14 Months Out Of The House

I left my wife last April and documented the process here for the first 5 months. This will probably be my last story here but I hope to give encouragement to others and I feel I owe this forum for the strength it gave me and for the great support given by many members here.

So here goes.

When I left my wife and moved out of our home I felt as if I was stepping into a void. The years of abuse had taken their toll and I felt old, unlovable and second rate as a human being. But the sense of relief in moving out was a huge surprise and my old spirit returned almost immediately, though the process of removing myself emotionally from my marriage took many months and is still ongoing. I have learned a lot about myself. The first few months were undoubtedly the hardest. I flip-flopped between strength - holding my angry ex at arm's length and despair and weakness, expressing continuing love and breaking down. But, I picked myself up again and moved forward. I am amazed, after a year, that the process wasn't harder. When I think of her now, it is of two people. The person I met and married and fell in love with and the angry, self-absorbed alcoholic abuser she became and is now.

One of the most significant things that has happened is I am now very much in touch with my sexuality and realize my own attractiveness. I had a few affairs last year around the time of my last post. A friend of mine said that divorce is like high school dating. You're kind of relearning the rules and a bit like a kid in a candy store. I ended up in deep water with someone I had a great sexual relationship with and was seeing the last time I posted. A substance abuser (like my ex). It is a learning process and no shame to pick yourself up and move on. Interesting to realize that I am attracted to and attract this type of person. So I moved on.

Shortly afterwards I met someone my own age. She is everything I ever wanted. One of the most positive spirits I've ever encountered. She believes in me, is wonderfully supportive and loyal and fun and we have an amazing sexual and personal relationship. We have been together 8 months and it just seems to grow and grow. I am a lucky so-and-so. If someone had told me this time last year that I'd be here, now, I would not have believed them. The universe is extraordinary.

My ex is angry, though largely non-communicative. Hard to know if it's just the same old s*** or if she's jealous. She phoned last night to arrange something and after I said I couldn't comply with one of her requests she flipped in the usual manner. It's been months since her last outburst but I remained calm, told her not to speak to me in that way and didn't take the bait. I have brought in a policy of emailing her instead of talking on the phone as this avoids her horrible tone and also documents dates etc...which she tends to lie about or claim ignorance of at a later date.

I am amazed I put up with it for so many years. My life is so, so much happier. If you are in the same boat as I was I know and feel your pain. The process is hard - the hardest. But make this leap of faith. Do it. Reclaim your sexual and emotional citizenship. The person you are living with is your worst enemy. Your love for this person is noble but misguided. We have the one life. Go live it. It's completely do-able.

Good luck!
Year2 Year2
13 Responses May 24, 2012

I have saved this and will use it as a source of inspiration to make my life into the life I have always wanted. I don't even know what else to say. This puts the biggest smile on my face and reignites my hope for tomorrow. Congrats. Don't be a stranger.

My husband cheated on me two years ago. And I can't see myself moving on. I am not a jealous person and doubtful one. But now every time the phone rings I am worried and questioning.

I'm happy for you! May your life always be bright...thankyou for ur honest talk and being so humble to talk from the heart.

Thankyou for this story.

am happy for u too...best of luck in future...

Newbies and Veterans alike note - yet another testimonial to the upside(s) of getting out.<br />
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I am still yet to see a post where the disenfranchised spouse wishes they had gone back to their sexless marriage.<br />
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Brother Year2 busted out into the open, found it was challenging and good.<br />
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Now, he has even got himself into a functional adult relationship as well.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thank you for that encouraging story. I'm so glad you've found happiness. Best of luck in the future!

Something to aspire to! Thank you!

Thanks everyone. Xp42...I have a son who is 11 now. This was indeed the scariest part. The night we told him what was happening was heartbreaking but he recovered very quickly and has really taken it in a very mature way. My ex is an alcoholic (I assume because I rarely talk to her) so I try to make sure he's ok with her without bad mouthing her to him. She doesn't seem to have the same restraints but from everything I've heard, the kid will figure it out on his own. We share custody and being a good dad has been SO much easier since we split. My frustrations would sometimes come out at him. I can't remember the last time I lost my temper at him, however and his behavior has improved at my house. I would suggest asking for advice from very good friends, seeing a councillor and doing as much as possible with your boy. Good luck.

Thank you, sir. A truly inspiring story.<br />
(btw...I know what you mean about it feeling like high school again...)

Thank you! I am about a month from leaving my wife and I find it terrifying. I fear the lost of my 10 y.o. son so I wonder if there were any children in your marriage and how you handled it with them.

Thank you. As one still struggling to form an exit, it's good to hear positive outcomes.

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story. I am so happy that you're living a better, more fulfilling life!