Lots Of Sex... Until We Got Married

I met my, now husband, just over 7 years ago. We have been together ever since and were married in August (2011) our relationship has always been filled with passion and we had a very active sex life. When we got engaged we had said we wanted to stop having sex until our wedding night. Well we tried but still ended up having sex at least once a week, that was trying not to. After we got married and went on our honeymoon it was just as I thought it would be, hours spent in our hotel suite. The last two nights of our honeymoon we didn't have sex at all. I just put it aside and thought we had had so much sex that he just needed to recoup. Well weeks went by after we got home and nothing. It went from about every 2 weeks between sex to now once every 2 months. Each time we have sex the length between the next time gets longer. This year we have had sex twice and its the end of May. Plus the sex just isn't as exciting or passionate any more, now its just strictly missionary and really short. I try to drop hints or start kissing him and I just get pushed away. It seriously has made me feel horrible about myself and that I am the problem. I try to talk to him about it and he just says he doesn't know and it gets pushed aside. I spend most nights crying myself to sleep and feel myself slipping further into a depression. I just don't understand if he has ever had a problem in the past it was being too horny (he had a **** addiction problem a couple years ago.) We still have affection in our marriage but its more like the passion in a relationship before sex is introduced. I can't stay in a marriage where there is no intimacy, but I love him so much I don't want to leave. What should we do?
alonelynewlywed alonelynewlywed
11 Responses May 23, 2012

Wow I posted this almost 3 years ago.

Welcome to the forum. Read, read, read the stories here. <br />
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Most the people here are in your shoes. They want sex with the spouse they love, and said spouse is not having it. Don't feel alone in this, it is a myth that it only happens to guys. Plenty of women here are denied as well. I'd ask them for advise, as the guys might say things like "have you tried licking his penis? That works for me...." Mainly this is because we are men, not refusers, and cannot imagine turning away someone we love. <br />
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The fact that you are crying yourself to sleep is very revealing, you are not alone. I am not a crying man, yet I fell asleep many nights with a wet face as tears would silently roll down my cheeks. <br />
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I decided to do some research. Mainly because I had made some decisions against the advise of people I respect (because I loved my wife), and then paid I high price for it. So I decided I would thin my thick skull and listen to what people have to say. <br />
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When I found this forum I was appalled. People spending YEARS, five years, ten years, twenty years, in a sexless marriage. When most of the people say "look out sister, that man will not change..." LISTEN WELL. <br />
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I noticed how many people here had a story that was similar to mine. The funny thing was, as I tried to solve this problem, at every turn my wife behaved as the people here said she would. It felt like some crazy magic! Did these people have a crystal ball? <br />
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Nope. We've just been in your shoes. Listen to Baz, RonMcDon. Sexlessness is not a matter of your husband simply not feeling horny. It is a pathological profile. <br />
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Remember Jeff Foxworthy? He had those 'you might be a redneck' jokes. <br />
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You might have married someone with major psychological problems IF:<br />
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-**** addiction (red flag, anyone?)<br />
-You get dressed up all sexy for him (or her), and end up crying yourself to sleep<br />
-You slowly start to feel like you are not attractive or desirable, even if you are a supermodel. <br />
-You start to suppress your drive as a way to cope. <br />
-Sex gets more and more rare. Many things can cause this, pick one!: He does not love you, he was abused as a kid and can't get past it, he likes you wanting sex more than him, he likes to watch you suffer, he does not care about your needs, he thinks you won't leave no matter what (does he ask for unconditional love? RED FLAG!!!)...<br />
-He *********** but wont F you. <br />
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This forum is full of people who asked themselves the same thing: I love him/her, but I don't want to leave. What should you do? 1) Don't have any children right now. 2) Do everything you can to solve the problem, up to and including telling him that his marriage is at stake. <br />
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Once you know you have exhausted every option, you will want to leave. <br />
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Then you will have to conquer your fear of leaving.

Who knows? It sounds lame, clich├ęd, but maybe the thrill of the chase has gone, the prize won. Maybe it is the tawdriness of domesticity, watching your partner scratch their arse, listen to them belch, fart, whatever. What was it, if anything, that changed the dynamics of the relationship between you before you got married? Did you live together before marrying? Have you taken on new major financial responsibilities since getting married?<br />
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Whatever it might be you may never figure it out. On that basis it might be best for you both to admit, as graciously as possible, that it is a mistake and both agree to annul your marriage. As others have said you are still young. You can and will love again if that is what you want. You will do so even if you stay together, it just makes it more difficult to deal with then.

I've never really understood how some people can use sex to "catch" a spouse. It's almost like sex is just another form of bait, and they have caught the fish and are done.<br />
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In your case, you'll need to have a talk with your H and get to the root of the problem. Does he like sex? Is he into you? Is there something that is holding him back, like the fear of pregnancy/fatherhood?<br />
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You need to find out right away before resentment sets in. Once that happens, it's a long torturous slide towards a divorce. You're still young, so if you need to cut your losses, now is the time. You should be able to find a guy who wants to satisfy every sexual need you have. That means today as well as every day going forward. Don't settle for less.

You can talk, but you'll NEVER get to the root of the problem. The "Why" is not that important. I tortured myself with the "why" for years in the SM, and years after. I always thought that I was doing something "wrong" to have my husband cut me off of sex when the ink was dry on the marriage license, and nothing I did seemed to help. Or, answers that didn't make any sense.

We'll never find out. The question is what are you going to do about it.

Alonely - i wasn't ready to leave after six months of problems. but now i am, after NINETEEN YEARS. keep an eye on it...i've been hoping/trying for years...could have called it quits about 10 years ago but kept on thinking it would change...i advise try your best so you can feel good about that, but then if nothing happens, make your life work for YOU.<br />
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Saddaisy "Thirteen years, the best years of a woman's sexual peak right down the toilet and for that I can not forgive myself" i hear you on that but beating myself up is not going to help one bit. i'm feeling thankful that i'm changing things now, before i go to my grave with regret! <br />
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i still find it unbelievable that this is as common as it is. finding this website has made me feel alot stronger. i don't think it's necessary to stay in a relationship like this!

To all the ladies on this page: <br />
Join the I Am A Woman In A Sexless Marriage page. Sadly there are more like us. I thought I was only one of a few. I have yet to actually meet another woman in the same situation as myself.

There are many more like you, you are not alone at all. Here is is a little less than half female. Since I've started talking about my sexless marriage (to people I know) I've had three men and two women confide in me that they were in a sexless marriage. That's not here at ILIASM, but in everyday life. Here at ILIASM, there are lots of women, just hang around for awhile.

I'm in the same situation. I've tried everything, he still doesn't want me. We've been married 3 years. No sex since October 2011. The year before that, only 5 times. So much for the stereotypical "wifes not interested" huh? Know that you are not alone. Good luck.

I know that I felt like I had to be the only woman in the world going through this. It was the reverse of the stereotype. I was stunned and very alone. That's one thing I appreciate about having EP even though I've been out of my SM (and in a real marriage) for several years.

Listen, Realmeee. This is not going to get any better. If it's gone more than 7 months and no sex, it's not going to happen. Or if it does, it'll be pity sex, or desperation sex to try to "keep you" in his control. You'll get to the point where you expect him to stop mid-activity and just walk out, or say something like, "You've gotten too excited". You won't WANT sex! Not with this guy! Possibly not with anyone since you'll believe ALL men are like this! It'll take a lot to get you out of that hump.

At least you had a honeymoon. I did not. Do not wait a day longer force him to have a talk with you find out what is wrong, convince him to go to counseling with you. If he does not wish to help you and himself with your marriage then leave. I tried and did everything I could possibly do and now I am leaving. Thirteen years, the best years of a woman's sexual peak right down the toilet and for that I can not forgive myself. You are way too young for this. Do you have children? If not don't have any until things are better. Way better. I don't have any because that would have meant I had sexual relations. <br />
Best of luck to you. Do what is best for you!

"We still have affection in our marriage but its more like the passion in a relationship before sex is introduced."<br />
Sounds like a roommate relationship. The fact that your H ignores your needs and unhappiness is telling.<br />
Only YOU can decide what you should do and how much crap you are willing to tolerate.

Quoting you here - "I can't stay in a marriage where there is no intimacy, but I love him so much I don't want to leave"<br />
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Welcome to the hard harsh landscape of the world of choice.<br />
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Your choice will come down to 'which is the "least worst" option'.<br />
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Don't get pregnant while you figure out your choice. That'll only add another la<x>yer of complexity to the dysfunctional situation.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I am so sorry u are having this problem. My situation is no sex ever. It destroys your self esteem. Please keep in mind that it has nothing to do with your looks. It is a mental issue for your spouse.

Listen close to this guy. It really does destroy self esteem.