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*sexless Was Not On My List*

I knew you couldn’t express love like other because you weren’t like that.

I knew you had abandonment issues and there fore you were always in a shell.

I knew you didn’t understand my family because you never really had one.

I knew you may never have real family value due to your own lack of.

I knew we were never going to be rich, because you do things the hard way.

I knew we were never going to do much in the outside world because people suck!

I knew we were never going to get really married, even after 2 children.

I knew you fell in and out of depression and I wanted to be here for you.

I knew you had a lot of health issue, too many for your age, but I loved you.

I knew many things and I was ready for them all,

But  “this hell” I didn’t sign up for!
oceansun oceansun 31-35 14 Responses May 24, 2012

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DeGracia, I wish you all the best. When you have done all you can do, and the result is unfavorable, then you can change course and feel good about yourself! I wish you fair seas and favorable winds.<br />
<br />
DB2

WP: "It's hell being a rescuer because sometimes we need someone to save us from trying to save the unsavable."<br />
<br />
Yes, one of my life lessons, one of the hard ones. We can do that professionally, or at least we can professionally try to give them a shot at saving themselves, but what we can NEVER do is try to get them into a relationship and then fix them. NOT GOING TO WORK. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (several colours and flavours actually).<br />
<br />
Damnit, Oceansun, it's the pits. :-{

It is so.<br />
<br />
We saw all the red flags, but went on with it anyway, then got the BIG red flag, klaxon horn and siren. But the train had already crashed.<br />
<br />
And here we are, trapped in the wreckage, pinned under a seat by the legs. Over there is a light. There might be a way out. But fuckinhell, when I try and move toward that light my legs are sheer agony where they are pinned. So we go back into a pain induced coma for a while.<br />
<br />
Time passes. Test the pain from the trapped legs. You could get them out, and maybe get out of the wreckage, but you know how much it is going to hurt when you try and move those legs. The pain is going to be scorching. <br />
<br />
Might need to think about this a bit more. Am I up for the agony getting out is going to cost me short term ? I dunno. I'll think about it.<br />
<br />
Oh ****. I smell smoke !!!<br />
<br />
Choice time.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

...I know Bazzy, I know.
... I thought you were going to tell me to chew my legs off, and I'm sure you're thinking "that's a great ******* idea".
Thank you.

And I hear your desperation ('bag over your head...etc...)<br />
<br />
Do be weary of such thoughts, they are dangerous. When you can't stop them, you know it is time to make a change.

,,,Thanks Filter, I should have added "I write with passion", just trying to add the desperation and hurt that I feel, I have 2 beautiful kids to live for, I'll put a bag over H's head before I'd do me, trust me.

Glad to hear it. Just would hate to see you go out like that.

Like Frustrated, I literally feel your pain in my heart and in my blood. You don't deserve this. I can tell how much you love him and it hurts my heart because I feel he will only keep hurting you and your family. <br />
<br />
You don't deserve such a fate and I know you feel trapped. Heck, I felt trapped even when I was not trapped at all. Changing our lives is a thing of fear and hesitation. <br />
<br />
The ironic thing is that he holds all the power. He withholds the tube steak til you starve, you you have to take the very difficult road to divorce and establishing your own residence. Not easy. Amazing how much power it gives him, isn't it?

I feel your pain. You are so right. Just like you i can handle most things in the marriage but a lack of sex is the deal breaker. <br />
<br />
If we wanted to live as a monk or nuns we would have joined a monastry not got married.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Sometimes we place inordinate value on the good things at the beginning of a relationship and minimize other things that as time goes by become much bigger problems. It sounds very much as if there wasn't enough good stuff on the scale to counterbalance all the other stuff and when he pulled the sex off the balance just shot completely to the negative. He took away the biggest and best thing in the relationship for you and basically left you with nothing to cling to. So you are angry and disappointed and now all those other things are piling on to finish off the marriage for good.

...Yes, I guess I was blind, I always thought he had potential, and no one ever stuck it out long enough for him to latch in, I figured he deserved a shot at life, happiness, being trusted and loved unconditionally, I did all that because I thought that was my purpose, he had such a ****** life, and I had so much love to give I figured that's why God brought him to me, but he's taken advantage of my kindness, or maybe H just doesn't want my love anymore and what better way to tell than to pull the plug on sex.

It's hell being a rescuer because sometimes we need someone to save us from trying to save the unsavable. You've got a big heart and a lot of love for the right person but you need someone that will appreciate the things you do for them and love you in return. Everyone can make a mistake but a bigger mistake is to keep insisting on repeating the same mistake and thinking it will turn out differently that is the definition of insanity. Good Luck.

..."always thought he had potential, and no one ever stuck it out long enough for him to latch in, I figured he deserved a shot at life, happiness, being trusted and loved unconditionally, I did all that because I thought that was my purpose, he had such a ****** life"....

Big--no HUGE, ditto.

It's hell because the sex (in the context of a primary relationship) has a meaning for us beyond the act.

...It's hell, because I am a passionate person, I make love with passion, I cook with passion, I laugh with passion, I fight with passion, I do nothing halfheartedly.

I could have written this...<br />
<br />
Funny now I look back I think "oh now I know why people marry for money, it never occurred to me that riches could be a buffer when nothing else is left". Seriously, I thought marrying the one I loved, even through he had next-to-nothing and next-to-no functional family would be enough.

.....Thank you, this is how "gold diggers" are born.

I think I was prepared to handle all those things because the sex was the best I have ever had. <br />
Take that away too, then you may as well put a bag over my head. (AND OF COURSE I LOVED HIM)<br />
FFS This makes me wonder is great sex all we had, and if so, then why can't he see it too, why does he think it's all great bar the sex??????<br />
Am I crazy? Or is he in denial?

Well for him it is great bar the sex. And yes I think that it was all bearable due to the best sex then you married him for the sex. I am sorry to say that every other couple that I know that got married because they were "perfectly sexually compatible" split up with in a year. I guess your choices are: Have an affair, leave him or get therapy ( think you are doing the latter already, yes?)

....It wasn't only for the sex, but I understand what you are saying.

What a horrible, heartfelt story. It is beautiful that you can stand up and speak it. I had not heard the "when sex is good its 9% and when bad its 99%", but it's true. Of course the sex is often a symptom of other things going on, but you have so much going on. All I can do is listen. I have no silver bullet for you. At least in this space you can see you are not alone.

Oh ocean, I hear you loud and clear.<br />
<br />
Often said, but when sex is good it is 9 percent of a marriage, and when it is bad it's 99 percent. And even though we an handle them not changing everything else, them not working on sexlessness just seems...cruel.

I am so sorry.

It's amazing how much you can handle, and amazing how something that weights us down as heavily as a sexless marriage can break us down, despite that strength. <br />
This story is very touching. I have experienced a lot of what you describe that your SO has gone through. It is tough to live through and scars you for life. <br />
<br />
I started to write more, but find I cannot-too painful. <br />
<br />
Stay strong!<br />
<br />
DB2

...Thank you, writing has helped though.

I'm glad that writing this has helped you, I think that's what this place is all about.
I know you're not looking for commendation or a pat on the back, but I have a special place in my heart for people who are willing to love a person who has been broken and thrown away by the very people who were supposed to love and nurture them. I spent my childhood surviving a violently dysfunctional home, and then years of bouncing around the foster care system.
I hope your H has been through copious amounts of therapy. Maybe it's time for him to dig deeper with another round. Survivors are never done healing, because the wounds never quite go away.

One thought for you: maybe he is subconsciously sabatoging your marriage because he doesn't feel worthy of you and doesn't know how to handle love. If that's it, that can be fixed with a lot of help-if he is willing to face his demons. It's really hard to be the right kind of husband when you've never seen an example of what that means.

Of course I can't know if I'm right, but I do know where I've been, and maybe, just maybe, there is hope for you yet.

Peace and big hugs to you!

DB2

...Oh wow, thank you DB2, he is broken and has not done any type of therapy, he is only going get worse I fear.

If you can get him to seek help, he may be able to turn it around. It is really hard to do, and you wind up having to stand face to face with demons you didn't know we're there (or didn't want to face). Speaking for myself, I had to learn survival skills that aren't always healthy or appropriate, but were needed to survive the abuse and neglect. These have become part of me, and although I've tempered them, they will always be burned into my DNA.
Depression is also a real danger for survivors of what I (we?) have been through. Undetected, and most importantly, untreated depression is debilitating and harms those around us. When in the depths of depression, it is hard to see it yourself, and sometimes hard to hear about from those closest to us.
If you feel you can help steer him to therapy, and maybe a doctor for depression, that could help you both.
If you are concerned he wouldn't listen or would take offense (sometimes us men-folk need to hear it from someone other than our wives), maybe a friend, sibling, pastor, or whomever, could get involved and help him get help.
If you've never felt clinical depression, even those things we enjoy the most lose their attraction. Everything is polluted by depression-but it is treatable!

I admire you for taking on, as I call myself, a "rescue dog". That's probably one of the hardest things to reconcile in my SM. the one person who finally loved me unconditionally, who opened me up so I could be vulnerable, has abandoned me. Again... I don't want to leave her, but may capacity to be hurt is almost full.

Sorry to digress on my own situation.

I really feel you may be able to get things on track if you can get him help. If he does go that direction, please be patient. It takes a lot of time and effort to exorcise those demons and get as close to whole as we can be. As he progresses, hopefully you will get your needs met as well.

Huge hugs to you and to your husband. I wish you peace and success.

Godspeed,

DB2

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