Is That All There Is?

This has taken me forever to just sit down and write my story,  The biggest challenge for me is i tend towards wordiness and it feels like there is sooo much to decide what to include/what to leave out.  I'll do my best to be open, honest, and direct.
Got married after a year of dating in 1977.  I was just a baby at 22, J was 24.  He was attracted to my childlike openess, lack of self conscioussness, and my intellect(not to mention I was cute as hell!).  I was attracted to his quiet, even temperment which I read to be 'stability', his kindness, and his repectful relationship with his mom.

We both shared a love of family, faith that made a difference in our lives, and we were wildly attracted to each other(lust?!?).  We came from very different families of origin.  Me, very ethnic, loud, expressive, close "blood is blood" family.  He came from a very closed family who generally stay at polite levels of communication, little expressing of emotions, and reserved.
It was apparent there was a fairly large discrepancy in our sexual appetites; mine being wayyyy high, his not so much.  without disclosing too much about him, after some years of some performance difficulties, sex became less and less.
I became the initiator, he a bit passive, but responsive.
There were also major differences/surprises that contributed to me trying to talk, and him going "bye-byes".The more he withdrew, the more I got in his face and insisted on honesty.

Lots happened in between the above and the present moment.  The bottom line is I have now invested the best of my youth in him and our 2 sons.  In between running the household, being a practically single mother(he is a workaholic), I managed to get my Bachelors, then Master's Degree.  But i pretty much revolved around him, his schedule, his needs, etc.  I am by nature a Nurturer and MOTHER!  I love to serve others in the context of a loving relationship.
About a week ago, the **** got REAL around here by me screaming everything I had been stuffing(for various reasons), and him just staring at me like I had lost it.
Since that, the air seems to have lightened and cleared, with me telling him no matter what happens to the marriage, it will never take away from all he has been and is to me.  He is a man of integrity, humble, kind, giving, etc.  He has been quite loyal to me, as well as tolerated my not so EZ temperment/patterns of coping, etc.
Have no idea where this path is heading, but I do know I am beginning to take all the pieces of myself I entrusted him with, back.  Feels good and sooo free to know I no longer need to save the marriage, protect others if we divorce, etc. 
I have wondered if the marriage has been so neglected/mistreated that it has reached the breaking point of no return.  Significant trust issues/pain that I would need to continue to work on if there is a recommittment.  I also believe that it is likely I love him, he is family, but no longer am in love with him.  I have no sexual attraction to him at all anymore.  I believe he resents the **** out of me although he is in denial to me and himself also.

That's enough right now...blah...blah...b lah
finding joyinthejourney, clg
clgsassy clgsassy 56-60, F 20 Responses May 24, 2012

Your Response


you answered your own need to start will never feel right about having..invested you youth

I am now clinging to your every word. You have obviously walked the mine field that I am afraid to walk through. Please don't be concerned with being wordy, I enjoy wordy stories, even love to write them myself. Especially the ones that reveal our pain.

Thank you for sharing. On a journey of introspection at the moment and this helped me see my place and possible culpability in the events that have unfolded in my life, and why in the hell I keep crying so much lately, I have been so shocked by this in myself I am usually not that emotional.

I believe we, as individuals...
go through seasons.....
much like nature's....
ecclesiates speaks of,
as well as the Byrds put to music...
to everything there is a season...
you may be in a season of tears...
some sad,
maybe others cleansing...
but this too shall pass...
i always try to learn whatever i ca
from whatever season i am in...
joyinthejourney, clg

Both a sad and surprisingly common story unfortunately. You've conveyed your feelings and thoughts here beautifully and it's impossible not to feel for you or anyone else who feels their marriage is so unfullfilling. I think sometimes complacency and lifes pressures can do a lot to numb a marriage but it does take two to save it. One alone will always feel frustrated and unhappy and no doubt as you yourself do now, eventually despair of saving it.


Thanks for sharing your story...
I love the writing style in your responses, it's poetic.

A lil update...
i now see my H(soon to be X)
in quite a different light...
I see him now
as a very smart manipulator
who knew me intimately...
knew what FAMILY meant to me
annnnd used that intimate information
to "work me" still takes my breath
away how quickly something that appears so solid
is just an illusion...a house of cards...
as i look back, and continue to reflect...
although i am the one with the "mouth"
i have behaved more honoabley in
this journey, than he has...
had to say that because those
"strong silent" types always look like the hero....
Saint J...
and the verbal, expressive one like
"the bad guy...
k done for now mehmehmehing...
joyinthejourney, clg

Yep, got the tee-shirt. It's a manipulation thing going on with these people. We're the ones who want a fulfilling, loving relationship. This makes us vulnerable to those who would take advantage of this need. When you leave, over the next few months, you'll begin to see what has happened, and you'll kick yourself for having hung in there. But remember that if you want a loving relationship, being vulnerable was the right thing to do. Taking advantage of this and manipulating someone who's trying to achieve this, well... it speaks volumes about your [former] partner. It's not us, it's them. Head up high and walk with dignity.

you just touched me deep in my heart...
thanks you so much for those healing words...
joyinthejourney, clg

Sorry to hear of your distress. Too many of us in sexless marriages.

before EP...
I had no idea...
especially the male being the refuser
due to stereotypical "not tonite, i have a headache"
such mixed feelings...
part of me so relieved to find sooo many who "get it"
while at the same time
sad that so many are lonley and sad...
joyinthejourney, clg

5 months later-still hangin' in there ??

well on my way...
to a divorce...
something i never wanted
but is
what it is....
either me, my life/sanity
or sacrifice whatever crumbs of me that were left
for the sake of "saving the family"
not a choice, really,
cuz part of my self discovery includes
i am NOT responsible
nor can i
emotionally "carry" the family...
thanks for askin

Sometimes ya just gotta look out for yourself, good luck to you

hey, thanks for the kind words.....

At least you know where you are at!


send me yopur e mail please

I'm inspired by your openess. Your strength shines through your entire writing. I'm so happy that you are finding joy in the journey. I'm loving my journey too.

thanks for the comment...

Your comment about family background caught my eye. I think that people from demonstrative, "loud," (Italian, in my case) families tend to bring that physicality and passion into their relationships. When the other party is less demonstrative, more "restrained," the first party learns, without realizing it, to hold a lot in - until the kettle boils over. Life has to lived with passion. Even the negative stuff! Let 'er rip, and move on. Sometimes we think that passion, in all of it's manifestations, is perhaps not that important. But, if we have been brought up with passion, we can not (and would not want to) live without it. We need it! Just my thoughts. Peace and love to you.

joyinthejourney, clg

We fall out of love ----And than try to find it---In my case it the lack of sex---but she will kiss me good night than go to the other room to watch TV---I get up in the morning to go to work and than she gets pissed off because I don't kiss her goodbye Oh yes,I'm suppose to tell her I love Her---what a bounce of grap-----you deserve a new start---we all do in this group. Take care

Thanks for the encouragement..
ya, i think we all deserve another chance..
just wondering and not so much trusting or believing
that I will ever have enough trust, wholeness to love again...
joyinthejourney, clg

You are going through a tough time. I would think you need sometime to reinvent yourself with what you want. When we all get older we are different people, I have looked back in my ex now and ask what did I ever see in her? We are so different from the start. Indicators were there that it would not work or last. Maybe lust got in the way? Would love to chat with you.

thanks for your comments...
enjoy your freekin weekend...findurmoments, clg

Your marriage reminds me of my marriage- my wife's family was the 'loud', mine the 'quiet', but in the case of sexual desire reversed. I'm lucky now to get a cuddle good morning once a week. My wife seems to get angry with me for practically anything that I say-she hears a 'tone' in my voice that doesn't mean what she thinks it does. I respect her for being strong and not wanting to take any ****, but I am offended when I wasn't dishing any. Facing the trust and giving your honesty will take you a long way.

Sounds to me like the behavior of a person with resentments and unforgiveness she has not dealt with yet and perhaps isn't even aware of.

We all so need grace(being freely given that which we have not earned, nor do we deserve)

find joyinthejourney, clg

I think you're right, I should try to open a channel to that.

Thanks for the story... You & I are probably the same age <br />
My problem is mybhusband won't even touch me. He thinksa pat on the knee is sufficient .<br />
I actually workout at least 2 hours a day...which helps otherwise I would probably be in a depressive state. I cry & feel like I could go crazy. <br />
I keep thinking ( I am 57 look like I m 45 ) these shouldn 't mean that life is over for me?<br />
Advice would be appreciated...I am the care taker in this marriage & no children. I am scared.<br />
My husband is a good honest man had prostate cancer & it never mattered to me that sex was gone but the lack of physical contact is just driving me crazy.<br />

It sucks
life is a job and when we die
God will charge us certain amts. of $ for alll our sins here on earth...then we get to keep whatever $ He gave us minus the cost of r sins

Life's a job, but someone has to do it

getting started is half the battle.... just start writing it will come :)

thanks for your words of encouragement

The genie is out of the bottle and there is no way of stuffing said genie back in.<br />
<br />
Welcome to the harsh hard landscape of choice.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

No welcome necessary, but thanks...
Been on this path on/off/on/off for a very long time...
finding joyinthejourney, clg

"...I am beginning to take all the pieces of myself I entrusted him with, back"<br />
An excellent way of putting it. I am in the same phase myself in my marriage. More power to you and good luck.

Thanks and also to you

You've reached the beginning of a new chapter in your life. It sounds very much as if you are beginning to think of yourself in a new way that no longer includes him. Pulling the pieces of yourself back together is a positive thing and once you start doing that other pieces of truth start unveiling themselves just by the nature of your uncovering them when you start perceiving your own personal truths. It sounds as if your relationship has been on the rocks for quite some time and now you are beginning to own that and accept the idea that it may be time to put an end to it. The light of truth can be glaringly harsh sometimes and reveals things we would rather not look at but if you have the courage and the will then the truth can set you free. Viva La SLF

I love you! Thanks!