While Waiting For The Dawn

I am walking my dog and running out of breath. Heart is overbeating and overstressed. Physically, I am in good shape, I can run miles. Tonight, walking is requiring super strength. I have to tell my leg at each step, one more. You can do it. One more. You can do this. And tomorrow you will walk into the courtroom, and face your demons. Tomorrow you will say goodbye…
I can do this. I want to do this. I am ready…Gosh, after all, I still love him. I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to see him. He can just be somewhere out there. Exist without ever running into each other again………. I can do this. I can, right?
Please don’t let me cry tomorrow. Please! I don’t pray much anymore, but I think tonight I will.
My, STBXH, please forgive me for putting you though this. I need to be me again. I am almost in one piece again. But there are still some serious holes. And that one hole in my heart is making it hard to breathe tonight. I will miss you.
I ordered too much take-out food and could barely swallow half of it, even chewing food is a challenge. Let there be sunrise soon, so we can just get it over with. This road has been too long, I have too many battle scars from it. Tomorrow it shall end by a judge’s stamp. It has to. I am claiming myself back. This should be my last SM story. If all goes well, you shall find me in “I left a sexless marriage and have no regrets” group ;)
ohh I think my heart will jump out through my throat…countdown is now in hours.
Kimstarway Kimstarway
31-35, F
12 Responses May 22, 2012

Just keep breathing and looking forward. The best is yet to come. Good Luck.

Now...for the rest of the gauntlet...just a bit more...you may at unexpected moments experience waves of guilt or doubt....just breathe through them....they do subside. Take the time to acknowledge the feelings....then continue, one step at a time. It may take a bit of time to adjust and you will. Blessings on reclaiming your life. Be well.

It's 24 hours on Kim, and I am betting that you survived !!!!<br />
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Yes, indeed! The scarry stuff was just all in my head, as always!

I won't congratulate you because the death of a marriage is never a happy thing. I will say "good luck and good journey" because you can move forward.<br />
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*Hugs*<br />
<br />
Princess HardToArticulateThatFeeling

Thank you :) I will try not to screw things up so much for myself again

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all go into our marriages believing they will last forever and be wonderful for both. I'm truly sorry yours didn't happen that way - as I grieve for all of us. I do hope it went as well as could be expected. *Hugs*

I hope everyything is signed & sealed and you can look at your H and your marriage through the rear view mirror and see your H ob<x>jectively, for what he really is. <br />

Two minutes after standing in front of judge, H displayed some behaviour that reminded me just why I had to go. Rear view mirror is working well :)

wait wait....EX H ..ahhhr I better get used to this! LOL

Enjoy your freedom and time you have for reflection.

Congrats Kim. I'm also trying to get used to saying EX.

1 More Response

Stay strong. I am praying for you too.

It is a myth that we stop loving. Most of us keep right on loving our spouses and the grief of parting is very real and very painful. Tears are totally to be expected.<br />
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Hold tight to the fact that this IS what you need to do, even when your heart is protesting. Your mind is the thing to rely on at this time - your heart is likely to be treacherous to the genuine Kim!<br />
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Make sure you let us know how it goes. And, as you walk into that courtroom, look behind you for a moment. There, unseen but yet present, are all your ILIASM friends supporting and encouraging you. {{{hugs}}}

I did imagine my ILIASM family behind me. It was, thaks to an easy going comedian judge, completely ordinary and emotionally far from what was really taking place!

You can do this...one foot in front of the other. Breathe - you are almost through the gauntlet. One life to live.

There's nothing wrong in crying or still loving him. As you beautifully put it, you just can't live like this. <br />
This too shall pass and you WILL be stronger and happier.

Cry if you need to. It won't hurt anything.

It seems everything I am reading tonight is like an arrow, straight to the heart.<br />
Your words so touched me; they were warm, sad, reflective, and so from your heart.<br />
God be with you tomorrow as you take thos final courageous steps...<br />
findjoyinyourjourney, clg

Thanks for sharing this journey all the way back from when you joined in April last year.<br />
<br />
Nearly there.<br />
<br />
And, you'll conduct yourself brilliantly tomorrow. But I doubt that you get a prize for not crying, so go with the flow. <br />
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Tread your own path.