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Finally Free....

I want to thank everyone here for your help and encouragement. I have finally done it. I am out. After the marriage counseling and 17 1/2 years of a sexless marriage I finally ended it about a month ago. It took over two months for him to finally move out once the decision was made. However, that is par for the course with him. Everything in our marriage was done on his schedule. The day after he moved his furniture out, I started gutting the master bedroom.

When I move back into that room after over a year and a half, it will be all new. From sub-floor to ceiling. We divided everything up and I kept the living room furniture and had him take all of the bedroom furniture. So I have bought a new bed and have designed a new room that will be peaceful and perfect for me.

I have decluttered and removed all of the crap from around the outside of the house as well as most of it from inside. It took 15+ contractor bags to clean up the mess he had outside alone. I was never allowed to clean up the outside because all of the stuff out there were things he might need. Including I guess the pop bottles and coffee cups that fell out of his mess of a truck every time he opened or closed the door.

He showed up at the house while I was working outside to bring something to one of the kids and was upset because he said no one would ever help him when he wanted to clean up the yard. I told him that he never wanted my help and had told me outside was his area and not to touch anything. I didn't have help either but I got it done even with my health issues. It was so representiitive of our whole marriage. No one could touch anything without his permission, which was never granted.

I sorted and boxed all of the items within the house for his move. I told him that he would have to sort the garage and camping stuff, I told him the only thing that I ask is that he be as fair as I had been. (The first week in his new house the only thing he had to buy was groceries.) He went through part of it and was upset because I wouldn't help. However, up to this point there had been no arguing over who got what and I didn't want it to start now. He texted me a few days later and asked for a few things he didn't take. He said that going through all of that stuff was hard because it drove home that things are really over.

He left a few things behind, saying if he needed them he would come borrow them. However in about 2 weeks the deed to the house will be in just my name and I will be dropping a few more things off on his lawn if necessary. I do not want him coming back into the house to borrow things. I do not want the tools that I have been buying mixed in with what he thinks he has the right to borrow.

What has amazed me more than anything is that so far I don't miss him. I had been lonely for so long with him there, that now all I feel is relief. I am not coming home to his mess around his chair or all of the extra laundry. Or the clutter and mess that he accumulates. (I have heard that it took less than a month for every flat surface in the new house to be cluttered and full of crap.) I don't have to share the living room every night with a person who is just there, yet not there in any way for me.

For the first time in longer than I can remember I am looking forward to tomorrow. To having the bedroom done. Every project he ever did around our fixer upper home has one or two little things that are not completed. I have another trip to the dump to make and the outside of my house will once again look peaceful. Without him there, it will also stay that way. It's really nice to know that soon, my whole house will have the peaceful feel that my heart finally does. I hope to not be alone forever, that one day I will meet someone.

Right now, today, I am only concerned about meeting me. The person that I can be. I am looking forward to tomorrow and the plans that I am making for my life. I am enjoying the peace. I actually feel less lonely now that he is gone and I thank a lot of you for helping me find that peace.
mrsnottonight mrsnottonight 36-40, F 14 Responses May 27, 2012

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You are an inspiration to many others....congratulations....best of wishes...and I have to say, I'm a little jealous...never having to clean up his messes again??? wow....such a fantasy!!!!

That's a great story. I hope I can be as strong as you.

When I read these kinds of stories a little part of me feels free. Sharing your story is giving others hope! Keep giving us the Good News!

Awesome story! Thank you for sharing it. I hope that you'll stick around for a bit and help others who are seeking to achieve what you have. Viva la SLF!!

well done and good luck in the future

bravo~

Tommy wouldent go to counciling either, however I never spiked his food.

Great story!

So, you are NOT straining at the leash to go back to your dysfunctional marriage ??<br />
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Funny about that. No one who gets out from a dysfunctional marriage ever appears back on these pages wishing they were back in the shithole.<br />
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Your new world awaits you "mrsnotonight" (hey ! change that name !!!!)<br />
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Tread your own path.

Ex-mrsnottonight?? I like that.

Nah, go crazy. Something like "spermextracter" or "rodprovoker"

That sounds good in theory, however I will have to recover way more self-esteem than I have to get quite that bold. Maybe one of my new goals?

Reckon you'll find your self esteem will recover at an accelerated level now you are clear of the toxic environment
Ms "rootable" !!!!!

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Congratulations on the way you have dealt with all this. I encourage you to seek some personal counselling to assist you in finding that person you can be. You have made a GREAT start, but as flyingstone says, you may yet experience some depression once the euphoria subsides.<br />
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Cleaing out your house and yard is a brilliant way to go. It not only allows you to reshape your environment according to your preferences, it is wonderful for your mental state as well. Decluttering is about so much more than just the physical surroundings. . . . . <br />
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I also approve wholeheartedly of you packing up any of the things of his that remain and returning them. Don' tallow him the excuse to reclaim them to be a reason for unheralded visits. Tell him that from now on he must phone in advance if he wishes to visit and ascertain if it is suitable for you. All unannounced visits will result in him being refused admission. Sounds harsh, but letting him visit unannounced is the thin edge of the wedge. One day you will come home and find him watching your TV in your house . . . !!!<br />
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Have you considered changing the locks, in case he still has keys to the house?

Believe it or not he did give me the key back when I asked for it. Two days later my lock broke and had to be replaced. So, I know that he does not have a key. I suspect that he still has a garage door opener and will be changing the code to that as well. lol

Hi..Your story is truely encouraging. One question though..What was your expectation when you first started counselling and was it worth going to marriage counselling?

He suggested the counciling. I was pretty much already deceided, which he knew going in. I think that by doing this he was hoping to stall me to where I got over my snit as I normally did over the years. When he did nothing to change any of the things that we identified as issues it became apparent that he was just buying time to get his stuff in order before leaving. It was helpful to me to have someone affirm that my goals were not unrealistic and cruel. To have an uninterested 3rd party look at him and basically say, "What is wrong with you?" It actually made it easier for me to see that I had exhausted all options and things would never change for more than the 2-3 weeks that it had at other times.

Hi... thank you for the reply. My Wife wants to go to counselling after a lons spell of lies and being caught out a few times. I think this is also a way of stalling as i asked her to arrange the sessions and to date nothing has happened. I believe it will help even if it is just to confirm that nothing else will change and that we have tried all routes.

Do not be surprised if sometime you experience some post traumatic stress syndrome. Just know this...it will pass. Life will be more pleasant and you can go on planning your life. There will be times of loneliness but as I was told by someone who has gone through divorce that once your new schedule is in line that you will not feel this. I do not have to live with someone that says he loves me but will not touch me in any way. The insanity is gone, at least in that part of my life. Also, what is gone is the over controlling issues. I left my husband in the house because he has been letting it go for years. LOL, no more frustration about the lack of care the house will be given. My marriage has been over about a month now. I do not think I could ever go back to that again. Good luck to you, I think you will find that life is much better.

Congratulations! You sound very strong and very healthy. :)

thank you for being such an inspiration. I hope to follow in your shoes... best wishes for your new life!