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Changes?????

I haven't written in a while because I have been confused and ... well ... sorta happy.  About two weeks ago my H and I had a visit with our therapist and after that talk he just ... changed.  He swears he can't tell me what is different between now and then, which drives me nuts.  But, things are different.  He is more engaged in the family, more involved in life, playful with the kids and me.  I am so confused by the whiplash of the occurrence that I have flat out told him and the counselor that I don't know what I will do.  That is the truth!!

I just don't know.  The intimacy is much better, the cuddling, talking, and enjoyment that we used to have has returned.  I have to question it all.  Why??

He told me that if I had left him in January he wouldn't have stopped me but now he wants me to stay, why??  This is now a major trust issue for me.  Here is the analogy I used to explain it, maybe it will help.

I'm on a playground and I have been riding the see-saw with my H.  We have a good time but then suddenly he drops me and goes somewhere else.  It hurts when I get dropped but somehow when he wants to play again I get back on.  Now, after being dropped so much, I have to ask, "do I really want to play again?"  So, I look around and I see a nice quiet swing-set with no one on it.  It looks fun and relaxing.  And, most importantly, I know if I get hurt it's my fault and it's because I chose to, not because someone dropped me.  I'm stuck between the see-saw and the swing-set.

I hope that makes sense because that is where I am.  Do I trust him again?  or do I just go and play where I feel like I have the control.

Any thoughts???
greenpfenig greenpfenig 46-50, F 13 Responses May 24, 2012

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My husband did the same after a visit to the counselor. I didn't trust it either. I think he finally just woke up if that makes sense... I think he realized what he had been doing, that it wasn't ok and that he was losing me. But for me its the whiplash... its the what? NOW you make it all good and how do I turn my heart back on? Sounds like you're on the right track though.... you are doing better than me... good luck!

Play where you have the most fun! I was having some fun in a playground. Then I wasn't allowed on some of the rides. Now I'm not allowed in that playground at all. However, I was given a free pass to any playground I wanted to visit.

Nice huh ?

trust has to be earned and it sounds like he is earning it. yes trust him, but guard your expectations~ protect your heart while slowly opening it up yo him again...like favoring a newly rehabbed knee w hen starting to dance again....just slow dance for now~

one day at a time<br />
<br />
don't get your hopes up<br />
<br />
don't throw a good thing out with the bathwater <br />
<br />
If you can manage to take it one day at a time you will find out which way the wind will blow in the future. You don't have to try to go full bore with the trusting if you simply live in the here and now and see what happens. <br />
Then again, if you're so broken in the relationship by now that you just can't take it - well hey, why bother investing _anything_ any more (I see you still have therapy together, so you ARE still investing).

You just finished chasing the "why" when he didn't, now you are chasing the "why" because he does....<br />
WHY? <br />
Just leave it alone and be merry FFS.<br />
<br />
Good for you BTW, and I wouldn't trust him, not so quick!

looks like same old story,<br />
<br />
its a mystery why he wont have sex<br />
<br />
its a mystery why he will...

"Do I trust him again?"<br />
<br />
I think the fact that you need to pose the question is tremendously revealing.<br />
<br />
None the less, trust is earned. What I make of your story is that you think he has earned some trust. I stress "some". That seems perfectly sensible to me. If what you are seeing in front of you resonates with you, sure, extend a bit of trust. But be selfish. Let your level of trust lag a bit behind the level of his action. Keep your core protected. Keep your core protected until and if the time comes where there is no need to protect it.<br />
<br />
This is just a fancy way of saying what brother Ron said above in 6 words.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I can completely understand your hesitance. Completely. But remember, all we have is *now*. Try to live in it, hard as that can be.

I'm hesitant to provide false hope, but it IS possible. This group is a self-selecting sample of people who are either in, or who have taken action to leave, intimacy averse marriages. The group of people who have turned theirs around never came here in the first place.<br />
<br />
The two of you have been going to therapy for a while now, and have also both been cognizant of the issue for a while. Back when I was intimacy averse (I went through a period in my twenties for about two or three years), there was a day, I recall - an epiphany, where some things just snapped into place for me and I "chose" my partner and the lifestyle I imagined we would lead together. There were a few steps in that 1. a prolonged awareness of the issue, 2. an absence where I could find myself and get my head together a bit - seeing clearly the joy she brought to my life when I returned, 3. a choice - where I was being actively pursued by an attractive woman who was NOT my partner, someone who I was actually attracted to myself. Whatever it was, a combination of those three things - a spark jumped and I "discovered" what I had, and came back.

Thank you for sharing this. It is helpful.

You have reached a point in life where you are aware of the fact that you cannot assume a particular future ba<x>sed on your experience of the past or the present. The odd thing is that it has always been that way, you have just unconsciously assumed otherwise. Where you are right now is so volatile and uncertain that you realise that you may have to strive for it, be vigilant for it. The irony is that is life, the whole of life, as it really is. Being able to contemplate that and deal with that is very, very difficult for most of us to deal with because we are otherwise inculcated. It's like those who have a job for life, or assuming that they have a job for life suddenly realising they don't. Quite a shock that most of us are not prepared for.<br />
<br />
Maybe the way to look at it is to tell yourself, "Why rely on trust?" "I will rely on myself, my independence, my ability to take care of myself, my emotional self-containment and strength will permit me to deal with this now or something different tomorrow."<br />
<br />
If you are psychologically and emotionally self-contained it can give you the strength to manage whatever is thrown at you and what form it comes in. That does not mean that you have to be emotionally withdrawn in order to protect yourself but it can let you realise that you can experience emotional adversity but bounce back from it strongly and healthily. In reality it is what the majority of us cannot ever hope to achieve but what we really badly need.

Just take it as it comes.

Perhaps instead of looking at this conundrum as either trust/or not, it can be viewed on a continuum.<br />
there are many choices/steps between 0-10...<br />
Trust your heart one step at a time...<br />
you will know after one step towards trust if you should stay there for a bit, or take another step towards trust...<br />
Hope this makes sense to you...<br />
find joyinthejourney, clg

I don't envy you your situation. Its not a simple ball of twine to unravel. Perhaps it starts with asking yourself if you are still in love with your husband? Is there the will to rebuild trust? You write that there is cuddling, talking and enjoyment and that there is better intimacy. Do you actually feel intimate with him, a sense of connection quite apart from experiencing the acts of intimacy? Hope I am not rambling. I suppose in the end it comes down to whether the changes are good enough to restore your trust and ability to be vulnerable with him and also quell the 'what ifs' you may harbor. Take care.