Could This Help?This was an article I read in the London Times. I was struck by it:
‘Question: I am married with two children and my wife has told me she no longer wants sex with me, or anyone else, but has no wish to explore the reasons why. I think this relates to her body image. She has put on some weight and will no longer go swimming with the children because I think she does not want to be seen. I have never commented on this to her. Her lack of desire is affecting our relationship – at least from my side – and I find it a depressing situation. I have suggested that we try ‘no strings’ massages to see if this will increase her libido but to no avail.’
‘Answer: There is no such thing as a ‘no string’ massage with a man who is desperate to have sex. And when a woman is acutely body conscious, the last thing she wants to do is lie naked on a bed while her husband oils her up like a seal and attempts to knead life back into her expired libido.
The psychologist Cindy Meston has studied the link between female body image and sexual satisfaction and her research shows that physical and emotional confidence mediates female arousal. A woman has to feel sexy and since men rarely notice subtle changes in their partner’s appearance, I suspect that ‘some weight’ might be an underestimation on your part.
It is good that you have not nagged her to lose weight because there may be something physically wrong. In midlife, loss of libido and weight gain can be an indication of underlying illness or depression, so your wife needs to see her doctor. When it comes to issues such as weight, evidence shows that attempting to change a partner can do more harm than good. Instead, the most beneficial change occurs when one or both partners in the relationship perceive the others as being able to self-regulate. Now, clearly your wife is failing to do that at the moment, but if you could shift the focus from your needs to hers, that might change.
Weight gain and sexual withdrawal are very effective sabotage mechanisms, so I suspect your wife is angry about something. Or she may simply feel unloved and unappreciated.
All women yearn ‘to be uniquely desired’ according to Dr Marta Meana, a clinical psychologist. By this, she means that your wife does not want to be with a man who just wants to have sex. She wants to be with a man who ‘ just wants to have sex with her, and her alone’. Menna’s in depth interviews with women also reveal that women frequently fantasise about being ravished or found irresistible, a theory that is supported by the runaway success of the unreadable erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey which pretends to be about submission and domination but is really about the unending female fascination with a man’s desire to unequivocally possess his woman.
Tragically, marriage and commitment are the ultimate enemy of that kind of passion and intensity because, paradoxically, the very things that make people want a long-term relationship (safety, closeness) are the things that kill novelty and sexual desire. When people get too comfortable in a relationship they start taking each other for granted and, gradually, they stop making the effort to show each other that they care.
You and your wife almost certainly need relationship counselling, but in the meantime, see if you can try and coax her out of the unhappy place she is in.
Put your arms around her and tell her that you think she is beautiful. Make her laugh. Take photographs of her and use them as screensavers on your computer. Go for walks with her and hold her hand. Convince her that you care about her, that you want her to be happy and that you cannot live without her.
There is no quick fix to complex relationship problems but I guarantee that small gestures of love and attention will be a far more effective trigger for your wife’s libido than a ‘no strings’ massage’
Suzi Godson, the Times
Several things struck me in this article.
1) I’ve met several well sexy blokes on EP who have this issue. I found it hard to imagine there is any woman who wouldn’t want them to make love to them… repeatedly. To one of these men, I offered the advice of a ‘no strings massage’…. He blocked me or left EP…. Clearly that wasn’t the best advice. When some of you talk about sex, it is with such passion and skill that maybe the problem does lay deep within your women’s psyche.
2) Many of the men I’ve talked to with this have young children. So may have exhausted wives who feel like they are just surviving, balancing work, kids, home and the rest. When I was in this situation I ate. Sugar…. Too much, just to stay afloat. Then my dad died, I ate for comfort and I drank to forget. I felt too guilty to make my hard working husband have the kids so I could exercise. But then the kids got older (and more capable of looking after him!), and a new sports centre opened. The fitter I got, the more selfish I got. I think quite rightly I became more selfish with my time, e.g. having a bit of it for me. I prioritise exercise, as much as I can (and in a balanced way). I lost a bit of weight. Your size’s are different to ours but I think I went from a US size 14 to a 10. More importantly I gained so much more energy, and started a new hobby I never thought I’d be able to do. As for sex, I went from my once a week ‘wifely duty’ to having a massive sex drive. I’ve got my mojo back. That’s lead to another set of problems, but that’s life I guess.
3) And as for the: ‘’wants to be with a man who ‘ just wants to have sex with her, and her alone’ ‘’ and the ‘’unending female fascination with a man’s desire to unequivocally possess his woman’’. Hell Yes! Note to self, I will never change. This is me, it’s who I am it’s what I need. Now just need to find that man!
4) Everyone is different, I am not a psychologist. I wondered if the article would help. I apologise if I have offended anyone. If you disagree with Suzi Godson, do contact her at The Times…. Good luck all.
KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 22 Responses 18 May 24, 2012