Filing For Divorce

I spoke to my lawyer and she said since everything seems amicable I should be able to file for divorce on my own. So last night I brought up a few things that need to be settled and he just got quiet. Finally he spoke up saying, I dont like to talk about this....... and that ended that. I am filling out all the paperwork and I am guessing need to have a conversation with him about everything once again. He is still acting as if everything is not happening and that is not healthy. I also need him to understand what is going on and to be willing to sign everything and get it notarized. I know this isnt easy for either of us, and it hurts. But he cant pretend that we were more than friends for the last 3 years.
He told my Mom that I wasnt trying that he went to counseling and was trying to get help and I am the one who just gave up on us. I was upset when she told me that. For years I tried to find out what was wrong with him and his stomach and his other 100 excuses he had for not wanting sex, I feel so stupid for taking him to all those doctor appointments and falling for his excuses for years. I am mad at myself for thinking that one day he would want me as much as I wanted him. Now he is all sullen and sad because he is still in love with me, and for a while I felt awful for that but now I keep wondering how on Earth a man who is in love with someone can treat them the way he did. I am just frustrated with the way he is acting as if nothing is wrong or happening and if he smiles and talks about what is going on around him it wont exist.
NotAFairyTale NotAFairyTale
31-35, F
8 Responses May 23, 2012

He was in denial for a long time, NAFT. <br />
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I vote for you to move ahead with your plans...you can always reunite if things change; it's been known to happen. <br />
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But I always think of one primary thing about your ex. The ****. Has that changed? Will it?<br />
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For me, that would be the tipping point, but...that's just me.<br />
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(hugs)<br />
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-MR

I do not mean to be harsh but it seems your spouse is remorseful because he is losing all the perks of having been married to you. You have made many compromises along the way. When you feel like faltering, just remember that marriage is cooperation, not compromise and your spouse did neither and it is highly unlikely he will start now.

You are right. He has really enjoyed me taking care of him. I have started to see how little we are partners in everything. I am usually exhausted after doing everything and I look over and he is napping. I used to think we were great partners but usually that means two are working together. He doesnt do anything. So if I am going to do it alone I might as well only have to take care of me and my babies much easier!

" Now he is all sullen and sad because he is still in love with me... " <br />
He is faking it.

Divorce is NOT contingent upon the other person agreeing to it, or necessarily being terribly happy about it.<br />
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This is the price he pays for his past behaviour.<br />
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He chose his behaviour.<br />
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Then you chose your response to that behaviour. <br />
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Co-incidently, he gets some collateral damage from your choice. Just like you were collateral damage to his chosen behaviour.<br />
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The world of choice is a harsh and hard landscape, and no-one gets a pass on it. You pretty much know and accept that fact. He's still looking for a free pass. Free passes don't exist. Some-one pays.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I suggest you explain to your mother that he is only NOW attempting to "save" the marriage because HE wants to remain married. That his idea of marriage is that he gets everything he wants and you get none of what you want. And it is THAT type of marriage that he wants to save!<br />
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Tell her that it is well known that those people who ONLY seek help when the other partner has reached the stage of "divorce" are certainly not about to change the way they behave. That continuing your marriage at this time would simply be more of what has gone on previously.<br />
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His "going to counselling" is not about him being willing to make genuine changes but about trying to make you believe that he will . . . it is a ploy that is very well recognised by those who are in the same situation.<br />
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If she asks how you know all this, tell her you have been seeking advice and support from a support group. And that you have come to realise that, although some of the information is very hard to hear, you recognise that this is the truth because literally thousands of couples have gone down this path before you.<br />
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Wishing you the very best of luck with your divorce.

Thank you Enna, I heed your advice about giving myself 48 hours to rethink taking him back whenever those thoughts run through my head. He tells me tonight that he feels like crap for how much he hurt me and that he feels we can save our marriage but he is not sure where my emotions lie on that subject. I said I want more than a friendship in a marriage I want intimacy and he says I can give that to you..... I said well I dont want it from you anymore. And to be honest I dont think he can. He went to counseling a few times and his meetings twice and then stopped. It was to show me that he was trying but his effort was sad and pathetic just like how he tried our whole marriage and how he will try at the intimacy now. I dont want to hear his lies anymore. I do everything for him and I think he is scared to be out of his comfort zone.

"Now he is all sullen and sad because he is still in love with me, and for a while I felt awful for that but now I keep wondering how on Earth a man who is in love with someone can treat them the way he did." He is sullen because you have shaken up the status quo...keep up the good work :-)<br />
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My stbx is moving out in 6 weeks. He still on occasion (like, this past weekend) remarks that I am welcome to come join him in his new house whenever I come to my senses and realize what a terrible mistake I'm making. Denial aplenty...<br />
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Speaking of getting a Bad Guy T-shirt...he (also) lamented this past weekend that "this was supposed to be our best summer ever," and that I have ruined it. I'll take a women's size medium, please...<br />
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In addition, there have been claims of chest pain and sleeplessness. <br />
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It's what "they" do...stick to your guns...you're doing the right thing. Be persistent...he'll eventually get the message and relent.

When you reflect on it, logically, it is just a continuation of a persistent habit of self-denial. Nothing has changed in his behaviour even though his circumstances are rapidly changing. He can't really deny that he let the opportunity to act differently pass him by now that you only have a one-way ultimatum to offer him. That is trying to revise history. I would assume your mother was not fooled by his protests for a moment. He is in almost all certainty trying to retain the status quo in the face of all the evidence to the contrary. And I wouldn't be too concerned about him not understanding what is happening. He knows only too well but just doesn't like it and if you think he doesn't that just serves his possible cause.<br />
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May I say that I feel sorrier for him than you? Would that make any sense?

I feel sorry for him to.

So sorry your going through this.