Is That All There Is?This has taken me forever to just sit down and write my story, The biggest challenge for me is i tend towards wordiness and it feels like there is sooo much to decide what to include/what to leave out. I'll do my best to be open, honest, and direct.
Got married after a year of dating in 1977. I was just a baby at 22, J was 24. He was attracted to my childlike openess, lack of self conscioussness, and my intellect(not to mention I was cute as hell!). I was attracted to his quiet, even temperment which I read to be 'stability', his kindness, and his repectful relationship with his mom.
We both shared a love of family, faith that made a difference in our lives, and we were wildly attracted to each other(lust?!?). We came from very different families of origin. Me, very ethnic, loud, expressive, close "blood is blood" family. He came from a very closed family who generally stay at polite levels of communication, little expressing of emotions, and reserved.
It was apparent there was a fairly large discrepancy in our sexual appetites; mine being wayyyy high, his not so much. without disclosing too much about him, after some years of some performance difficulties, sex became less and less.
I became the initiator, he a bit passive, but responsive.
There were also major differences/surprises that contributed to me trying to talk, and him going "bye-byes".The more he withdrew, the more I got in his face and insisted on honesty.
Lots happened in between the above and the present moment. The bottom line is I have now invested the best of my youth in him and our 2 sons. In between running the household, being a practically single mother(he is a workaholic), I managed to get my Bachelors, then Master's Degree. But i pretty much revolved around him, his schedule, his needs, etc. I am by nature a Nurturer and MOTHER! I love to serve others in the context of a loving relationship.
About a week ago, the **** got REAL around here by me screaming everything I had been stuffing(for various reasons), and him just staring at me like I had lost it.
Since that, the air seems to have lightened and cleared, with me telling him no matter what happens to the marriage, it will never take away from all he has been and is to me. He is a man of integrity, humble, kind, giving, etc. He has been quite loyal to me, as well as tolerated my not so EZ temperment/patterns of coping, etc.
Have no idea where this path is heading, but I do know I am beginning to take all the pieces of myself I entrusted him with, back. Feels good and sooo free to know I no longer need to save the marriage, protect others if we divorce, etc.
I have wondered if the marriage has been so neglected/mistreated that it has reached the breaking point of no return. Significant trust issues/pain that I would need to continue to work on if there is a recommittment. I also believe that it is likely I love him, he is family, but no longer am in love with him. I have no sexual attraction to him at all anymore. I believe he resents the **** out of me although he is in denial to me and himself also.
That's enough right now...blah...blah...b lah
finding joyinthejourney, clg
clgsassy 56-60, F 22 Responses 14 May 24, 2012