I Have Feelings Of Hate About What You've Done To Our Marriage

Where do I begin? Not so simple as I reflect back over the 10 years we have been married. You seemed like such a great guy before I married you. We would have fun and do so many things together and sex was at least 5 times aweek. One month after I married you the sex had almost stopped. We adopted 2 babies and we were enoying them so much yet, the sex had almost stopped. So I ask, what gives? I was very supportive and understanding to him as I tried to find out what the problem was. I even asked if he was gay and his answer was, no I'm not gay. Seems a man would get real upset with his wife asking him if he was gay but he didn't. His answer was I just don't think about sex! Really? Three years into the marriage now and I can count on one hand how many times we had sex. After all had I known this was part of the bargain I never would have married him yet now I have two small children. So we move to another state and gonna start a new life right? Ha we just continued on as before and I tried numerous times to talk to him about it with no success. Approximately one year later when we were out of town I guess the sex fairy visited him and out of the clear blue he decided to put the moves on me but I was done by then. I left him for about 1 1/2 years but came back because of the children but things never changed. He is very passive aggressive, he taunts the children and acts more like a chick than I do! The only time he has anything to do with the children is when they are in public playing baseball or at the school because its like he gets the attention. He is socially retarded and appears to study people and the way they act and then appears to mimic certain behaviors. He moved out of the bedroom while I was gone with the children for 2 months and stays there most of the time. When he gets home from work he goes upstairs in his room and closes the door and only emerges to eat dinner, yell at the kids while he is downstairs or speak to me with pure disdain. He holds unreasonable grudges and blames everyone else but himself. He lives in the past constantly like 30 years ago and will get rid of nothing he owned as he grew up, he has his first car rotting in the backyard! So back to the sexless marriage it has been 6 years without any! He tells my children who are now almost 8&9 that mommy is always angry, ya think! I wonder why! I am so unhappy and resentful of him because of his behavior. You can tell by talking to him that he feels he is totally blameless and thats scary. My older child is starting to react to him with disdain because of my husbands taunting. He tells my mother he is the better parent because he has them on a schedule that I refuse to enforce. His schedule is what ever benefits him, not the children. He wants to be able to shove them in their rooms and keep them quiet so he can lay around and sleep or play on his computer. If that doesnt work he either threatens them or spanks them, great parenting skills. I try not to leave them with him and I take them with me and he can't stand it. It's like he's jealous or resentful of the kids. I know he has all kinds of money hidden away but dont know how to find it because he does everything by computer. I have felt so alone and frustrated for so many years and I hate living this way. I hate bringing him to anything of the children's because he acts like an *** making stupid comments and doing this weird bow thing to people like he's some kind of foreigner. I told him to stop because people think he's weird but when he lived overseas as a young teen I guess he thought it looked cool so he said he was brought up that way and he won't stop. Such a crock cause his father doesn't do that. I know I'm rambling but he makes me CRAZY!
hyesuk hyesuk
51-55, F
12 Responses May 23, 2012

Been about a month since I last posted. I think I have things moving in the right direction. I have had several hits for a job and have been secretly taking the children to a therapist. I have changed my tactics with him and no matter what I do not let him rile me up, I think it's driving him nuts! I just smile to myself and think your going down, your not as smart as you think you are . I know I can't change him and have no desire to. I can barely stomach being in the same room as him but I'm waiting and I got a plan. He will never know what hit him. I am so glad to have found this site, where other people know or have experienced what I'm going through . Thank you

Stay strong! Keep working towards your own exit and protect yourself and your children as you do so. We are here to support you as you move towards your resolution.

his wired bow thing, reminds me of southern's who will lay on the southern accent heavy / thick to get attention when they visit or moved to a new local where no one speaks with a southern accent..... <br />
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by the way ur refuser is a lot like my refuser... i can relate

Google the word DIVORCE! <br />
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www DOT secretdivorce DOT com<br />
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By the way, you are not the only woman in our group who talks about anger. I have heard it from women and most of them are embarrassed to admit it openly. <br />
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Your anger is normal. That is the way God wired us. Imagine you and your husband living 10,000 years ago without the comforts of modern affluent life -- without milk and honey flowing freely from the tax-payer's wallet. Your survival ( and the survival of any children involved ) would depend on you rejecting your unloving husband and finding a man who really loves you, if for no other reasons but to help you feed or protect your young kids and keep everybody warm at night. <br />
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Mankind is not wired to raise children alone.

Just in case the word God hurts anybody's feelings, I suppose you could ask who has a competitive advantage: the children of refusers or the children of loving couples who have sex every night.

im angery towards my refuser... ill admit it up front ... im angry as hell and im not going to take it any more,

Reply | Delete

Sounds like a true narcissist as GibbySan pointed out. The sleeping in seperate rooms, not interacting and taunting are all signs of a narcissist. They are passive aggressive.<br />
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In his mind he is punishing you for something. Dont even bother to try and work out what it is because knowing a narcissist it could be something as trivial as leaving the toilet seat down.<br />
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The question is how long are you prepared to keep being fed a sh..t sandwich from him?<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

yea my first refuser would punish me for leaving the carton of milk infront of the hot dogs in the fridge... daaaa so stupid.... im surprised he didnt have the food all lined up colored cordinated.

Re-do what you did one and a half years ago, but this time do it properly.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Hate is good at times like this because it should propel you into action. Naturally you are concerned about being unemployed, but you will find that he has to support you and your children - at least until you get a job. In addition, the assets you have will be divided (equally in most cases) so you will have financial support.<br />
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What you need to do first is to find out about divorce in your own jurisdiction. If you cannot afford to see a lawyer privately, contact your nearest Women's Health centre or Women's Refuge for advice. Or see a local trusted charity and ask them to help you access legal advice. These organisations usually can arrange referrals to legal services that are free or low cost. Some lawyers offer their services pro bono to assist people in these situations.

Wow. Your husband doesn't need help, he just needs to fall down a well.

Please let me clarify my comments. The 2 examples I gave concerning my husband and their health issues were isolated incidents. Because of the first incident I stopped working late and made sure I was there in the afternoon when they came home from daycare. The incident with my son was his opinion, which I obviously didnt listen to him and promptly brought him to the doctor. I make all decisions concerning my childrens health care because of his serious lack of parenting skills. My children are with me 99% of the time and I am not a shrinking violet. The financial is an issue because I'm not working and staying home with my children. My husband taunts everyone, he's kinda snide but it is inappropriate as he has been told many times. Because I am so strong willed and stand up to him and protect my children is why he makes my life miserable because I'm not giving over the control that he so desperately craves. Again wheather I leave him or not he is still the children's father and by law will have access to them. The examples I have given concerning his treatment are not an everyday occurence simply because he chooses not to have anything to do with us it's the rare occasions when he does interact he acts like a jerk and the kids have picked up on it.

If your husband continues to abuse your children and you do NOTHING to get them away from him, you will ALSO be charged with child abuse. If you CANNOT get away for ANY OTHER REASON (like COMMON SENSE) then think about your life in JAIL when your daughter next gets denied health care and the police come to take you BOTH away...<br />
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I cannot even FATHOM why you think it is ok to continue to expose your children to this abuse.

Neglecting their health issues? Psychological torture? (taunting ) Financial abuse? Emotional neglect......<br />
For the love of your children and all that is good in this world, listen to mvc, please.

Thanks, I really do feel crazy sometimes. I do know that when I take the children and leave for summer vacations with them I am happy and dread when it's time to come home. I guess I'm afraid I won't be able to support my children and my ill mother that lives with me if I leave. Also afraid if I did leave he would take it out on the children when he has them. He is that kind of person. He thinks because they are children they don't have feelings like adults or feel pain. My son had a serious tooth infection that the doctor said would have killed him had we let it go and my husband told me not to take him to the doctor he would be fine cause it was only a baby tooth. My daughter dislocated her shoulder while I was at work when she was 3 years old. There was company at the house when it happened and instead of him bringing her to the ER he went in the bedroom with her and locked the door so no one could come in and just layed her in the bed(she was in shock) until I came home 3 hours later and found her like that and rushed her to the hospital. I'm scared for my children if I'm not around. He would let them suffer

O.M.G. GET THE CHILDREN THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS ABUSIVE A$$HOLE ... WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!!!!

I second that!

I could have written this! We've been married a few years longer and have three kids but the rest is the same. It'll make you crazy. I'm trying to get out. It's the only way I'll ever have a normal life. Sorry you are going through that, I totally understand.