No Sex ? It Could Be Worse.

My wife and I have lived in a sexless marriage for a long time. It is mainly the result of the side effects of her medicine for her health. She just does not have a sex drive and the physical act is too painful. We had to find a way to live with the frustrations that we both feel in different ways. She has offered to look the other way if I wanted to pursue getting my physical satisfaction by going down other avenues. I have not done so because it seems to me to be disrespectful. I won't pretend that I have not given it some thought now and again, but so far I have settled for celibacy. 

I am sharing this story to simply say that while it is very unnatural to be celibate in my opinion and I would not choose it for myself, it has chosen me and so I have to deal with the reality.

I have given thought to "rented sex" visa vi " erotic massage", and my wife says she is fine with it, I am still hesitating. It is a very tough call to be candid. Before I ever would go down this path, I have to give it some time and make sure that I was not rationalizing the need.

I can appreciate the position people in this group feel, this loss is intensely personal and also very painful, if one does not know why. I am fortunate.

I wish all of those in this group the courage to seek the best solution for them, not anyone else. Protect your integrity and do everything you can to honor the sentiments you spoke about at your wedding. When it becomes unbearable, deal with it, but try to be compassionate and thoughtful. Good luck.  
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7 Responses May 24, 2012

Everything is fine in the marriage bar the sex.<br />
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So, you'd be here to enjoy the magnificent writing styles and personalities of the membership presumably.<br />
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Or maybe you are a smidge uneasy about just how strong your underlying needs truly are, and writing lets a bit of pressure off.<br />
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It's all good. Whatever reason you are here for is fine.<br />
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You'll lose nothing by being totally upfront in this group. If you just want to vent about the shithouse hand you've been dealt that's cool too.<br />
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But "something" caused you to type in 'sexless marriage' on your search engine. And one thing is for sure, it wasn't because you are happy about it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

It seems to me that, while you are suffering from an unanticipated celibacy, it is not from any kind of rejection of you. I expect that means you and your wife still share other forms of intimacy, such as nonverbal communication and nonsexual touch conveying "I'm happy you're here" that becomes the unstated richness of a marriage relationship. That glance, or smile, or unasked-for touch on the shoulder when she passes by - these are the little things that show a level of connectedness missing in pathologically sexless marriages. I get the impression that yours is not such a marriage - that although you suffer from lack of sex, you do not suffer from lack of connection, of love, or of want by your spouse. It tells me that your marriage has a strong and solid base and can remain healthy even with its problems.

--- honor the sentiments you made at your marriage ----<br />
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Your situation is very different from many here. Your wife and you have had an open honest discussion. She accepts her share of the issue and is willing to do what is necessary for your happiness vis a vis, an affair for you. <br />
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In most of our marriages, our partners do not accept their share in the lack of sex; they view the lack of sex as normal and, view us as having the problem. <br />
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It's a very different situation and not one where a moral high ground of marital sentiments can be invoked.

Did you wife put in any effort at all to bring sex back into your marriage? Consulted with a physician, for example? Tried to satisfy you in other ways?? Or she just wants you to stay out of her intimate life? <br />
Is it just sex that is lost or intimace in general?

You did not address any of my questions. Is a BJ too much of a physical pain? What's wrong with being creative? What about your pain?

I think this is totally cool. You wife doesn't need sex, and you don't really either. So it works. <br />
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Now, when you find yourself breaking your own teeth under your bite (happened to me), breaking bones in your hand on your head (as happened with one of our members), Having violent thoughts (warriorpoet), or suicidal thoughts (ocean, don't do it!!!!! Your brain is just wrong sometimes!), Can't keep out of affairs (many people here), setting deadlines for your spouse (Loyal, Frustrated), etc....<br />
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Then you know you are a sex person. You are almost a sex person. Somewhere in the middle. Seems like it has worked for you, as you have made it into the sixties without doing any of the above listed example. For you, I recommend meditation, stoic philosophy, etc...<br />
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And a girlfriend. But that's just a sex person talking.

If the idea of celibacy is not a deal breaker for you, then you are probably in the right place. That said, at your age it is probably easier to find a woman that you have any idea...

You sound to me like a guy who realises how easy it would be to find the boot on the other foot, so-to-speak, and who can wonder how that might be and how you might feel about it and how you might want to be treated in respect of it. Sure it's tough but the ability to truly empathise is a coping mechanism in itself and is not a sign of weakness. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.<br />
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All you can do is to support your wife and hope that she will support you in return. And yes, for a lot of people it is just sex, but that is a perspective that is not well accepted amongst the majority who participate here. That is just how it is for THEM. It is what it is, but there is an equally valid reality for others, no more, no less. It can be useful to understand that and accept it for being just as real, even if it is something you will not accept for yourself.<br />
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May you continue to find the inner strength to cope and be civil to boot and I hope against hope that someday you are rewarded by a change of circumstances that is rewarding to you.

This may sound quite simplistic, but in my mind there are many ways to give and receive physical pleasure w/o intercourse.<br />
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Finding creative, mutually satisfying activities may be just what the doc ordered!<br />
just sayin....not having all the information<br />
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find jouyinthejourney, clg

Then... Take your time with her moment by moment...enjoying all the qualities that drew you to one another in the beginning
Find joyinyourjourney, clg

Sex in a marriage is not always about what "you" want or are excited by. Part of it is sometimes "going along for the ride" to please the other spouse - as that's a form of intimacy that is societally expected to be reserved for one's spouse.

If her medication is causing side effects that both have her libido destroyed, and make it physically painful to be touched, she should be talking to her doctor about other medication options.

She might have to be firm, that this is an intollerable situation for her. The fact that she has given her permission for you to "step out" of the marriage mean that she has already resigned herself that this is at least threatening the future of your and her marriage. Many doctors have some silly notion that people over some particular age or with some appearances or with some physical conditions somehow don't want or need sex with their spouses anymore, so they won't mention it.... or even go so far as to suggest "no sex" to their patients.

How true
Not part of their training
tend to look at only the physicality of a person and ignore their soul(emotions, intellect etc) and spirituality.
I have always worked verrry hard to treat a client holistically...
find joyinthejourney, clg

made4life i am sorry to hear. mvc i agree. so much better to put it out on the table so to speak. i have done so, and now we are separating. rather, we've been "separate" for years,but now he is moving out. i think it's for the better. this is not the example i want to live for my children, and it's not the life i want.