nicer than others - but we did have those moments that sustained the relationship for many years, even the ones outside the bedroom. Then one day it went poof. He went bowling and played online video games and I was standing there dumbfounded wondering where my sex life, my intimacy and my relationship had gone.

Change, you really touched my heart here. It makes me weepy and nostalgic for what was and what could've continued living but died somewhere between jobs and mortgages and family. Dumbfounded and Bewildered describes it perfectly.

Thanks guys. It's hard to reflect back and realize what I had and I lost. But it means I can get it back with someone new, too. :)

Oh your words enchanted me. Sometimes I wonder if there is love like this only in movies or in stories. My heart longs for this so severly.

Your article is so long that exhaust my patience .so,l really sorry about...

after years of this kind of rejection from my wife, I always think the phrase (and I dont know who wrote it) all men live lives of quiet desperation.

Thats so sad i m a guy who once had a woman like that so i feel your pain and now i have to start all over again because she thought i was annoying and left me for another

Fortunately, I am not there yet. But I do see shades around... Saving a sexless marriage is probably very important... I don't know if an extra-marital affair helps... Have only seen them in the movies where they helped! Don't know for sure and am not too adventurous to try...<br />
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I have had to keep my levels in control on several occasions. And sometimes, I feel it might be more than sex that brings in intimacy. My wife isn't adventurous about sex. Neither is she 'free'... always holds back... If she enjoys a session, she is too scared to do it again because she wants to maintain it to that 'special status'! Definitely not open to experimentation... But yes, slowly, we are trying to understand each other's rhythm... and an occasional 'unplanned experiment' gives us a fresh breeze... Well, don't know if that helps, but spirituality definitely is the next thing... to tame the beast to 'hang on' for a better day...

- well i feel like that is a basic opinion , because ethier way im a gone talk about sex in whatever group i want to talk about it in . so i mean people think different a i feel like that is a ba<x>sed opinion or statement .

Ah, being Playful ! I think that is what I miss the most.

this is a sad thing thing to happen in a marriage but a r too when put time in then you see for what there are most of the time cant help what we feel when the feeling is gone it is why some we can not explain it you know the that loveing feeling poisonivy69

I'm not married...but I have to say, this whole thing really moved me. I grew up seeing my parents have fun together, they really are each other's best friends. And my boyfriend and I are the same way. I saw my last relationship going the same way. No more fun, no more more real love. It was a...a very sad journey. In the end, it was determined that I couldn't live like that...and I had to find my best friend. It's the best thing to know that the one person that you love with all of your the one person that knows you best, wants you best...and will stick with you and keep the rain clouds at bay when they can...or share an umbrella if they can't.

Awesome words of wisdom WP. Always a joy to read your writings. :)

We had all that - we used to play....explore little hole in the wall restaurants, candle factories and art print-houses in the middle of no where.....<br />
<br />
......but illness and a willingness to accept what it brought on her have stolen it. She has lost the will to do these, and the touching that usually came from all that.<br />
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I am still alive.....I still feel wonder, relaxation at an incredibly deep level from a light dragging touch, desire, passion and all of those things that make life great. And I miss all of the above....<br />
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May time be kind to me while I wait for the moment where I can be free to live all of these wonders again.....may it be kind to all of us.....

No I play without her......

...occasionally I play *very lightly* with another......

But did I not get married to play with the whole of the art of playing?

It is the missing bits that drive us here....and crazy. I do not know the tunnels end at this point. I just know it will end. And then I will play in the full light of day.

I have just had my heart broken by the simple naked truth of my situation because of your words...<br />
All i can ask now is<br />
Wanna Play?<br />
joyinthejourney, clg

I will tell you the same thing you said to me about my H "she's an idiot" if you make love as well as you speak, then she's really a tart!

... I hear it's like riding a bike and that you never forget, so maybe you should give her a good peddling under the blankets and say "opps I was dreaming" .

With the right woman I have no doubt you'd be able to pick up and carry on just wonderfully.

joyinthejourney, clg

You summed it up so well ... I had to get back on track reading it though, I was off wrestling in bed under the covers in some far away fantasy.

will you marry me? lulz... i'd enjoy that teasing and all that attention... i miss it so much.

WP - thanks for posting this. It is beautifully written. So many people behave as if marriage and, even more often, successful procreation is the end game of loving and being intimate with their spouse. They get mired in the day to day grind and forget that the very sanctuary for them to retreat to at the end of each day is right there where the spouse is. In return, they are the very person with whom their spouse can find solace and be playful after a long day at work or with the kids. They lost the courage to be silly and become this rigid set of to-do lists. <br />
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"If the day comes and you can no longer find it in your heart to desire me, then set me free." That is so true.

powerful quote
i have,
in my own lilway
begged to be released
before it(lack of alll affection, touch, sensuality,passion)
KILLS me...
almost died inside
working my way slowly
but surley
to the light...

joyinthejourney, clg

It's infinitely sad when your life with your partner becomes just a series of negotiations instead of a life of simple pleasures.

Roommates. *sigh*


DB2, I have more closeness with my current roommate than I did my ex there at the end. Roommates can be great! Estranged spouses living under the same roof aren't even roommates in my opinion. It's worse than that.

do not negotiate3 with
t6hat would be my refusing H...
joyinthejourney, clg

those are the true words.........not having to pretend.

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Being lonely in marriage is the worst possible thing that we do to each other <br />
<br />
Those words speak volumes to me. The fact that there is no chance for play in my marriage anymore is something I think I miss more then the sex. The not being afraid to be silly and maybe even look stupid sometimes just to garner a smile or laugh is a loss that hurts far deeper for me. Knowing I have to hold that in or risk being ridiculed or told to act my age is something I choose not hear so I have stopped being me.

Thanks Sinmet, but I've gotten past the point where it matters.

Right now due to his illness I'm not planning on leaving. What will happen down the road I'll deal with when it happens.

wow id tell my wife to kiss my &amp;^% and go smoke a fat skunk some drink ok time for three our four, sorry cant drink here. but any ways to hell with that tell that persion point blank to kiss your *&amp;^ and walk out. don't come back in the same room for some time. Me, that pissis me off just to here that a person would bully someone almost mentaly

I feel you
joyinthejourney, clg

thanks...I think we all feel some of what we all are going through. It's so helpful to maintaining sanity to know others really "get" where you're coming from.

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